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-   -   long distance and poly?? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4521)

kala83 12-24-2010 12:05 AM

long distance and poly??
so I find myself in quite a callenging spot in my life, I have meet an amazing boy and an amazing girl that I have know for almost a month now that I've been dating.
the main issue is that I am moving away to st.louis here in only a few months due to school and will be gone for 18 months I feel incredibly guilty over this cause I had to real intension of seeking out a relationship which I know sounds very, very cheezy cause no really goes and does that with any relationships.
but I have been in a fair share of long distance relationships before and its very hard on relationships to have distance between you.
and I have just been emtionally kind of beating my up for putting this lovely relationship into a stressed situation.

with all that being said me the boy and the girl have talked multiple times about me finding ways to come back up and visit them on weekends (not all of course but a few if I can manage) and the boy has family in the st.louis area and he is more then happy to try and look at the idea of coming up and spending nights over at the place with me.

some how in the pit of my stomach through all this stress i do think there is a way I can get through all of this and make it work......I just like said know form my past experince thats its not an easy road to take.

but I have a good amount of friends in the st.louis area that I am sure can be more then helpful with being there for me as emtional support. I do worry a little bit that I might meet someone while in st.louis doing school and begin dating them.
I know for certain if I do date anyone I want to be up front with them from the start that I am in a poly relationship.....and I don't plan on ditching my bf or gf any time soon. And in even with all that I do think I could be able to work at if it came up.
my gf and bf both know I am open to the idea of dating...and maybe trying to find a second bf.....if the fates allowed.

the most important thing I need to bare in mind is communication....I need to make sure I have that with them and with anyone else.....and the power of positive thinking is also most helpful tool also lol so yes as lame as it sounds I am just tying to think positively mostly I just wanted to rant...cause even though I am close with my family and some of them do know about me having a gf and bf its not something that the family really enjoys bringing up around me and I kind of just gave up on the idea of discussing personal life stuff with family to avoid complications in general for a while now.

so here is really the only place I have to truly vent and connect with others.

redpepper 12-26-2010 01:30 AM

did you want responses to your post? I am unclear... as you have question marks after your thread title. If you want me to move this elsewhere so you might get responses I can do that for you... otherwise, it's find where it is.

kala83 12-27-2010 04:36 AM

I don't think I wanted an question answered more I just wanted to get some positive feedback to help with my mood on this since I am un sure how to feel....lol so yeah maybe it should be somewhere else.

sorry about that i am still new to the forums and I am not sure where all everything goes. Really I just wanted to share my experience that is going on right now and get a lil bit of friendly support from others.
or know if anyone had gone through anything similar.
but did not aim to confuse and I apologize if I did.

redpepper 12-27-2010 06:26 AM

No problem, it can be moved. :)

preciselove 12-27-2010 07:04 AM

Long distance for 18 months? That's like running backwards for 18 months. A few months can be achieved when you've only known them a short time, but 18 months is too long. Even if you tell them you'll try, the only way it's going to end is with you miserable or seeing other people then neglecting them.

Most people don't want to give up what they've got until they've got something better, so it's not like you wouldn't have company in that club.

carl 12-27-2010 10:55 AM

lol. try 9 years in a long distance relationship. in 2 separate countries no less.

FlameKat 12-27-2010 11:22 AM

way to go carl

mine is 2 years and counting - also in two separate countries and 16 hour time difference... its hard but if you're committed to communication and selfless it is worth it

kala83 12-27-2010 03:59 PM

the one thing about the situation that does make me feel hopeful is that they both seems to not really want to lose the relationship as much as I do, so I do feel like they are willing to work at it.
and I know that all of us are willing to work at going visiting each other so that we can spend time together and it is only two hours away from were I live now.

so its not like it would be impossible, like I said even if the odds are stacked against me I am going to be the type of person that thinks positively about all this and I am going to hold onto this even when it gets hard. thats just the way my personality is....if what I feel for them really is right then it will work out..and I think thats that worth fighting for in the long run.

Ariakas 12-27-2010 05:01 PM

It takes hard work and a willingness to be open to various types of communication. You don't have physical touch so everything else is really important. Ideally everyone knows what everyone needs out of it and there is a willingness to try. Its even more important all sides are invested in the relationship. Otherwise you can end up disconnected. Without that physical ability to reconnect, it can start to spiral.

LDR's aren't impossible but they do require some alternate thinking when it comes to how relationships evolve. :) It sounds like you have the right attitude. Best of luck


BrigidsDaughter 12-28-2010 02:53 AM

My husband went to OSUT at Fort Knox,KY. two months after we started dating officially. I saw him for one weekend half way though training and then again for 10 days while he was home on leave before being stationed at Fort Riley, KS. We did the long distance thing for 2 years before I joined him at Fort Riley, seeing each other once every 11 months for 10-14 days. It was tough, but there were tons of letters, e-mails, cards, care packages, and phone calls (I lost quite a few paychecks to paying my parents back for using the phone all night). Communication is key, as is making every minute that you are able to be together count. I wish you a lot of luck.

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