Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Anyone who can empathize? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45504)

passion8one 04-24-2013 04:11 AM

Anyone who can empathize?
Ok, a little background first: My partner, B, and I have been together for going on 3 years, this July. We have been "open" for the majority our relationship, and in October of last year the door to poly opened and we both ran in head first and ended up reaping the consequences of little communication and an unwillingness to compromise. We ended up breaking up in November, on Thanksgiving to be exact. Since then, we have realized how much we don't want to live without each other. So, we are currently rebuilding our relationship and redefining us. In the meantime of us being broken up, she started seeing someone new, M. They were able to have 4 months of, pretty much, uninterrupted connection during my absence. (I hope this is all making sense.) And me and M have started building a connection recently, as well.

So, long story short, we are now in a triad.

However, I recently started nursing school in January. School is very demanding of my time and attention, and because I don't have much free time, they have kind of carried on the same way it was when i wasn't around. They still see each other just as much as they always have, and I kind of feel like I am being squeezed into whatever time is left over. I know that my lack of free time is no one's fault and I don't blame them for me not having any free time. I just can't get over this feeling of "I feel alone." It's hard trying to rebuild my relationship with B, and build a new connection with M and have time for me and study and keep up my grades.

I just feel alone because I'm starting to feel like, "You don't know how alone I feel over here, and it's not fair that I am the only one feeling this way!"

Don't get me wrong, we all make sure I talk to each of them on a daily basis and I see them on weekends when I can. And B usually makes time for her and I to have alone time during the week even if its just a couple of hours. So they are making an effort, I just can't get past this feeling of being alone. And I don't want to start to grow resentful towards them.

Is there anyone out there who can help? Who knows what I am going through?

nancyfore 04-24-2013 06:16 AM

Are you talking to them and telling them what you are feeling? Not just daily talking but meaningful sit down and tell them each how you are feeling type of talking?

Maybe since your time is limited your priority should be the relationship building of you and B. Once you are secure in that, an attempt at getting closer to M would be in order. Might be that your overwhelmed and a friendship with M would be better than the stress of relationship building...

passion8one 04-24-2013 06:37 AM

Yes, I have talked to both of them and they know how I feel.

Which is kind of why I joined this message board: They hear how I feel, but they don't really "know" how I feel. Because they have never really had to deal with being the "odd man out" because of a demanding school or work schedule.

And I guess i'm just looking for someone who can empathize with me and just tell me that I am not alone. I just need to hear that I am not the only one going through this.

I feel like I don't want to bombard them with these "i'm all alone" feelings every single week, and right now I feel like thats what I am doing. They don't say it because they are pretty great like that but I wanted to find another outlet...

cinnamonswing 04-24-2013 07:21 AM

i was thinking about this sentence:

I just feel alone because I'm starting to feel like, "You don't know how alone I feel over here, and it's not fair that I am the only one feeling this way!"

you probably wouldn't want them to feel alone as well but i can understand the feeling, "why should they be able to see each other a lot and i am alone". if b was hanging out a lot with a close friend and not another partner, would that be different? would it change anything in your needs or how you would ask to have those needs met? i find for myself that it can be helpful sometimes to look at it that way.

choctaw103 04-24-2013 11:27 AM

I look at that sentence in another context. It seems more that OP is just isolated due to work schedule and other conflicts that make down time a rarity. The only thing I can think of is either a discussion with them and possibly asking for some concessions to your time constraints, or and I know it may not sound desirable, maybe someone who is more in your time pattern?

GalaGirl 04-24-2013 12:37 PM

You aren't alone. Other people have had to deal with work/school things keeping them apart for a time. It is what it is, and once the work/school is completed they return to where they can be with their loved ones. Think of deployed military for instance.

You will get through this. Nursing school is not forever. Daily calls with both and weekly visits from B -- they are trying to do what they can.

Are you sure it is not "I feel lonely at nursing school" and it could be ameliorated by making some nursing school friends? Other nursing students would TOTALLY get the load you are under right now with school.

Or could it be "I feel jealous" of some flavor? Or more like ENVY? You don't want to take anything away from them, but wish that you had what they had -- the time to spend with each other.

Hang in there.

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:49 PM.