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-   -   how can I move past this? can I move past this? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44931)

jones 04-17-2013 11:51 AM

how can I move past this? can I move past this?
 
hi all, I found out today that my primary thinks he loves his ex (his secondary partner) more than me and that he wish he met her in uni or when we broke up a few years ago, he wish he got with her.

I am so heartbroken, I have felt second best for a long time and now its clear I am, I don't know if I want to carry on being second best even though they aren't together but her primary partner is thinking of breaking up with her as she did something very hurtful and he hasn't loved her in a long time, so if she is free and single they will get back together.

I don't want this, I have told him this but he is doing it anyway. do I stay or leave? can I stay and how will I deal with it.

GalaGirl 04-17-2013 12:43 PM

I am sorry you are upset. :(

Quote:

I don't want this, I have told him this but he is doing it anyway. do I stay or leave? can I stay and how will I deal with it.
I'm a bit confused... What is he doing that you do not want?
1) Pining for the ex and dreaming?

2) Or asking the ex to get back together with him even though you don't want him to pursue her?
If it is 1, then perhaps with time he will come back to earth and meet your needs in your relationship. He can still love the ex but past is past.

If it is 2, and he's not meeting needs and there is no hope of meeting needs in future... perhaps it is best to accept and split.

Only you know if partner meets your needs or not (both in short term and in long term.) So debating whether to break up or not... that's up to you.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

jones 04-17-2013 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 197646)
I am sorry you are upset. :(



I'm a bit confused... What is he doing that you do not want?
1) Pining for the ex and dreaming?

2) Or asking the ex to get back together with him even though you don't want him to pursue her?
If it is 1, then perhaps with time he will come back to earth and meet your needs in your relationship. He can still love the ex but past is past.

If it is 2, and he's not meeting needs and there is no hope of meeting needs in future... perhaps it is best to accept and split.

Only you know if partner meets your needs or not (both in short term and in long term.) So debating whether to break up or not... that's up to you.

Hang in there!
Galagirl


he is still talking to her despite it hurts so much that she won't talk to me, she doesn't love me anymore but she still loves him again it hurts, she said she doesn't want a relationship with him but that was a lie.

when he is with me and its just us I don't feel he meets all my needs.

he said today he doesn't want to lose me and he loves me so much, which is great but he loves her more than me, we have been together for ten years and he was with her for 8 months.

he said he wish he didn't get back together with me and he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me, this guy who I love isn't poly if he is thinking like this. or is he?

j is done with me and everything to do with me and she is still talking to G, this hurts so much.

GalaGirl 04-17-2013 07:09 PM

I see that it hurts. :(

But here's what appears to be the bottom line --

Quote:

"when he is with me and its just us I don't feel he meets all my needs."
He says he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but goes telling you things that upset you like
  • he loves her more.
  • he wish he didn't get back together with me
  • he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me.

That's mixed message. When in doubt? I go with the actions and NOT the words. The actions of him still going after her like this sounds like "less than loving / alienating" behavior to me.

Even WITHOUT all this extra frosting?

You say he doesn't meet your needs when it is just you two anyway. So no cake here, really.

Maybe in the interest of your own best health you pull the plug and walk away? :confused:

I won't kid you -- breaking up stinks. But at least it is stink with an end point and you can start to heal and start to feel better in time.

Rather than staying here only to be enduring never ending stinkage heaped on your head day after day. :(

Freedom comes in two flavors -- "freedom TO" and "freedom FROM."

Maybe you want to reach out for Freedom FROM this yucky even if you don't have anything in mind for what you want to be reaching out TO at this moment?

Galagirl

nancyfore 04-17-2013 10:16 PM

Big hugs, I know this sucks...

His statement that he wishes he hadn't gotten back together with you and wishes he had met her sooner is certainly not being kind to you at all, and if he doesn't meet your needs, you might need to break away from him. Its going to hurt yes, but it's not seeming to be so
great now either...

I wish the best for you....

Nancy

AnnabelMore 04-17-2013 11:13 PM

"he said he wish he didn't get back together with me and he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me" <-- This is a terribly cruel thing to say to someone who you're supposed to be in a relationship with. I'm so sorry, but it's time to move on. You deserve better than that.

FullofLove1052 04-17-2013 11:24 PM

What a cruel, cruel thing to say. I think you need to leave him. You are not second best, and he should have ever said anything like that. Let them be together. When a person shows you who they really are, believe them. Sending hugs your way. You deserve so much better. How can someone say they love you after saying something so cold?

Ry

jones 04-18-2013 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 197718)
I see that it hurts. :(

But here's what appears to be the bottom line --



He says he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but goes telling you things that upset you like
  • he loves her more.
  • he wish he didn't get back together with me
  • he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me.

That's mixed message. When in doubt? I go with the actions and NOT the words. The actions of him still going after her like this sounds like "less than loving / alienating" behavior to me.

Even WITHOUT all this extra frosting?

You say he doesn't meet your needs when it is just you two anyway. So no cake here, really.

Maybe in the interest of your own best health you pull the plug and walk away? :confused:

I won't kid you -- breaking up stinks. But at least it is stink with an end point and you can start to heal and start to feel better in time.

Rather than staying here only to be enduring never ending stinkage heaped on your head day after day. :(

Freedom comes in two flavors -- "freedom TO" and "freedom FROM."

Maybe you want to reach out for Freedom FROM this yucky even if you don't have anything in mind for what you want to be reaching out TO at this moment?

Galagirl


Hi gala,

me and G had a chat this morning, I spent the night away from him yesterday to think about things, we aren't 100% but getting there, J is the main source of our fights, B is leaving her because he found out she didn't use a condom with G and P, he has moved out and I was trying to talk to her and she said she wanted nothing to do with me, still G is blaming me and fighting with me.

here is my main question: how can I be happy and move on from the right J wants nothing to do with me and wants to talk to G but not me and will one day start dating him again. I did say to G if he dated her I would leave him but he is still going to date her.

I can't see myself staying with him if he dated her.

jones 04-18-2013 07:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 197773)
"he said he wish he didn't get back together with me and he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me" <-- This is a terribly cruel thing to say to someone who you're supposed to be in a relationship with. I'm so sorry, but it's time to move on. You deserve better than that.

thank you I wish it was that easy, I love him so much but this makes me so unhappy but he won't stop talking to her or seeing her, I wish she was gone, I am not opposed to him having a relationship just not with her.

GalaGirl 04-18-2013 08:31 AM

Quote:

I did say to G if he dated her I would leave him but he is still going to date her.
I can't see myself staying with him if he dated her.
No matter how you slice this whole thing it is going to hurt. :(

I am so sorry you are going through stages of grief right now. Hang in there. Eventually you will get through the stages to arrive at acceptance and then be able to decide things with less pain. Maybe it helps to know the stages names and monitor yourself as you work your way through? You might wibble up and down but the overall trend getting better?

Do you self care that you need.

People see your struggle -- you aren't struggling alone.

Namaste,
Galagirl


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