And I'm the one who is supposed to know how to do this...
Iím 34 year old woman from Finland, living with a man and a woman. I have a strong need to open up, so this is quite detailed introduction. Perhaps you have some comments or advice for me.
Me: 34y female, bi, poly
Kay: 43y, lesbian, poly, my wife to be, my soulmate, been together some 1y 8mth (KayFin on this forum)
O: 52y, straight, poly, my BF, been together some 6.5y
Some history of my relations:
In my 20s, I was trying to get over very religious upbringing with disapproving attitude toward sexuality Ė I was taught that genuinely good people donít even want sex. Apparently Iím very, very bad person, then. When exploring my sexuality I found out Iím bi, and kinky. I didnít recognize the poly part, however.
I met O while I was still with my previous bf. The situation could have developed into a nice V, but I didnít know what I wanted. I didnít know how to communicate and I wasnít aware polyamorous relationships are possible. So we separated with my ex, and O and I quickly started to build a life together. We focused on our new home and mutual hobbies.
After couple of years some issues in our sex life emerged. We both hanged there. After a couple more years I opened a discussion about sex with other people. I felt seriously distressed about my need of sex, but O responded very positively, to both my and his own relief. So, sex with others was ok for both of us. Still within a year, I was getting rather frustrated about casual sex; it didnít help much.
Then I met Kay. I was really impressed by her from the day one. After our second date I had to tell O that I would do almost anything to keep this woman in my life. He was approving, saying that it was a good thing then, if I had feelings for her. My feelings developed fast, for sure, and hers as well.
This time I made the effort to let her know I would not leave O. Iíve had the habit to change partner and life whenever I fell in love. This time however, first with O, and then on even deeper level with Kay, I started to communicate. At last!
My relationship with Kay flourished and I felt more able to discuss with O as well. Kay moved into our home about a year ago. She and O get along very well. Our life together has been very happy and joyful.
The current issue:
Shortly after Kay and I met, one of her close friends made an impression on me. I tried to push it off my mind since Kay and I had just started to date. I expected my interest into her friend to fade away, but it did not. No doubt Kay saw my interest, but we didnít discuss it seriously. After a year together with Kay I was ready to talk about it and opened discussion. I was not able, or perhaps just willing, to let it go without Kay asking me to do so.
Kay got scared at first, but she is very skillful in analyzing problems. So we have talked about it every now and then during the past few months. Just recently Kay decided not to ask me to pull back. (Kayís perspective on the issue can be read on the thread she started recently.) I opened discussions with her friend, who showed interest towards me.
So, it seems I might be starting something with a very good friend of my wife to be. To my own surprise, I am now going through some emotional issues about this. Despite and/or because of my history, I still have difficulties to accept myself as poly. I once again sort of expected that falling madly in love with Kay would magically transform me into a good mono person Iím supposed to be (according to my upbringing, at least). Apparently that has not happened.
Now I try to deal with my emerging emotions towards Kayís friend, as there they are, although I and her friend have only had a few initial discussions. And often Iím scared to death that Iíll destroy either my romantic relations with my love, or the friendship these two women have, or both.
Life is wonderful, but my fears are sometimes overwhelming. Kay found your comments and advice very useful (thank you for that). Perhaps I donít need to figure things out by myself, either.
Welcome dear, and thank you
Welcome to our forum.
We have got to know Kay a little and it has been enjoyable. Now it's nice to meet you too!
I can relate to your feeling afraid, as most of my life has been haunted by fears. I also had an upbringing comparable to yours -- very religious and sex-negative. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could accept poly as part of my life.
I think the secret here, in your situation, is to take things slow, and to do lots of communicating with Kay, O, and Kay's friend. Find out how everyone's feeling a lot of the time. Also let people know if you need reassurance.
It is difficult to realize one is poly-inclined in a world that is not inclined to accept poly. I think participating on Polyamory.com will help with that. It will demonstrate to you that many other good people are poly too.
Be assured, from my point of view, that you are a good and worthy person just as you are.
I'll learn :)
Thank you for the reply and the very good advice you gave. I think you are absolutely right on every point you made.
It gives me a lots of hope to see intelligent and emphatic people actually discussing here. It's indeed a symbol of the start of my process to once again to work on accepting my own sexuality, that I registered on this forum. And it seems I can receive useful ideas here as well. Wow!
On our relations here: I somewhat automatically proceed slowly with this as Kay's friend's job keeps her away from us quite a lot. On the other hand, there is a clear risk to jump into conclusions while waiting her to come back. I hope since I realize this, I'm on my way to figure out how to communicate everything sufficiently with everybody.
Yes, you should always be cautious about making assumptions. Communicate directly and get the exact and real scoop.
Hopefully reading and posting on Polyamory.com will help you get an increased sense of perspective about things.
I am Jim. I'm pleased to see you posting here on the forum. I have read Kay's posts and i think both of you are proceeding responsibly and with care for all involved. :)
Life happened but I'm less frightened
I haven't been here for months, so I'd like to reintroduce my family:
Me, Aquamarine: 35y female, bi?, poly
Kay: 44y female, lesbian, poly, my wife and soulmate, been together over 2y
O: 53y male, straight, poly, lived together some 7y
Last time in April, I wrote that I was perhaps starting something with a close friend of Kay's and that I was dealing with fears about it.
However, life happened and took practically all my energy. I could not properly focus on the new/potential relationship. Although some serious stuff (the life part) was going on, me and Kay got married during the summer. In the wedding, Kay's friend was her maid of honour and O was my best man, and I found that quite comforting. After all the wedding hassle and some not-so-fun stuff taking all my and Kay's time, I've had a few quieter momets during the autumn. However, Kay's friend is traveling constantly due her work. I've felt me and her have somewhat drifted apart because of being busy all the time. So, I don't know if I'm getting anywhere with her, but it seems the situation is not a disaster either.
On the positive side, besides our wedding, O seems to have found a new lady friend. I'm really happy for him, because I feel he has quietly suffered from my close and passionate relationship with Kay, him being more on the background. This is my interpretation in spite of him approving my and Kay's relationship all along. Now it seems he's got a chance to develop something genuine with this lady.
Finally an observation about my sexual orientation: although I had been proud of my bisexual identity over a decade, during the past 2 years I haven't missed sex with men (telling something about the nature of my and O's relationship). I wonder if I turn out to be a lesbian, but that does not actually matter very much any more, although losing my bi-identity bothered me earlier.
Just wanted to update our situation a bit, as our life seems to be quite balanced at the moment.
Thanks for your update Aquamarine. I'm glad to hear that everyone in your "polycule" is beginning to feel more steady/balanced about things. I'm sure it's also (literally) been disorienting to try and relocate yourself on the Kinsey scale. O definitely needed a girlfriend to add to his life if you're thinking you're mostly on the homosexual end of the scale.
Keep letting us know how things are going.
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