OSO struggling with closet(or the potential lack of it).
Also, feels. Lots of 'em
I've been away from this foruns - and anything poly - for a while. I missed it here, I missed reading the advices and sharing, reading about everyone's experiences and finding people who understood me. But I was in a very bad place for the last months.
As my signature says, I have a pretty stable relationship with Peaches and got involved with my best friend CC somewhat recently.
This place helped me understand and come to terms with poly. Thanks to you guys, I'm totally ok with myself now. But CC isn't so lucky. Unfortunatly he doesn't speak English well enough to share his concerns and seek for guidance here. Reading material is rare in our first language. So I'm posting for him, trying to translate what he feels, trying to understand how to help him with this the best I can and maybe also venting a little. So here's our present situation:
Me and CC had a break up in Jannuary. He said he wasn't feeling ok with the relationship, that it was hard to do this, but something was wrong and upsetting for him about it and he felt he had to step out.
I took it... not so well. I mean, I respected his decision and agreed to stay friends. After all, a lot of time reading the threads here thaught me that poly isn't always right for everyone. But I got hurt BAD. I love him, I really do, and all he did led me to believe he loved me back. I was devastating and continued to be.
Recently, though, on an online talk, CC let slip how much he misses being with me. He said he was so happy then and everything seemed dull without me now. And apologized right away, stating that he knew how he "messed up" our relationship and how bad he had hurt me.
We talked a lot about it after this. Right on the spot I told him he didn't mess things up, and that it was his right to choose not to be in a relationship configuration that hurt him and I understood it. And talking about it, he came to the conclusion that the thing bothering him was his fear of the reaction of our social circles (poly is very stigmatized where we live) and that he was having a hard time dealing with his feelings and the feelings I have for him, since he does love me and he has no problem with Peaches being around (and sees him as someone who he could be great friends with).
I DO understand him and can relate. I was TERRIFIED about "the moment when everyone finds out" when I started acting on my poly tendencies. I'm nowhere NEAR the closet today, but it was achieved with lot's of struggling.
He is young he has little relationship experiences (and mostly bad ones). He has bipolar disorder and people are always judding and bashing him. His familly is not suportative of him at all, and also very "normative", christian and conservative. This is all very different to him, and I understand how it can be scary. I undestand how he doen't want people going around saying he's some kind of villian for "being between me and Peaches". But people do that. I know they do, me and Peaches had our fill of that.
After a few weeks cooking up on our talk, he told me he's willing to try. That he feels more confident about it and would face all his fears if I would take him back. We set up a date, mostly to be with each other - we miss each other so bad right now - and that's this saturday.
My dillemas here, though, are:
.I want to help him deal with his fear the best I can, but I don't want to be secretive forever. I don't think he wants this, too. So, how can I help him deal with shamming and people being nosy in general?
.I'm so very scared. I'm scared he will relapse and leave again. I'm scared he will forever see this as something that MUST stay secret. I'm scared that I'm just easy sex for him (Even though just writing it seems absurd. He could have any other girl who doesn't have a boyfriend and who he woulnd't be hurting by having a sex-only relationship. He values my friendship too much to do something like that. He loves me and thinks I'm special. He wants to be with me. He told me all those things and I DO believe him. I guess I'm just scared that I believed it and it could be a lie. It's totally neurotic, I know. I'm a proud little thing, though, and when I fall in love I FALL in love. Bad combination right there, I guess.)
.I'm confused about how to bring the "theory" of poly to the table with CC. All the talk about bondaries, what he needs from this relationship, let him know he can talk openly to me about jealousy and fears and that we'll sort it out as we can, and how I'll be forever his best friend even if this goes wrong and he decides he can't deal with it. Especially because right now we're so exited to have a date together and because I feel like I need so much to be with him right now that I don't want to "spoil the mood" for saturday.
And please do excuse my poor English. I did try.
I am Jim. I do feel for both of you. I think you expressed a whole bunch of support and love in this post. If nothing else, i think exactly what you wrote is a really good place to start. :) Best of luck and I look forward to reading updates and helping when and if I am able.
Thanks a lot for the support, Jim.
I'm trying to work on some kind of script to somewhat follow in a future (near future, I hope) conversation with CC about poly and our bondaries and all that. It's been chalenging. I know we have to talk about it, but I'm still very afraid of discussing relationship with him due to past events (him freaking out about poly twice already, the first time because we entered this relationship in a FWB configuration and both ended up with stronger feelings for each other and this last time because he's terrified about comming out).
I guess I'm afraid he'll just freak out again if things sound too serious, or if I sound "too in love". I've noticed I even avoid mentioning Peaches around him, even though I know he's aware of my relationship with Peaches and agreed to be with me in this conditions.
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