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-   -   polyfamily question.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44972)

xtrememousey 04-18-2013 07:58 AM

polyfamily question....
 
so things are going well in our poly family but now b that we are coming out to people we have all decided to tell our families. my family took it well, they don't know everything yet but there is a plan to tell them the whole story face to face in July but they do know that wife2 is pregnant and that the baby it's my boys half sibling. her family is excited for everything, our poly relationship her pregnancy....everything. his family however.....let's just say that it didn't go well. they said stuff but the thing that stood out was that they said we are going to "mess up" our kids.

anyone have any suggestions on how to start the conversation and get on better terms with them and helping how they view our triad....

Natja 04-18-2013 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xtrememousey (Post 197831)
.....let's just say that it didn't go well. they said stuff but the thing that stood out was that they said we are going to "mess up" our kids.

anyone have any suggestions on how to start the conversation and get on better terms with them and helping how they view our triad....

It is not easy, the thing is, it is quite possible that you already made a decent argument in favour of your family and that is why his family fell on that old chestnut of 'What about the children???? :eek: '

You may have to accept that no matter how well you present your family situation and how stable and healthy it is, they still may not accept it or come to terms with it. Your husband may have to decide whether to reduce contact with them so as to reduce stress on your family, he can't please 100% of the people 100% of the time.

You can't change other people's minds but you can learn to be patient whilst they adjust their thinking and eventually come to terms with it in their own way and as long as that is acceptable to you than you can start to move forward.

Good Luck,
Natja

xtrememousey 04-18-2013 10:00 AM

I guess I just don't want them to cut my boys out of their lives....or the baby coming....they are innocent and my.oldest boy adores his grandma and papa...

ugh.....this whole being happy thing in a non traditional family is hard. I don't understand why people can't be happy when their children are happy.

Natja 04-18-2013 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xtrememousey (Post 197869)
I guess I just don't want them to cut my boys out of their lives....or the baby coming....they are innocent and my.oldest boy adores his grandma and papa...

ugh.....this whole being happy thing in a non traditional family is hard. I don't understand why people can't be happy when their children are happy.

It is dreadful, I do understand. My mother appears to be making it her life's mission to estrange herself from her kids and grandchildren. I am not sure why (I am the only Poly one btw). It looks like she will face the future with all her descendants living as far away as possible from her and not having much contact, it is weird because I know she loves me, but why doesn't she want to make an effort to have a decent relationship without her pride, control issues and judgemental-ism get in the way? I just don't know. :(

I wish parents would understand that it is 'they' who are damaging the children by with holding attention/affection or causing a scene with threats and intimidation.

I suppose you could always try and take control and make them aware that it is up to them how they will take it and whether they wish to have a relationship with their own grandchildren, something along the lines of:

"I understand that this relationship is quite unusual and takes some getting used to, just be aware that we love each other, we are very happy and we are committed to raising the children in a happy and healthy home full of love. We truly believe that having their grandparents in their lives are key to their happiness so I would hope, that for THEIR (the children's) sake you will continue to help create that happy environment."

Something like that perhaps? I don't know I am not the best wordsmith, perhaps others can come out with better?

Good Luck,

Natja :o

G

kdt26417 04-19-2013 08:48 AM

Nope, I think that's exactly what I'd say to them. Family members who reject, make their own decisions as to whether they will ever shape up their attitudes. Could take a month, a year, or a lifetime. Depends on how stubborn they are. The best you can do is always be polite but firm, and be ready and willing to answer any questions that don't snoop inappropriately into your business.

The world is unfortunately not ready to accept polyamory. You'll probably have to make some difficult decisions about how to respond to, "We don't want our children exposed to it," etc.

InAndOut 04-19-2013 11:46 AM

The family has to make the call. They may accept your children but reject the girlfriend and the new baby. You could like present the best argument for it being a safe, stable, loving environment, but even that might not be enough. Polyamory isn't a new concept, but society still doesn't view it is normal or right. I wouldn't push it too much because your husband probably cares about his family and may not want to sacrifice the relationships. That's his call to make. They might be tolerant of it in due time, but that could take months, years, or never happen. If y'all are happy, then that's all that matters.

♡ Bella

Natja 04-19-2013 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InAndOut (Post 198117)
The family has to make the call. They may accept your children but reject the girlfriend and the new baby. ..... I wouldn't push it too much because your husband probably cares about his family and may not want to sacrifice the relationships. That's his call to make.
♡ Bella

However this new baby is also his, therefore it's their grandchild also, it is a hard man who would allow one child to be rejected whilst the other is accepted.

It would be easier if the other children were not related to their son but I don't see how they will be allowed to reject this other grandchild?

Natja

InAndOut 04-19-2013 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Natja (Post 198135)
However this new baby is also his, therefore it's their grandchild also, it is a hard man who would allow one child to be rejected whilst the other is accepted.

It would be easier if the other children were not related to their son but I don't see how they will be allowed to reject this other grandchild?

Natja

I've watched it in my own fam. I'm not the only poly friendly member. The grandma treats the other kid differently and had no problem admitting it. She admitted to not doing as much as she does for the other kids and not even wanting to foster a relationship with her. I don't condone treating an innocent baby that way, but I can't tell people how to live. I wouldn't accept that. I wondered how that was possible. I do wonder if my immediate family would do the same. I don't have kids, yet. I'm from Louisiana aka close minded central. Bible thumping, judgmental, close minded relatives are what I grew up with. I couldn't wait to move for college. The people called family were the biggest hypocrites. It's not being allowed to do it. They do as they please and don't miss a wink of sleep behind it. Yeah the mentality is jacked. My family is full of bigots and ignorance. I know what I gotta deal with. I watched my aunt turn on my cousin for wanting to attend college and be more than a statistic.

♡ Bella

GalaGirl 04-20-2013 04:19 AM

Quote:

I guess I just don't want them to cut my boys out of their lives....or the baby coming....they are innocent and my.oldest boy adores his grandma and papa...
That is what you might want. But you are not actually in charge of how grandma and grandpa spend their time or choose how to behave. Grandma and grandpa are in charge of grandma and grandpa.

They may accept the child or reject the child. They behave however they do.

YOU can choose how you behave and who you allow contact with your kids and allow to form ties with your kids.

Your job is to raise your kids and shield then from nasty you are able to shield them from. Find out right now how Grandma and Grandpa plan to behave toward you all.

If grandma and grandpa choose to treat any of your poly family in less than loving/kind ways? Maybe it is best for the children to NOT hang around with grandma and grandpa. :(

You and your poly people are going to have to have some serious talks here about this and you watch and see how things actually unfold in your situation.

You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. If grandma and grandpa decide to get nutty and challenge you for custody of the kids? Know the laws in your area.

I say this with a heavy, heavy heart. I'm not trying to be a wet blanket. I hope things actually work out ok after they get over the surprise of the news.

But if they don't? Be prepared.

Galagirl

LovingRadiance 04-20-2013 06:52 AM

We have a mix of mine, his , ours, and the other ours with our kids. We told all three families-treat them equal or no contact. Dont have to like our dynamic or approve, but no favorism between children or contact will be terminated. Most of the extended families opted for playing nice, they have come to accept the dynamic as well. A few opted to be shits, we cut contact.


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