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-   -   Stuff is coming out of the woodwork (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45578)

KerrBear 04-24-2013 11:56 PM

Stuff is coming out of the woodwork
 
Okay, so there is a new issue. Apparently, boyfriend has not been entirely honest with his LDR gf. He had told her about me and I was under the impression that she was open to him having a sexual, loving relationship with me. Apparently, this is not true. She does know about me but she is not okay at all with him being with other people.

So my bf is very, very upset cause I figured this out and called him on it. It is not fair at all to his LDR gf that he's doing this to her.

He wants marriage and kids, I can't give him those things. He wants her but he doesn't want to lose me, either. He's so torn and upset and I don't really know what to do anymore. I am willing to step away, even though it hurts like a mother fucker and I'm gonna be pretty depressed for awhile.

I know we can't be "just friends". We can't keep our hands to ourselves when we're with each other and the surge of happiness when we see each other is so intense. It would be better if I never saw him again.

So he's really, really depressed. She's sick to her stomach and upset even though she's getting what she wanted. And I'm just feeling numb cause I don't want to feel the pain and I'm gearing myself up to walking away cause I'm going to have to. . .

Guess there is no question, just posting it cause I gotta tell somebody... :(

GalaGirl 04-25-2013 12:32 AM

We are all free to choose. We are not free of the consequences of our choices.

Good for you holding to your ethics and choosing to leave him! He was/is a cheating liar to both you and his LDR GF. VERY Bad form. Ugh! :mad:

I am sorry both you and her now have to deal with healing from his shenanigans. You both deserve better treatment than lies. :(

Do what you have to do for your self care in this hard time. Hang in there.

Galagirl

elle 04-25-2013 02:30 PM

I called out BFF about two weeks ago now..

When confronted with the reality of the situation (something he was fine with just letting it happen without talk!) he practically ran screaming from the room. Couldn't fess up to his feelings, but I did. I'm proud of that.

I don't regret being painfully honest with my husband- helping him understand how much BFF meant to me and that we had to be on the same page (all 3 of us) to proceed any further.

When we talked to BFF he chose to run from the situation; same sorta thing, he wants to really 'be with' someone, so he went back to his toxic girlfriend.

Sweet.

Now I remember why I don't let myself fall in love.

But it's true; I was never going to be there 100% of the time and a lot of the relationship was going to be the 3 of us.

So I hear ya, sister. I don't regret doing the 'right' thing but it does force choices for everyone and that can be sad. :(

KerrBear 04-25-2013 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elle (Post 199655)
I called out BFF about two weeks ago now..

When confronted with the reality of the situation (something he was fine with just letting it happen without talk!) he practically ran screaming from the room. Couldn't fess up to his feelings, but I did. I'm proud of that.

I don't regret being painfully honest with my husband- helping him understand how much BFF meant to me and that we had to be on the same page (all 3 of us) to proceed any further.

When we talked to BFF he chose to run from the situation; same sorta thing, he wants to really 'be with' someone, so he went back to his toxic girlfriend.

Sweet.

Now I remember why I don't let myself fall in love.

But it's true; I was never going to be there 100% of the time and a lot of the relationship was going to be the 3 of us.

So I hear ya, sister. I don't regret doing the 'right' thing but it does force choices for everyone and that can be sad. :(

Yeah. I hate this. Wish I could turn your heart off forever.

I don't regret it either. I'm happy it happened now and not years from now. Although, I'm pretty sure this LDR isn't going to work out in the end. It's been four years of LDR with her and nothing has come of it but chatting, which is why he's seeking a gf around here. His other gf thinks he's just a cheater, which I suppose he certainly is being just that.

So, I'll leave them to their own demise.

NutBusterX 04-25-2013 06:29 PM

LOL... I cant wait to get my ass jumped for what i'm about to say....

Remember as you read this, that I can't think of anyone on this forum that i dont like and I'm not attacking people... I'm attacking recklessly tossed words...


It infuriates me to no end when i hear people say things to the effect of not wanting to have ever loved or to love again... to me, those thoughts are a bunch of short-sighted, careful what you wish for, hypocritical, spoiled, take everything for granted, unfeeling (by definition), useless load of bullshit...

Love hurts. Polyamory = many loves = many hurts... Mother Fucker!! the math is right there...
Hurt is going to happen. Balance. Yin and Yang.

who the fuck ever heard of someone on there deathbed saying "oh poor me, i wish i had loved less...."

Give me a fucking break...

that being said... I know it hurts. I'm even sorry it hurts... We heal, we learn. we love again... I wouldn't ever wish that away out loud. It's just too precious to be so irresponsible about.

Big feelings and the capacity for many are just that. Welcome to the world. ;)

BoringGuy 04-25-2013 06:40 PM

But we are all on our own journey of discovery, and sometimes that journey requires us to travel along unpleasant byways and dangerous detours before we reach our destination.

Maybe i believe that, maybe i don't. You decide. But it sure looks good on paper, doesn't it! How do i look in this new lyrical style? Does it make me look fat? How about short?

Vixtoria 04-25-2013 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 199722)
But we are all on our own journey of discovery, and sometimes that journey requires us to travel along unpleasant byways and dangerous detours before we reach our destination.

Maybe i believe that, maybe i don't. You decide. But it sure looks good on paper, doesn't it! How do i look in this new lyrical style? Does it make me look fat? How about short?


Ooooh, are we doing themes? I choose iambic pentameter next!



I do agree though, it's actually kind of juvenile, to me anyway, to say things like "I wish I never loved again!" Or "I wish I could close off my heart!" I say juvenile because that's where I see it. Teenagers, I still roll my eyes at my own kids for that kind of thing. DH has said that one of the things he doesn't like is seeing me hurt. He especially hates it when it's over someone he feels, 'doesn't deserve' me. Those not willing to put in even an ounce of work for a relationship. He can hate it, and he does, but he also knows that I'm just not the type to close my heart. Kind of goes along with the living poly thing.

Say you wish it didn't hurt, we all wish it didn't. For ourselves and for you, but the truth is, if you regret ever having the relationship, you probably shouldn't have been in it in the first place.

KerrBear 04-25-2013 08:52 PM

My heart, my emotions. If I'm hurt and hating it, those emotions are my own. If I wish I would have never had to deal with it, than that's also my own. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has got one. I am healing in my own way. Today is my really pissed the fuck off day. So yes, I'm hating what's happened, can't really blame me for that. I hate having to deal with it cause I hate myself for letting it happen to me. I hate that it ended but happy that it did all at the same time. Emotions are not juvenile, how you handle them marks your maturity. I did the right thing but I am venting and bitter at the moment. This too shall pass.

NutBusterX 04-25-2013 09:34 PM

In no way am I saying you shouldn't have or shouldn't have the right to emotions. I'm saying be careful about closing one side of them off (pain) because the very costly equal and opposite side (love) ends up getting squelched in the process.

AnnabelMore 04-25-2013 11:46 PM

Ugh, how totally crummy of him. I'm really sorry, KB. :( You're doing the right thing. If he'll cheat on her, he'll cheat on you.


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