I'm not sure what to do
So a few weeks ago a mutual friend of Ben and I got into some trouble. She is several states away. We decided to help her the best we could, and we sent her a package with some things. Since we sent the package, he hasn't given me updates, I haven't got to talk to her, and he has become extremely secretive with his cell phone. He only becomes secretive when he is lying. I know he texts her everyday. If I ask about what he is talking to her about he gets defensive and won't answer my questions. Tonight, I went through his messages and I am upset by what I found. He stole one of my sex toys and sent it to her and has been getting dirty pictures from her. I'm not really upset by this, I am a little jealous, but what upsets me the most is that he is lying to my face. He did hint at wanting something with her, but I didn't really get it until now. Now, I think our friend(Shannon) is very attractive and I've known her for a while, our history together is not bad, but we were never besties. And thinking on it a little, I wouldn't mind if we brought her into our family, but as a triangle, where she has a relationship with both of us and not two separate relationships.
I know he is going to be mad at me for looking through his phone, but I want to tell him that I wan to talk about her and having her in the relationship. She would make our lives easier and she is a fairly cool person who has hit some really hard times. I'm okay with her moving out to us as she doesn't have anything holding her where she is. My biggest fear is the big green rage monster called jealously that I know is there.
I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want him mad, but I do want to talk to him.
Okay, slow down, breathe. First, you are going to want to talk to Ben. There's some issues that are a little more pressing. Try some Non Violent Communication to help it go smoothly, accusations will start everyone on the wrong foot. Let him know that you want him to be able to be honest with you and you are sorry if maybe you weren't as open to hearing him as you should have been. Let him know that you heard him talking about this mutual friend and his interest but perhaps you weren't really listening but that you are listening now. He might have felt that he tried to talk to you before and it didn't go anywhere and so needed to hide things. Not a good enough excuse of course, but it sounds like it could be a communication issue to nip in the bud.
Now, breathing? Calmer? Then re-read what you wrote about this friend. Does it sound like you are thinking of her as person with her own thoughts and feelings or a toy for the two of you? You are willing for her to have a relationship with Ben but ONLY if she has an equal one with you too. Why are you deciding for her what her relationships should look like? Or how she will make YOUR lives easier, or how she might as well move to you since she has nothing else? It's not meaning to I'm sure, but it comes across as incredibly insensitive. She is not a puppy! She is not a child you are looking to adopt and put rules and strictures on so she can grow up a certain way. She's a person. Before jumping the gun into telling her what kind of relationship she can and can not have, what kind of life, and how she is going to fit into YOUR family, deal first with Ben and then consider talking to them both together.
If that doesnt' help, try reversing things and see how you feel. Ben comes to you and says he's super interested in her and she's interested in him but ONLY if you play ball. So now two people are telling you to be with the man you are with you MUST have a relationship with a woman you may never have considered before. Oh and you must love them both equally, make sure neither gets jealous of the other or god forbid you! Also, he will be happiest if you play 'second wife' at some point and make sure you take the pressure off of them with their work. OH! And she just got an awesome high paying job so you are moving there. Would you really be feeling the love there and want to jump that opportunity?
That's messed up, hon. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. :(
Here's the summary --
Your current thoughts to this are...
This is healthy or self respecting behavior how? :(
Snooping is not cool. While it's good YOU have a conscience, and worry about his reaction to the snooping? Could treat it separately. You could apologize for snooping. Could make appropriate amends for that. Or not. Just don't think making appropriate amends for that is to allow MORE crazy to enter your life by having her join in as a roomie or as a dating partner!
You deserve honesty in relationships right? You could have better than this behavior/treatment, right? You could talk to him about broken trust, broken boundaries and breaking up with him. Sigh.
Both of you can feel whatever they feel -- but take care of business here. In light of his poor conduct, where's the cookies for you in this kind of relationship? What makes inviting messy person into your lives more appealing to you than leaving her and him behind? I know you care for his kids... but they are not yours. You've been with him since 17 and you are 21 ish? (from your previous posts) Maybe you want more from your young adult life than this? Is it that you are financially dependent on him and cannot easily leave? :(
Could remember you actually don't have to talk to him if you don't feel like it. You could walk away. You could choose to love him (if you still love him) from a safer distance where you are not in the line of fire of his bad behavior. "Loving" doesn't automatically equal "staying-ness" if things in the relationship are not healthy.
