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-   -   Always a Struggle? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4510)

Calisolara 12-21-2010 05:45 AM

Always a Struggle?
 
I am on the fifth month of my second poly relationship. It has been such an up and down thing, I think I am just burning out.

My dear wonderful husband was having issues and insisting he didn't want me to give up my second relationship because of his issues. He has since settled down mostly and is now deployed again. I miss him so dearly. I feel like a piece of me is missing because I can't talk to my lover and confidant.

My boyfriend, not boyfriend.. I don't know what to call him, he is giving me the hot and cold. It seems like mostly cold lately. I complicated things by moving close by him, so we are not a long distance relationship anymore. He said he was always really excited to see me when I visited, but lately its a source of frustration to have me nearby all the time. He is trying to juggle time with me and his friends. He has stopped initiating me to do things with him, I am always asking him. His roommate/best friend started questioning our relationship. He had told his best friend that we were just a sexual relationship, no emotional attachment when we started because he knew his friend wouldn't understand. His roommate has picked up that there is more to it I think. It has become very clear his roommate doesn't approve and actually left the house yesterday so he didn't have to hang out with us. He wasn't supposed to be there anyway, but I was hurt by his behavior. My boyfriend said this is why he is having such difficultly being with me. He wants to be with someone he can introduce to his friends as his girlfriend. He can't do that with me because he doesn't want people to unfairly judge me. He says he wants his friends to like me, and they won't if they know everything. I feel like, I am never with you and your friends... how are they ever going to know me? I feel him distancing himself once again and then when we get together he still feels distant for awhile and then starts being himself. I don't know whether to be patient or just say goodbye. I always have such a tough time letting go of relationships.

I also saw a message from his roommate saying aren't you breaking things off with her? His response said no its her birthday I can't do that (It was the next day.) That was two weeks ago, and he still hasn't talked to me. I have spent lots of time with him since then and I feel like something is still wrong, but he isn't talking to me about it.

This is also made more difficult by the fact that I know he is carrying on an emotional relationship with someone in another state that he isn't telling me about. He was supposed to talk to me when he was interested in someone and he hasn't done that. He texts less often, and I notice that she is getting all the attention I got when I lived out of state. I think he is worried about hurting me and its hurting me with him not telling me. I can't tell him I noticed because that involved me seeing a message that popped on his phone. I don't know how to talk to him because it seems like if I bring up serious conversations they go poorly. If he brings something up he talks openly and everything seems better.

I really want to be with a guy who has this all figured out. I don't know what to do with this one. They always put their feet in thinking they can handle all of this only find out they feel strong things for me and not happy sharing. Then they pull away, and I get hurt.

I'll probably add more to this as I go.. I am venting in a very not organized way.

Anyone mind adding me to their facebook? I created an account for poly and a place where I can just chat.

nycindie 12-21-2010 06:11 AM

I think you need to tell the bf point-blank what you want, in no uncertain terms, and be willing to walk away if he cannot meet your terms. At this point, he's jerking you around. Not necessarily on purpose, but he's being wishy-washy. When I was first dating my husband, he was in a relationship, engaged to someone. We were not poly; he was cheating. After two weeks, I told him, "I don't want to put you in a position of having to lie. I want my own man, not someone else's (remember, I was mono then)." I told him upfront, "either you leave her or it's over." He immediately moved out from their place and in with me shortly thereafter. However, I meant it when I said it would be over if he didn't choose me. He got that.

I think when you are sure of what you want and express it directly, without showing the insecure side of you, he will respond. Not saying what that response will be -- he could still be wishy-washy -- but you will know where he stands and act accordingly. For example, if it were me in your situation, I'd be all over it with, "I want to be with someone who isn't ashamed to be with me in front of their friends, who wants to be with me more than he wants to avoid other people's criticism. If you can't handle this, it's over. Walk beside me proudly, let me love you, or be a coward and say goodbye. The choice is yours." In your own words, of course.

Take charge, be confident that you know your own mind and state what you will not put up with. As long as you are skulking around, checking his phone, reading his messages, wondering what to do, feeling sorry for yourself, you will be at his mercy. Ultimately, YOU need to make a choice which will result in his making a choice. And then you back up your ultimatum and walk away if he wimps out. It will hurt, but you will be stronger for it.

TruckerPete 12-21-2010 04:50 PM

It sounds like you have to work to do for yourself first, or your future relationships will follow similar paths.

How exactly are you finding these messages that you shouldn't be seeing? I think you're snooping quite a bit more than you've admitted to.

It is extremely difficult to trust someone when you are not behaving in a trustworthy manner toward that person.

frogprincess21ca 12-21-2010 06:23 PM

firstly, huge hugs to you.

it must be so tough in your life right now. i send all my best wishes and energies to support you.

i know the ending of a relationship is a tough thing.....that being said it is harder to keep a relationship working through communication and i personally think that it is even harder with a poly relationship. that being said it can also be extremely rewarding.

i would be really really angry at the man that you are dating. to me it sounds like he is jerking your chain around as nycide said. personally i wouldn't put up with this. if someone cares about you they firstly wouldn't lie about you. i hate to say this but both my partners wouldn't take flack about me from their friends. who he loves isn't their business unless you are somehow abusing him. which i don't' think you are.

if someone loves you they will want to foster your growth and the love you share through honesty and communication. that being said poly isn't for everyone. it sounds like you have had a rough spell in the dating department. not all people are that way. finding the gems are hard

maybe some soul searching is important . is there a pattern that keeps happening . do you choose similar people.to protect youself do you need to have some health boundaries in place with new friends. would you treat others the way you partner is treating you . you don't need to sell yourself short just because you want someone. people should be there all with you . you should be one of their moons and stars.

it also sound to me like you are missing some friends in your life. i will try to send you my face book. i may not be around lots. but i do have a shoulder and am willing to listen.

as to him being dishonest with his friends and other partners to me this is not cool. he is sabotaging your relationship with him. as to sitting him down and having a talk with him that will be tough. i know you can do it.

big loves your way ....part of me wants to smack this dude for treating you this way. no one should treat another this way.


tanya

Calisolara 12-21-2010 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 56543)
It sounds like you have to work to do for yourself first, or your future relationships will follow similar paths.

