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-   -   So I need some help... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4499)

Yuki 12-19-2010 12:00 PM

So I need some help...
Okay so here's the problem, I have a boyfriend. But I have been talking to another guy for about 2 years now. And he has always been in a relationship. And now that he is out of it he wants to be with me. Now he knows I have a boyfriend and he is totally fine with it. He said as long as he can have his own separate time with me then he will be happy. And I have no problem with that. Its just my boyfriend that I have now that worries me.
For all intensive purposes we will call the boyfriend I have now Yuri. And the boyfriend that I want to add to my relationship Topher. (Oddly enough they both actually have the same first and middle name.)
Any way Yuri and I have known each other for a really long time now for I think it is 6 yrs and we just started going out not to long ago. So the relationship is still in the infant stage. But Iíve known him for so long that it doesnít seem to really matter (if that makes any sense at all). And I mean I care for him I really do, its just when I look at Topher I can't help but drive myself crazy over wanting him as well. Because with in the two years of knowing Topher I can honestly say that I love him. And this is where I get confused.
Don t get me wrong Iíve always been the type of person that takes what he wants regardless of the consequences, and in the end usually ends up with nothing, but for that brief moment I am satisfied. But this time I don't want to loose it all and end up with nothing. I want to keep them both. But Iím not so sure if Yuri would even give it a thought.
He tends to keep an open mind about everything. But I'm not sure how he would feel about this. Especially with it being so early in the relationship. And I'm not really sure how to go about it either. I mean I know that if he agreed there would be ground rules and all that stuff.
But I'm not sure how to define it...
Cause I know this may sound ignorant and all. But I have no problem with dating them both at the same time. And I have no problem if they want to have another partner. I just donít want them dating each other. Like I want to be the only connecting link between the two. I have no problem if they wanna get to know each other even. Just I want there affections for myself and do not want to see them exchange affections between each other. Dose that make me a bad person?
I don't know anymore I really don't so I was hoping to be able to put the situation up on here and maybe get some help.

Please and thank you,
The Confused Elf,

Somegeezer 12-19-2010 02:04 PM

Talk to Yuri about it and tell him how you feel. If he disagrees, you then have a choice to keep living the way you do an not being able to be with Topher, or you leave Yuri and find someone who will agree. If he agrees, you win. =] Make it clear that you don't want them being with each other either and say why you don't want that. There is a whole world of people to meet if they choose to be with someone else, they don't need to be with each other if that would make you unhappy. Though sometimes you just can't control feelings. What if they did fall for each other and want to be together? It would be hipocritical not to allow that if Yuri agreed to having you get with Topher when you feel this way about him. So make sure you have a think about the what ifs. =]

redpepper 12-19-2010 07:30 PM

SG has some good points. I wonder if your partner now knows about this other man that you talk to. I think starting with that is the best bet and then take it slowly. You could tell him the story of how you met and what you talk about. What it was like to meet him, it you have, how hurt he is that his last relationship ended not long ago, how you feel some love for him and want to be there for him... that would be a good start. Let that settle and then add to it in little bits by telling him what you and him talk about. Engaging him in your friendship I think is the best likely scenario for success.

As for not wanting to share, well, you can't predict what will happen. If you want an open relationship then you can request all you want that they not fall in love and want to be together to, but really, when it comes down to it, you have no control over that and could very well have to let that go.

Yuki 12-20-2010 12:23 AM

Okay so Yuri is supposed to come over tonight and well I plan on talking to him a little bit about Topher and all. I'm way nervous and don't really know what to expect from him. I don't know if he will blow up at me or if he will just turn around and leave. I Hope neither... But we will see. I plan on doing it bit by bit.... its just I'm nervous as all hell.

And I also understand what you guys are saying with the whole fact of not wanting them to be together. I mean I wouldn't try to prevent it. And I wouldn't leave either of them if they did happen to fall for each other. Cause its like SG said that would kinda make me a hypocrite. I guess I'm just being greedy. ^_^

But wish me luck, Ill let you all know how it goes.

Ooo and thank you both for your advice. it was very helpful ^_^

Somegeezer 12-20-2010 01:03 AM

Always here to give advice lovely. =] I look forward to hearing how it goes.

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