If anything, this is NOT a healthy start to polyshipping. If you want to polyship, doesn't that deserve the best start/foundations you can give it? Rather than starting out all wonky?
No Easy Solution.
So sorry that you have been subjected to this kind of dishonesty, sneaking and betrayal; there is a lot going on for you emotionally right now, and I am glad that you found these boards.
I want to both ask some questions, and give you some advice - the latter will most likely be less helpful than the former, but I think it's worth the risk of putting it forward to you.
My questions are:
1) Have you ever been in a 'triad' before?
2) Have you had your own girlfriend before?
3) Were you independently attracted to her before this happened?
4) Have you been dealing with deception from your partner in the past?
5) Why would you want this woman in YOUR life, not your collective life, but your life?
My advice is:
Do not move this woman in with you, and do not create a triad. Triads are the Olympics of polyamory, yet they're something that people new to poly seem to gravitate to. I had been poly in all other manners possible with everyone staying pretty happy and emotionally balanced, and then tried a triad; the first time was awesome, but the second one was TERRIBLE. It knocked me flat on my emotional ass over, and over again. The reason? My partner struggled with honesty, respect, boundaries and integrity in that triad. Until you sort out the issues with the deception, lying, sneaking and the culminating emotional/sexually based txting affair that he has been doing, starting a triad will most likely explode your life in your face. I don't want this for you, at all. It's grueling, intense and will create chaos in your emotional and physical world, and your relationship.
It's not that the idea of it isn't cool of you; to share your life, and attempt to make room for that connection to be lived in the light. You obviously have a huge heart, integrity, and a solid commitment to being a good partner. My advice lies around the fact that your partner does not seem to be exhibiting the same qualities, and that is already creating toxicity, upset and feelings of betrayal (for his wrongs) and shame (for your snooping).
If you ever want to private message me and talk, feel free.
My advice, and everyone else's advice comes from a place of wanting everyone to be happy. You'll find different perspectives, some of which are going to upset you and piss you off at times; examine all of it, and listen to your heart. Go for walks or runs, listen to music that you love, have hot baths, meditate or pray or just still your mind in the ways that you know how so that you can hear what YOU really want, free of anyone else's agenda, opinions or desires. This is YOUR life, and your reality, and you don't need to centre it around your partner's life/questionable values; you need to find the answer that is right for YOU. Pleasing people has its place, but the centre emotional relationship that exists in your life is not that place.
I'd be really pissed if my partner gave away one of my sex toys without my permission, and added insult to injury by watching sex videos of the other person using it.
And I'd be totally grossed out if someone GAVE ME another person's used sex-toy (even if it was sterilized in an autoclave first). Couldn't he have bought her one on Amazon and had it shipped to her if it was that important that he give her that kind of present?
It's just creepy. It's like if he took your used underwear and sold it on eBay, or something. No, it isn't EXACTLY the same thing, but it is the same creep-factor because it was done without your knowledge or consent.
If this woman deserved you lifting her out of her current hard times, she wouldn't be participating in this lying or at the very least, gone non communicative on you. Its your home too you know!
Makes me wonder if perhaps the hard times she is in are of her own making......
Red flags EVERYWHERE!!!
Does SHE know it was your toy? Does SHE know it was sent to her (used) without consent of it's owner (You?)
His involvement is pretty clear. He stole, lied, hid, fringed on cheating...thats one set of issues.
Her scope of involvement isn't crystal clear (obviously she's doing things to egg him on) But if I was in your situation and found that the two of them conspired knowingly to have all this fun with YOUR toy, that HE stole, and they had a big laugh together, I'd be out.
If it was all him, i might still be out, but at least id feel as though it was a bit less malicious.
Either way, this treatment isn't ok, and it damn sure isn't Ethical... best of luck
I agree with most of the others..
What he did was wrong, what he continues to do is wrong. You two have some issues to talk and work through. Adding another person (the person who is using your stolen toy) is NOT the answer to your problem. Don't add her to your house. It's a recipe for disaster...
Also, why does it say he's monogamous in your signature? What's up with that? How can he be monogamous if he's pursuing this other individual?
It is SO creepy BG - for once we seem to be completely in agreement. :D;)
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