How exactly are you finding these messages that you shouldn't be seeing? I think you're snooping quite a bit more than you've admitted to.

It is extremely difficult to trust someone when you are not behaving in a trustworthy manner toward that person.


Unfortunately the messages have popped up when I have been using the phone with his permission and people text at the wrong time. Another message came through when his phone was sitting next to me on the couch. He also tells me when his phone starts blowing up its his friend in the other state. He doesn't answer her texts when he is with me and he gets a goodnight text at 1 am when we are going to bed. I am not that oblivious not to notice what is going on.

I have actually asked a few times if everything is okay and he has said yes its fine, just difficult at the moment. I am going to have to get some courage and just be blunt. I thought I could just wait it out through the holidays and wait for some of the other stress in my life to die down but it's not looking like I can do that.

TruckerPete 12-21-2010 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Calisolara (Post 56586)
Unfortunately the messages have popped up when I have been using the phone with his permission and people text at the wrong time. Another message came through when his phone was sitting next to me on the couch. He also tells me when his phone starts blowing up its his friend in the other state. He doesn't answer her texts when he is with me and he gets a goodnight text at 1 am when we are going to bed. I am not that oblivious not to notice what is going on.

I have actually asked a few times if everything is okay and he has said yes its fine, just difficult at the moment. I am going to have to get some courage and just be blunt. I thought I could just wait it out through the holidays and wait for some of the other stress in my life to die down but it's not looking like I can do that.

In case you didn't notice, I do tend to vote for bluntness. :o

Having ruled out you being a snoopy snooper, then yes, it sounds like you need a real sit down conversation with him.

TheBlackSwede 12-21-2010 10:11 PM

X2 on bluntness. Beating around the bush here isn't going to do anyone any good.

redpepper 12-22-2010 04:55 AM

I'm not as keen on blunt as I am open and honest communication while respecting ones feelings; empathizing with them and giving them an avenue to respond without feeling threatened. I think blunt is far too threatening on its own. The idea for me is to make sure that the person I am communicating with feels as comfortable as possible to open up without losing sight of my own needs.

I would suggest using some common and easy communication skills (all adapted from ncv).

1. Observe. Tell him that you notice he texts this woman a lot. You notice his friends opinions are important to him and that he likes to spend time with them. You notice the roomate struggles when you are there.

2. Feelings. Feeling words without putting blame on him. I feel, not you did this to me.

3. Needs. What specifically do you need from him. What do you need for yourself. What do you need to stay in the relationshipEtc.

4. Requests. The actions you would like to see occur. Negotiate boundaries.
5. Have him do this same process so that he might have the space and safety to be able to talk openly and honestly with you.

I would wonder if his friends are making this hard for the situation. Friends who don't understand or even wish to, especially a whole group of them, can be a BIG challenge. Give him the space to express how he feels about his friends and I bet that is the key to his mystery.

Calisolara 12-24-2010 08:09 AM

I actually had a decent talk with the boyfriend tonight. He is really upset about his friend not accepting our relationship. He has distanced himself a bit because he is unsure about the future of our relationship. His head sees the end result as us not being friends if we get too far. He wants to keep me in his life no matter what happens. His heart wants our relationship, but is still unsure of where its going to end.

I asked him why he liked me. He said "I love you because your crazy." I wonder if the I love you part slipped or not. I didn't make a fuss or say it back, but its the first time he has said that besides one day I texted him he was amazing and his response was only to the people I love. Friends have told me before that he has actually said I love you before with other things he has done. I have had a tendency of when a guy looks at you in the eyes and sings words to a song that say I love you that he is just singing the song. He actually isn't saying that.

His friends are the most important thing to him. It is the way he has lived his life the last 28 years. He knows if he tries to force me up on them it will end up badly. He originally told his roommate (which is his best friend) that we were just fuck buddies. His roommate tolerated that but warned its probably not a good idea. He finally told his roommate that it was more then that thinking his roommate would be accepting (its his best friend after all), but the most important person in his life doesn't want to stand in the same room with us. He is that opposed to us. So now even if boyfriend wants to invite me over he has to deal with his roommate having a pout fest and leaving the house. This guy means the world to my guy. My boyfriend acts like he is emotionally gay with this man telling him everything he does. His roommate actually left on Sunday when he decided to come home early. It has turned into well now I am scared to introduce you to any of my friends because I am worried they will some how know there is something going on and they won't like you at all. I pointed out the fact that I'll never get to know anyone if you never invite me over to your parties to meet anyone.

He is having a New Years party. His roommate/best friend will be there. If I come, his roommate is going to be unhappy. It has absolutely nothing to do with my behavior or anything I have done. He lives in the same house with this man. How do you invite me over to meet and be with your friends if your roommate/best friend is going to pout about it the whole time??

So messed up... I hate it all. :(

NeonKaos 12-24-2010 09:26 AM

roommate/best friend/emotional-gay-boyfriend needs to look through his dirty laundry and find those big-boy pants he hasn't used in a while.


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