Curious about polyamory
Greetings! Where to start? I am,currently, mono but am curious about being poly as a lifestyle choice. I have been reading some of the forum post and I feel a range of emotions about polyamory. I have always thought about having an open relationship or open marriage but I think I initially wanted that out of fear of being betrayed or lied to not because my SO wanted to be with someone else sexually of emotionally. I guess one of my biggest fears right now is that something will get lost, whether I am poly or mono. I feel afraid of loving someone less or being loved less. I am currently in a mono relationship and I have mentioned that I wouldn't mind an open relationship but he gets so mad at the thought. I think deep down he agrees that monogamy sometimes is impossible but he says that being poly is not ideal to him, and thats not what he sees a relationship should be. Right now I am content with monogamy; I only think about and have feelings for him, but I know that life changes, we change, need more,need less. I also think my bf thinks this way because he feels that will threaten him as a man. For instance, we are in a long distance relationship, and try to see each other every three months. We weren't together(officially) for the first 6 months of our relationship.while we were apart, I,of course, asked him if he was interested in anybody else, he said no there is no one else. I finally came to see him in Australia, but found out much later that he had been "seeing" someone else. I was so hurt that he would lie about that, not because he was seeing someone else. We worked through it. I went back home. I sent him an email saying that I would be fine if he saw other people while we were apart, and he got so mad at me saying that is not what he wants. When I came to finally see him again I found out that he had been on a date with the woman I found out about in Australia, and I again was hurt. I cannot understand how he could be so opposed to seeing other people but see other people and not tell me about it. It just makes me think that he doesn't want me to see other people. So my point in saying all of this is that I am open to polyamory because it means having an honest open relationship that is able to meet most of our needs, and that is what is important to me in the end. Can anyone offer any advice about what is could be going on for my boyfriend when I say I am okay with it? Thanks
It seems that he is falling into the whole notion that its okay and normal to lie and cheat rather than be open about what we do. It seems that to a lot of people it is better to have the facade of monogamy because that is respected, even if there is cheating going on. Cheating has become normal and even expected in todays society it seems. In some ways it is indicative of the numbness to feelings that our culture now has... numb until we are blindsided by them in the case of being the one cheated on. The one cheating is sort of treated like "meh, whatever, thats just what happens" and carries on believing they have done no wrong.
It might be possible to smack him up side the head with what it feels like if you create a scenario for him about what he would feel like. If I were you I would create for him a scenario that you might be interested in someone and intend to ask them on a date, even sleep with them at some point. Ask him how that would make him feel. Then ask him how he would feel if you didn't bother to tell him. Chances are it will evoke some kind of empathy from him.
He might say that he would rather not know about your pursuits; don't ask don't tell (DADT) kind of thing. If he is okay with that in you then fine, but you are not okay with that in him and those boundaries need to be discussed and an agreement reached. Request how you would like it to go next time and ask him how he would feel about changing his routine to consider your needs in the whole thing. How would he feel telling you about his interests and how much does he want to say? How much do you want to hear? All negotiable and valid questions I think.
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