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-   -   new to this and need help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45546)

sydpowers23 04-24-2013 02:54 PM

new to this and need help
i need advice....
i have been in a relationship with a man for about 5 months. for a lot of that time we struggled because he didn't want to commit to me and i didn't understand why until i realized it is because he has a poly nature at doesn't want to be monogomos. I know that he loves me very deeply as we have been best friends for 7 years. my brother is poly so i recognized the situation and confronted him about it. I am fine with him having other conections as long as ours is the strongest. how do i get past the fear that he will love someone more then me???

Marvin 04-25-2013 09:35 PM

Hi syd
If your relationship revolves around 'as long as our connection is the strongest' and 'will be love someone more than me' then you will spend the remainder of it doing nothing but worrying about what he's doing (and with whom) or looking over your shoulder for the prettier girl.
Either he loves you or he doesn't and likewise your connection is either solid or not. You simply cannot spend your time worrying about these things...talk to him and tell him your concerns. Set boundaries and each of you follow them- if you cannot clear this hurdle then a poly relationship will drive you nuts! Have some faith in your partner and your relationship with him. I will bring you peace


sydpowers23 04-25-2013 09:51 PM

Thank you that is very true. I think this comes from the fact that he has another relationship with another woman who I have since learning become friends with. I like her enough that I could even see us both having a relationship with her. I am comfortable with the situation I just fear that allowing us to pursue our individual nature to have multiple relationships opens the doors a lot wider for him to find someone who is better then me and if she wants exclusivity what if he would be willing to leave me for her. Even as I write that though I can see where all that is really going on is my own insecurity about not being good enough to keep a man wanting to be with me in any form of relationship.

Marvin 04-25-2013 10:00 PM

Don't let your insecurity run your life.
If it turns out that he finds someone else that he wants more than you in the future, would you want to be with him anyway ?
Do what YOU want to do and let him do the same. You and he have a pretty solid background it sounds like so build on that and see how the chips fall.
Just because a door is open doesn't mean someone has to walk through it- no matter how wide it's open


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