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-   -   Struggling with a breakup (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45194)

belleamore 04-21-2013 12:13 AM

Struggling with a breakup
Well, my relationship with my secondary partner recently dissolved - mostly because he discovered he can't function well as part of a poly relationship.

It's incredibly frustrating, because we both love each other - quite possibly too much for the boundaries of what we can logically have right now. But he wants someone to marry, someone he can come home to, and while I want something long term as well, I can never actually marry him. He actually told me the reason why he was breaking up with me was because he wanted me to be the woman he came home to. He wanted to marry me. I didn't even know how to respond to that, other than I wished that somehow I could make it happen - although B is not poly either, and there is no way in hell living with both of them under the same roof would ever happen.

We're trying to be friends, but it's very rough at times. I wish I could have that romantic side of our relationship back, or hell, even just the sexual side. He's doing a good job at keeping things strictly platonic - I think it's helping both of us stay moderately sane - but it's still incredibly hard for me at times.

Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this?

GalaGirl 04-21-2013 01:28 AM

Yes. Many years ago with BF2.

But limitations are limitations.

He wants to marry. You do not want to marry him.

It is what it is, so the relationship has to change shape.

Hang in there as you grieve for the loss. Not of HIM - but the romance. It will get better.

And you have a great friend to boot! That's nothing to sneeze at. His being around still as a good friend, and friendship is a precious thing.


NutBusterX 04-23-2013 11:03 PM

Hello belleamore,
i'm Jim. I had a relationship dissolve recently for a fundamental difference in viewpoint on the poly dynamic. The circumstances are not the same, and certainly i don't intend to hijack your thread. The feelings are pretty close though.

It's terribly painful to part ways with someone you still like a lot. I find myself thinking things like "but if you could just chaaaaaange," to quote my friend BoringGuy The reality is, that isn't ever going to happen. The two of you have different expectations and goals, and they aren't aligning. That's ok, but it is painful. My condolences. It sucks. It especially sucks when you are in a situation where you get to see that former love frequently. There's evidence of that about 100 feet away from me at this very moment.

GalaGirl is absolutely right. Hang in there. It will get easier.

Best of luck :)

alternativevirgo 04-24-2013 01:59 PM

Actually, I'm going through something similar. It wasn't a long relationship, but I still miss what we had and I feel that I'm missing out on the memories we could have made. But his reasons were vague when he decided to end things, but I think it has to do with what he wants out of a relationship (marriage/children), which is something I cannot give him. I can be committed to him, but not in the same way I am to my husband and I don't see us having children together (nor is my husband comfortable with the idea of my secondary being my baby daddy). It sucks because we do love each other and are really attracted to one another. But over the past week, it's gotten better. We are working hard at keeping the close bond we had when we were friends, but trying to keep the romantic/sexual side in check. We check in with each other every few days (keeping the conversation a friendly/platonic one) and we still hang out from time to time with our social circle. It's not easy, but I'd rather have this than not have him in my life at all. Another thing that has helped me is the support of my husband, which is weird and awesome at the same time. My hubbs is my best friend, so it makes sense that he would have my back during this situation. He's even gone as far as watching sappy movies and eating ice cream with me while telling me (in his best sassy best-friend voice), "Girl, he is not good enough for you, you can do so much better!". LOL. Everyone here is right, it does get better. This is just like any other breakup, it sucks, it hurts, you want them back, but after time you've adjusted to your loss and want to move on.

elle 04-24-2013 03:27 PM

Me too!!! :)

It TOTALLY sucks. If the whole experience wasn't so fresh for me, it would be funny.

Talked it all out, got down to the nitty gritty and he decided he wants someone to be there when he wakes up, come home to and hold hands while admiring the sunset. Ah, c'est la vie.

So he went back to his old girlfriend. Whom he doesn't like to spend the night with, does not do dishes (or cook). But she does like sunsets, beach walks and hand holding-- so do I, it's called vacation!!

belleamore 04-30-2013 11:08 PM

Thanks, everyone, for all your thoughtful replies - I'm just working on making it through each day and trying to focus on the future, and the fact that he and I can still at least be friends. It's tough, especially lately, since it's coming up on what would have been our anniversary soon, but I want him to be happy - and if he can't be happy with what I can offer him, I want him to find someone who can offer him what he needs.

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