ThatLChap and Lilla's poly adventure
So I decided to kickstart the blog following my weekend away, whilst a few things are fresh in the mind. Some of you will know of our story from the intro board, but I will give a brief overview here.
I am 23, female, bi, and about 6 months ago started to identify myself as poly inclined. At the time myself and thatlchap who I will just call L, had been together 3 years. We were also going through issues within our own relationship so nothing happened and in the poly sense, things got brushed under the carpet.
Then about 3-4 months ago, I started to get closer to my friend TG. It was completely unplanned to want to fall into a senario like this, but I hadn't felt connection to another person like this in a long time and felt I needed the chance to persue it. So I talked to L about it, mostly terrified he'd hate me. There was talking, talking, and more talking. Somehow a few months down the line this talking has resulted in L having a good male friend, and me having a wonderful second partner who I know cant imagine life without.
Not that we aren't a vee without issues of course. Due to scheduling difficulties, I've barely been able to see L the past 3 weeks, and whilst I've seen TG a lot up to now, we are about to be apart 2 weeks. I know this doesn't seem long, and I'm no stranger to ldr. But during the weekend me and TG reached a new point in our relationship dynamic and it sucks to not be able to enjoy it. Particularly as we reached it through a negative experience.
Basically, I have a medical condition, and one symptom bothers me to the point I cannot talk about it. I mean physically cannot. Its my thing, and its private. The symptom occurred over the weekend, and whilst I hid it, TG noticed the heightened personal space boundary and wanted to know what was up. He later said he knew he should have left it, but couldnt because of his own fears from past relationships. So I feel backed into a corner and somehow the issue is articulated. Simultaneously making me defensive and want to run because I feared he would, and TG feel pushed away, playing into his fear of being abandoned when he gets too close to someone.
Overall not fun. But we stuck it out. Talked it out calmly to a full resolution, then watched a strange 90s musical about singing cockroaches. We both feel more secure in each other's commitment to our relationship and its solidness now the nre is starting to die down. But I feel sad because I want to just enjoy the positives, hang out with both him and L and cook/play games etc... like we did earlier on in the relationship. Which I know all 3 of us want, but won't really get a chance till june, when L moves in with me.
Sorry if this is written a little weird, my phone can be a bit annoying. I'm sure I've left stuff off but that's probably the beauty of an ongoing journal. L will no doubt be adding to this soon, though blogs arent TG's thing. However he does know we use this, has full access to all posts, and is happy to answer any questions the board may have through me or L.
Hi folks, I'm that titular L chap. I've already introduced myself and a slightly more detailed history of our relationship so far, and a few of my own thoughts, which you can read here.
Anyway, not entirely sure what I'm going to talk about, so this may be a bit of a ramble. I'll start off with what's been bothering me the most, and something Lilla mentioned; barely being able to see each other the past few weeks. It mostly just comes down to bad luck and different schedules. I think the last proper weekend I had with Lilla was March 23rd, as we've had a whole bunch of stuff, both bad and good, happen since then, though for the sake of avoiding a wall of text, I'll try and keep things short.
The first Saturday in April was Lilla and TG's two months, so I was happy to give them that day and night to themselves, and I went round the next day and hung out, which was a good night, with all of us feeling relaxed and friendly, and it ended with all of us looking forward to the next weekend, where we were all going to a dance event together. Unfortunately, I threw my neck out just before that weekend, so I had to skip and stay at home, since I physically couldn't travel. That tore me up inside, as it was something I'd been looking forward to for months, and it would've been the last time all 3 of us could spend time together for a couple of months. It also stressed Lilla out, because as well as having TG there, she was hosting other people who aren't aware of them being a couple, and she was afraid of being noticed by others.
