Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45111)

Cutiepie 04-19-2013 10:20 PM

Confused
 
I am "single" woman dating someone already in a marriage for the last year. K is the V. I have been reading these boards for some time now. I am having some difficulties that I have discussed with my partner "K". I dont know how to change it bc i feel my feelings are being brushed off. You see the three of us do everything together. There is never any alone time. I make sure they get their aline time. We dont go anywhere unless the other half is also there. K rarely wants to sleep with me bc K feels bad that the other half will feel jealous or left out. I have been begging K to do something with me those 2 - 3 days a week I see K. now i am seeing a little resentment and anger coming from k towards me for speaking up. im at a loss. I love this person. I want a real date with k. Its suffocating me.

Dagferi 04-19-2013 10:33 PM

Cutie you have every right to ask for alone time.

Are you in a true V relationship like I am. My husband and boyfriend have no relationship other than knowing each other through me. Or are you are in a triad?

There is no way Murf would put up with Butch being around for everything.

Do you all live together?

Cutiepie 04-19-2013 10:49 PM

Confused
 
[QUOTE=Dagferi;198197]Cutie you have every right to ask for alone time.

Are you in a true V relationship like I am. My husband and boyfriend have no relationship other than knowing each other through me. Or are you are in a triad?
No its not a triad and we do not live together.

Dagferi 04-19-2013 11:04 PM

Thanks for clarifying your situation.

Unfortunately in my opinion unless K is willing to work on things and set some boundaries with his OSO there is nothing you can do.

I personally hate the whole primary secondary relationship model. To me the secondaryends up feeling like a second class citizen. I live by the rule of never make someone a priority who makes you an option. My relationships are separate but equal. Butch's wants do not come above Murf's.

Since K is not going to work to make things better my advice is to do what is right for you. You deserve happiness.

Cutiepie 04-19-2013 11:11 PM

Thanks
 
I do feel second class. I dont want to walk away

Dagferi 04-19-2013 11:18 PM

Central Pa by Pottsville. The home of Yeungling beer

InAndOut 04-19-2013 11:30 PM

Can you sit down with K and his wife to work out needs? Is this their first time trying polymer? The wife needs to get a handle on her jealousy and let your relationship be great.

You deserve to be treated with respect and like your needs matter. You're just as important and they need to realize that the two relationships need to be separate. You're dating him. Not her. I'm opposed to hierarchy b/c #2 always ends up being treated wrong.

♡ Bella

Cutiepie 04-19-2013 11:37 PM

I have talked and negotiated. Noone is listening. I was already told my needs cannot be met. I dont think this is their first time. I am after all only a secondary.

InAndOut 04-20-2013 12:09 AM

Secondaries have needs and wants. If a relationship wasn't meeting my needs, I wouldn't stay in it. A relationship can't survive like that. Too much togetherness will work on everybody's nerves and create resentment.

♡ Bella

NutBusterX 04-20-2013 03:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cutiepie (Post 198208)
I have talked and negotiated. Noone is listening. I was already told my needs cannot be met. I dont think this is their first time. I am after all only a secondary.

You are, after all, a human being with feelings that matter. I really feel like this defeat by default mentality is affecting your self esteem. Everyone deserves to matter in romantic relationships. If you don't matter, run.

Good luck. :)


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:46 AM.