Exploring this. Could use some help.
I've recently reconnected with someone from my past and we are really hitting it off. We've spent two weekends together so far and it's been great. I haven't been in a relationship in 10 yrs and I'm not necessarily looking for one now. But I feel like I could commit to seeing him once a month for right now (we live two hours from each other). To be clear, I am not polyamorous at all. I am an introverted loner who tends not to like people as a whole, only specific ones. I've been disappointed a lot in my life and it's just easier for me to be alone. I'm not looking to get married or even to be in a long term committed relationship. But I really connect with this guy and I have a good time with him and it's been a very long time since I experienced that. It's been very hard for me to find.
He is 5 yrs older than me and has been through several monogamous relationships but has always wanted to date other people too. When he has broached this subject with his SO, it has not gone well, so he dropped the subject. He now feels like he wants to try polyamory. He is not currently in a relationship. From the articles I've read thus far, most polyamory seems to take place inside a committed relationship (if not monogamous). Like, there's is a base relationship where there is trust and complete comfort with each other. Once that is achieved, then the two split off and find either random people to sleep with or FWB or there's kink involved or what have you. It seems mostly about the sex.
Well, that's not what I'm dealing with here. This is not about the sex for him, although he wants that to remain a component. For he and I both, sex includes a mental and emotional connection. Outside of that, it's kind of a waste of time. In his mind, he would like to have multiple emotionally connected relationships...that do include sex. But the connection is what's going to be important for him. He sees himself having these relationships and maintaining them long term. Mind you, this is all a theory in his head, at this point. Knowing that he and I have similar personalities, I think this is going to get very complicated and ultimately be exhausting. But he's got to figure this out for himself. So none of these relationships actually exist yet, but he would like me to be the first. Since we don't live in the same city and I don't want to have some serious relationship, I'm thinking of trying it out. I don't care if he dates other women or flirts or what have you. But I did get hung up on the multiple sexual partners bit. It just seems a bit irresponsible. I keep going back to those charts they showed us in school: "If you sleep with him and he's slept with this many girls and they've all slept with this many men, and so on, you've slept with ALL of them!" Gross!!! I have no desire to become a slut by proxy. Even if a condom is used every time there are still ways to transmit STDs. You could get crabs or if someone has herpes of the mouth and gives the guy a blow job, he could now have genital herpes. And I swear to god, if they gave that shit to me I would feel like the biggest idiot in the world.....and there would be HELL to pay.
So, that's currently my biggest concern. Plus, this is just a theory and he hasn't really thought things through yet so I'm kind of having to do that for him. I don't know him well enough to trust him completely. But he's made it clear that it is his intention to try polyamory and he would like me involved with that. I'm willing to try it if I can get my needs met and there is no risk of sexual disease.
So what do you think? Have you seen relationships like this work before and what do they look like? What is the structure and what are the basic rules when there is not a primary relationship involved?
You guys co-create your own agreements between you for your own polyship -- IF you choose to be in polyship. That would include your safer sex agreements.
But if it just plain squicks you out that your lover has other concurrent lovers, even with barriers like condoms, gloves, dams, std lab screenings, etc?
Best just NOT to have that kind of relationship then.
Could not pursue something that is off putting to you, right? :confused:
Well, that's the feeling I had, but I figured if there was a way to be safe about it and we had certain rules in place concerning that, I could be ok.
The other thing I'd really like answered is what is the best way to jump into this with no primary relationship? Or is it better to start with a primary? I can't find any stories where it's worked the way he's wanting to do it. It would be nice to have some sort of structure to build on.
What way is he wanting to do it? How about you?
I'd suggest you read together and decide if you are compatible together in the first place. Nobody can determine your agreements for you -- it's DIY.
But if you are not open relationship model compatible at all -- like he wants "swinging" and you want "polyfidelity"... then it isn't gonna be a runner, right? That's two different open relationship models. Or maybe one wants a "heirarchy thing with primary-secondary-tertiary" and the other wants "co-primary" or "only secondaries" or something. Have to determine if you are on the same page.
So maybe what you need are links to read to help you sort your preferences out?
What open relationship models appeal to you/him? Do you both agree on that?
Pay attention to potential pitfalls. Here's another pitfall article.
Talk it out together. That's what dating time is for. To find the people that are compatible to you. Not every dating partner is gonna be a runner. YKWIM?
Ok, thanks Gala. Those should be some great places to start.
You are welcome. I hope you are able to sort things within just yourself to where you can make a clear call on this one -- whether you ultimately decide to keep dating him or not.
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