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-   -   new to poly an having difficulty (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45435)

dee2368 04-23-2013 05:07 PM

new to poly an having difficulty
 
Hi ALL
I met a gorgeous man 5 months ago he wanted to explore polyamorey and the ideal is very appealing...to give freedom to explore...of course there is different versions and extreme depending on the people involved and what they need/want...but I am open to it and have been exploring this ideal...I have loved many people at the same time on different levels and will continue to do so...but I do question whether having a poly relationship allows us to avoid dealing with what we need to learn with each other and can be an avoidance of working through painfull arisings/hurt by bringing in fresh new energy?...it is complex and difficult I know..can be enuf to be in one relationship and address lovingly our hurts and vulnerabillites..... I am exploring...but on a personal level when my partner connects with another and as I judge not in a heart connection way how do I deal with this?...seems to me from my perspective that it is a forum for pursueing pleasure without addressing anything...I am concerned for the pursance constantly for new lovers/interations which distracts us from our relationship...my need and desire is to connect with many...but also to be present to the person I am with and for them to be present to me as there is only the moment after all and love is not a bond...but when it becomes a drive for the other it undermines me and our relationship...I feel like an object of the others desire and pursuance and no heart connection and consideration of my feelings...if I dont feel open and happy for others to come in I am therefore not into poly...it is used against me...recently my partner had a sharing with another...lovely and free but without a real connection...and now I get angry words and closed cold interaction because I am not of compersion...I dont feel loved and if i HAVE TO CLOSE DOWN AN ASPECT OF MYSELF TO DEAL WITH THIS WHAT Is poly?...unloving and purely about the sex?it is HOW we deal with the risings that make it work as in any relationship...I am justfloundering yet have comapssion for the person involved as to their pain and what has triggered this close down to me...any advice/experience welcome

BoringGuy 04-23-2013 09:22 PM

"poly" is not your problem. It's your choice of partners. This guy is tl;dr "i'm poly and you can ride my see-saw or get off, kthxbai."

Poly is unloving and purely about sex? Because some playa told you he's poly, treats you unlovingly, and just uses you for sex?

I can't wrap my mind around what causes people to stay in relationships like this... I responded to another thread with the same thing - the sex must be freaking amazing, because why else would you stay if nothing else about the relationship feels good. Also that would explain why you seem to have convinced yourself that "poly is all about sex".

You do realize that just because a person can adapt to nonmonogamy doesn't make them a better person automatically? Do you? I see this motif over and over "i met a wonderful/awesome/fabulous/gorgeous man, and he told me he's poly. He treats me like crap though. What's so great about this "poly" stuff if it means everyone is miserable and treats each other like crap?".

Seriously.

Vixtoria 04-24-2013 12:40 AM

I'm going to try and answer what I think are the questions you are laying out. Poly is different for a lot of people. However, I don't think you should put a label on poly people just because of the particular person you have run into. I have seen this before.

"I'm dating A and they are poly but a douchebag so poly people are douchebags!"

Um no. It's like a Venn diagram. There are douchebags and there are poly people. There is over lap. However, being a douchebag does not make you poly and being poly does not make you a douchebag. In other words, a person's douchebaggery transcends their relationship status, sexuality, sex, race, religion and all that. It stands on it's own!

For some people, they may 'do poly' in a way that has more relationships with less connection. It doesn't mean there is NO connection, just that they aren't looking for something so all encompassing emotionally. For others, they like fewer relationships that are more emotionally connected. Neither is right or wrong. Some people go looking for relationships, some let them find them.

As for using poly to hide? Well, just don't see that working long term. I am pretty comfortable in saying if you read enough on these forums you will find most people here realize that it's harder to hide your issues or not deal with them. In one relationship, you can kind of do that, not healthy but it's often doable. The more relationships there are, the harder it is to hide your issues. I know many of us have to deal with the yucky emotions. Not just, "I'm jealous it sucks you stop!" But a whole internal monologue of why am I jealous? What about it makes me feel this way? What is my trigger, now how do I deal with it? What am I not understanding or getting mentally but not yet in my heart?

Rarely will you see someone come here upset about something and see the advice, "Well tell them to stop then!" More likely than not you will get questioned on how and why you feel a certain way and how to communicate it to work it out.


TL;;DR Sorry if your honey is being douchey, but it's not the poly, it's the person.

JaneQSmythe 04-24-2013 01:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vixtoria (Post 199258)
There are douchebags and there are poly people. There is over lap. However, being a douchebag does not make you poly and being poly does not make you a douchebag. In other words, a person's douchebaggery transcends their relationship status, sexuality, sex, race, religion and all that. It stands on it's own!

Well said! (I had to add it to my quotes on my profile.)

OP - this guy may be saying/showing you that this is how HE does poly - but that doesn't really define it for anyone else. Some people may want less emotionally intimate relationships with their partners (which isn't necessarily NO relationship but less deep/involved relationships) - but it doesn't sound like that is what YOU want.

If he is willing to let his other relationships detract from relationship building with you, then it may be that he is simply not interesting in developing a deeper relationship with you regardless of his other relationship. YOUR desire seems to be to connect with more that one person, but on a deeper/more intimate level.

Fundamentally this seems to be a "relationship problem" not necessarily a "poly problem" - if he were mono and letting his work/hobbies/friends interfere with his ability to pay attention to your needs in this relationship would you be putting up with that? How would you handle that situation?

JaneQ

GalaGirl 04-24-2013 01:32 AM

Sounds like you are not eye-to-eye on the relationship model. He wants to be with you with a side of "open" or "swing". Like a 1A in this article. You want something else, and don't care for his casual encounters.

There's also the OTHER problem of his conflict resolution style. He attacks the person (you, you must not be cut out for poly, you are deficient somehow, uses things against you) rather than attacking the problem (not agreeing on relationship model, the need to get on the same page, etc)

That's not kind -- making it be a personal attack on you.

At 5 months in, it is not a HUGE relationship investment for you. Painful as it may be -- perhaps spend some time thinking if the return is worth your investment here? And if you could be better off ending it with him? Because you are not compatible and do not see eye to eye on HOW to be Open and in what framework? Then you are free to polyship with a more compatible dating partner?

Galagirl

NutBusterX 04-24-2013 06:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vixtoria (Post 199258)
... a person's douchebaggery transcends their relationship status, sexuality, sex, race, religion and all that. It stands on it's own!.....
TL;;DR Sorry if your honey is being douchey, but it's not the poly, it's the person.


Couldn't agree more. Very nicely stated :)

BoringGuy 04-24-2013 08:40 AM

The whole "i had a bad experience with a poly person, therefore poly is not for me" is just like when a woman has a bad experience with men and decides to "become" a lesbian. (yes i know most of the time that is just talk but i know real live women with names and numbers who have "done" this and i move that these individuals were already bisexual or pan or whaever). As they said in Liquid Sky, "...fuck women instead, and men won't walk all over you anymore. Women will." same thing here. So don't "be poly". "be" monogamous instead. That way, you won't get treated poorly by poly people. You'll get treated poorly by monogamous people instead.

#victimblaming


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