So I was feeling low about not being able to be there, and she was stressed about having to hide the relationship, which made me want to be there for her all the more. I managed to make it over on the following Tuesday, after TG had gone, and spent two nights with her, though we didn't really get to spend much quality time together, as my neck was still being a problem, and her and TG (who came over on the Wednesday night) had to pack for their weekend away, which Lilla has already written about. They left on the Thursday morning, and I stayed at hers for a couple of days, both to look after our cats and because I wanted to have some company, in the form of her housemates.
To be honest, being in the house without her just made me feel lonely, and I just felt depressed for the rest of the weekend. And when I miss someone that much, I tend to be a bit clingier than I should be, which meant I was sending Lilla a lot of messages, and making myself feel worse because I knew she couldn't reply to all of them. Plus the fact that I was wanting more attention than she could give was making her stressed as well, on top of what Lilla's already written about.
Thankfully, we've got this entire weekend to ourselves, so we can have some much needed time alone. I'm not feeling as lonely now, as I think I was just in a bit of an emotionally fragile state, what with my neck injury and a couple of other things that have happened in the last month. We're also getting the next weekend together as well, because we're both going abroad for another dance camp, which we're both excited for.
Speaking of excited, Lilla and I have agreed on an official date when I can move in, which is currently the first weekend in June, as she's mentioned. So yeah, that's going to bring an entirely new dynamic into the relationship, though it hopefully won't cause any problems with TG. I can't really see it doing so, so we should be fine.
I think that's about it for now, unless I think of something later today that either me or Lilla forgot about.
Today's been pretty good. Spoke to L and TG both via txt a lot today, and got a chance to ring them both before bed. Teaching tomorrow then travelling to see L, got a load of things I need to do, but the current pain in my leg is telling me to do it in the morning.
Also had a really productive convo with my housemate. She knows bits already, but doesn't fully understand the world and its terms. So taught her about compersion, triads and vees, as well as the different dating/openness restrictions different relationships have.
Another thing we discussed was the idea of poly as a lifestyle. TG is mono, he chooses to be with me despite this, and is easily capable of accepting L and feeling compersion. In addition to being close to L as platonic friends. It is a lifestyle choice but he has done it because of the feelings he has for me.
L also chose to do this, but he is contemplating poly as an identity and currently figuring out if he could take a second partner. Personally, I dont feel I had a choice I was happy being monogamous with L, but occasionally I would feel twinges of emotion for someone else, and feel the worst person in the world. Until I understood what polamory was. Even then, I am picky. It takes a lot for me to take the risk to date someone, but when I feel that strong connection, I fall for them hard and longterm.
With TG it was strong enough for me to need to negotiate with L about creating the vee. Something that so far has been positive to all 3 of us. And the friends and family (only TGs know) we've told have all been positive.
However, this is where my fear kicks in. I identify as bisexual, though pansexual is possibly more accurate. But ive never officially come out as such. Friends know, I dont hide it. I just am. Ive also never come out to my family. I dont have the need and I know my mum could never understand me being bi.
With poly, potentially within the dance community and to my family, one day I might have to come out. Since all 3 of us have discussed this and want to work as our own family long term, I will use my current partners as an example. If I am going to love two men for the rest of my life, how could I choose just one to marry, just one to have kids with. Eventhough it goes against every typical idea of marriage, white picket fence and one father to kids, and an ideal I used to hold for myself. I'm no longer so sure if I could do it.
I would rather have some kind of commitment ceremony where neither would be cut out, and have children with both. But only if I, L and TG felt we could handle it and as a vee, provide a strong, positive, non broken upbringing to children. Obviously if L decided he was poly and had another gf at this point, this could confuse matters further, but ignoring that for now.
Anyway, whilst I knew it in my heart, it was only speaking with my housemate tonight I admitted out loud my mum would disown me for being poly. Im pretty sure she would if I was mono and had a child outside wedlock. Its just the way she is. But it makes me stressed knowing this, eventhough I know a lot of these issues are theoretical and/or years away.
Anyway, im possibly failing to make sense again due to tired and typing on phone. So gonna go to bed.
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