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-   -   coming out of a rut.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4502)

firsttimepoly 12-20-2010 07:39 AM

coming out of a rut....
 
my husband and i of 16 years had fallen into an emotional rut and didn't know how to get out. watching a new tv series "sister wives" sparked an interest in us and we discussed the possibilities. Everything seems to have many pros and not that many cons that cannot be over come. My husband was discussing our situation with a female friend and she too was interested in the lifestyle, as she also, has relationship issues currently and is looking for "a more fulfilling" life. Since he has been speaking to her, and developing a relationship he has become more aware of his self and how "stuck" we were. I am happy he is finding a new love in her, but am dealing with my "sharing" issues as i have never done this before and we have been together for a long while. but after meeting with her, i really like her and don't mind sharing (with the possibility of she and i being together as well, eventually). I think i am just more jealous that i am not falling in love too as they are. Dont get me wrong, the relationship between my husband and i is getting better, we communicate more, he is not as demanding as he once was, and seems to be genuinely happy. My question is this.....we all agree that a poly relationship is what we all are in need of, the emotional support, the friendship, the love all the bells and whistles. To make a fuller, richer life for us and our families. However, once we do this, how do we introduce this to our extended family members and friends? We all come from very christian backgrounds and do not think that our new lifestyle will be widely accepted by them. we don't really care, but the point is to have and embrace our family. we want to have a commitment ceremony eventually and would like everyone to join us and to celebrate and be happy with us.....how can we do this tactfully and tastefully?

redpepper 12-20-2010 08:11 AM

Well, first of all I think you are putting the cart before the horse. You are only just starting this journey and there is far more to think about than what family think... you have a world of things to sort out. The more you are in it the more there will be. Baby steps my dear... baby steps ;)

I think it might not be wise to consider that you will be with her also. Its a lovely thing to love a metamour, but to love them "that way" doesn't often work. It doesn't sound like right off the bat it was about the three of you in a tiad, so let them alone and enjoy your newly revived partner.

You sound like you have empathy NRE for your partner and his girlfriend. That is lovely, but keeping it in perspective might be a good idea... someone has to anchor you all to the ground.

Give this all a chance, it isn't all glorious and lovely... if you have some jealousy then best to address it and get more settled before telling family. It becomes far more complicated and intense once others know. All those little doubts become HUGE. Make sure there are none before hand...

Mono was in our lives for 8 months before we told family. We told them because they forced us to tell them. It was far too early. We had just worked out boundaries about time together on a regular basis and were getting comfortable with the dynamic... you can read back and see.

It's been almost two years now and he lives with us. It was a hell of a ride but we did it only because we took our time... there is really no rush to do anything as if you love someone there is often that feeling of wanting to spend the rest of our lives with them. Riding on that has been helpful to us.

Quath 12-22-2010 03:21 AM

I agree with Redpepper in that you need to see where the relationship is going before you plan too far or try to steer it where it doesn't naturally want to go.

But once you get to a phase where you are ready to tell friends and family, there are several threads on this board on coming out. But I think the main point is not to act defensive and point out that you are happy. Some people may reject it, but still want you as friend/family. They can be difficult, but I think over time they can be won over as they see it is not as horrible as they imagined. Some will be ok. But some may not want to hang around you anymore. In a sense, you find out who is really your friend.

SourGirl 12-22-2010 07:45 PM

Agree totally with Redpepper and Quath.


This (poly) is hard. I don`t mean hard like being on Survivor, and living on rice for 30 days,..I mean it is doubly more difficult, then monogamous relationship development.

I`ve had a fairly easy ride, compared to many stories I have read, or seen develop around me. Still, if I could choose to NOT be poly in mindset, I would. Life would be simpler.

Take time, and let 'coming out' develop naturally if you can. I am catholic, and I have no intentions of coming out to anyone. As far as I am concerned, it`s not anyone`s business, and even if I was found out, they are on a need-to-know basis.
I won`t ever be living with secondaries though. So it`s easy for me to say such things. One thing I do think, watching how others handle their coming-out`s is that I really wish people would consider the feelings of those receiving such information. So many people seem to handle it like they are teling friends and family they just bought a new house. It is not a good way to handle it. Usually seems to lead to distasters, and hurt feelings.

When telling someone of a religious, or older generation, do not expect acceptance. Have reasonable expectations. People not accepting you right off the bat, is not them neccessarily being evil. It is shocking for them. They are hearing of things they have probably never heard of.

The first time any of us hear of poly, it`s overwhelming. Even if we embrace it, we usually hear concepts for the first time and shake our head and say 'no, never.' and WE are searching for that info, and still feel that way !

Put yourself in others shoes, and time things in a appropriate manner. Bits of info, are sometimes more useful, then bombarding people. Also give people lots of time to find a piece of their love and heart, that can accept you, once the shock wears off.


One day at a time..... make sure the relationship is solid first. People can`t take others seriously if things aren`t established.

preciselove 12-23-2010 09:18 AM

Don't tell anyone. If they visit you or you visit them just do what you normally do and if they ask about it tell them. You have to be secure in who you are if you want acceptance, people don't like thinking you are hiding things from them.


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