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-   -   So, We're a New, Closed V. Thoughts? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44930)

ThatLChap 04-17-2013 11:44 AM

So, We're a New, Closed V. Thoughts?
 
So, uh, hi there. This may be a small novel of an introduction, as there's a fair bit of history to cover, but if anyone would be willing to read it and offer some advice or thoughts, that would be appreciated.

There's three of us involved in this, me, Lilla (my partner) and TG (her boyfriend), and we work as a closed polyamorous vee. Currently, we work pretty well together, I get on very well with TG, and consider him a close friend (though both me and TG are straight. More or less). The inclusion of him has actually helped my own relationship with Lilla, as we've spent hours and hours discussing our feelings about the situation, which has obviously led to improved communication with all of us. We have our issues, just as any couple, poly or otherwise, but since we're all kind of new to this, we make sure to talk through them as much as we can, as we don't want things like resentment or jealousy to build.

Right, onto the history. Lilla and I were previously a monogamous couple for about 3 years or so. She's bisexual, though prior to our relationship she'd just had 1 boyfriend, which she came out of with a few intimacy and trust issues, particularly with her own sexual identity, and being afraid of receiving a negative response to wanting to express it. I've had some issues with my own identity as well, like expressing certain emotions or having a bad habit of not communicating. I also went through a process of thinking about my own sexuality, and only recently started defining myself as heteroflexible.

But anyway, a few months back, before TG came into the picture, we were having some major relationship and trust issues, which are separate to this, but took place at the same time as Lilla started to think about her feelings and sexual identity, and through talking to a friend came to the conclusion that she was possibly polyamorous. Unfortunately, that was put on the back burner for a couple of months, while we tried to work through the trust issues, and I wasn't ready to listen to what she was experiencing. Well, I did pay attention to it when we talked, but I wasn't ready to process it properly.

Fast forward a couple of months or so to January of this year, and Lilla travelled to a swing and blues dancing event (we're both vintage dancers), where she started properly talking to and developing a connection with TG. She knew him previously, and I'd met him once at a class he was teaching. As a side point; In the social dancing world, you will dance with hundreds of dancers over a weekend, but despite the closeness and intimacy involved, sexual attraction/tension is mostly an illusion. So with TG, she connected to him on a more personal level, outside of the dancing aspect.

After the camp they continued to talk via text and instant messaging (which wasn't sexual or romantic in the slightest), and about a week and a half later she stayed at his house after a dance event where he lives. So that was the first time she'd danced with someone, other than me, and felt a sexual connection. They stayed in the same bed, though nothing happened, and the next day she came to me and relayed the previous night's events. She didn't know what she wanted with TG (relationship, friends with benefits etc.), and I didn't quite know how to react to that, as it was a completely new situation. I'll cut this part short, as neither of us can quite remember how things played out, but eventually it settled into her wanting a relationship with TG, which forced me to massively challenge my own boundaries and feelings when it came to relationships.

This led to discussions that ran on for hours, in which I was definitely more uncomfortable, as I didn't know how I felt about her wanting a physical and emotional relationship with another man, as the entire thing surprised the both of us; her because she wasn't looking for another relationship, and me because I just wasn't expecting it, and had assumed the whole poly issue was in the background, at the time. Over the next few weeks, she stayed with him a couple more times, again with nothing much happening between the two of them, aside from some teasing. We'd set some boundaries for the physical side of things, as I was still confronting the ideas of jealousy and possession, that seem to come pre-packaged with, well, being male, and traditional relationships. Lilla and I disagreed a couple of times about these boundaries, but she did stick to them, even if she thought I was being an idiot (I was).

Eventually, we started relaxing these boundaries as I became more comfortable with their relationship, and started looking at whether being polyamorous would be something I'd want to explore, which ended up as us deciding to focus on what was now a vee, instead of introducing more people and complicating things (though I may still want to explore that in future). What helped massively was when the three of us met for the first time, as a unit, and hung out for a weekend (though we kept anything sexual separate, as none of us are interested in turning the vee into a triad). So yeah, we all got on, and TG and I instantly became friends, and since then we've all become a lot closer. TG and Lilla have since become intimate, and while it was sooner than planned, it hasn't affected anything negatively.

So that about brings us up to speed. There's plenty more to talk about, but this post has run on way longer than I thought it would, so I'll post about whatever else in the life stories bit, alongside Lilla, as we want to do a joint story thing. But anyway, if anyone has any thoughts or questions, you're more than welcome to say, as this was a bit lacking in fine detail, due to me trying to cram in as much as possible. But I'm rambling now, so I'll shut up and let you fine people have your say.

Marvin 04-17-2013 02:06 PM

Hi there Chap
Hats off to you guys for handling the changes in your relationship in what I believe to be a mature manner. The intrinsic "guy thing" about being jealous and possessive in indeed a difficult hurdle to clear.
It sounds like the two of you are moving in the right direction and are keeping good communication between the two of you. Welcome to the forum and I hope that this new journey proves as rewarding for you as it has for me and many others here.

Regards,

M

Nadya 04-17-2013 02:17 PM

Hello,

and welcome to the forum! What a lovely story you have... really enjoyed reading it. Sounds like your Vee is healthily based on trust and communication, you are taking your time getting used to new things and not rushing into anything... great! Of course this kind of big changes in life provoke mixed feelings, but you seem to be very capable of handling them.

The story was very nicely told from your and Lilla's perspective, so I became curious about TG. Is he new to poly as well? What does he think about your situation and polyamory in general?

Hope everything continues to be as good as it sounds to be now with all three of you!

ThatLChap 04-17-2013 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadya (Post 197660)
Hello,

and welcome to the forum! What a lovely story you have... really enjoyed reading it. Sounds like your Vee is healthily based on trust and communication, you are taking your time getting used to new things and not rushing into anything... great! Of course this kind of big changes in life provoke mixed feelings, but you seem to be very capable of handling them.

The story was very nicely told from your and Lilla's perspective, so I became curious about TG. Is he new to poly as well? What does he think about your situation and polyamory in general?

Hope everything continues to be as good as it sounds to be now with all three of you!

Thanks! Nice to know we're doing the right things, it's taken a lot of talking and effort, but hopefully we can continue to improve. I don't know how new TG is to the concept of poly, I think he's been aware of it for several years, but this is his first poly relationship, so we're all figuring things out together. He's got several friends who are poly though, so he's very comfortable with the idea, and he's been tremendously supportive and accommodating when I was coming round to different ideas and dropping boundaries. Him, Lilla and his poly friends hang out pretty regularly, and I'd join them, if it wasn't for travel making things difficult (we all live in 3 different cities).

NutBusterX 04-17-2013 03:32 PM

hello!
 
Hello! I am Jim.
wonderful story and i look forward to reading more in the future. Welcome to the forum.

kdt26417 04-17-2013 04:17 PM

Hello ThatLChap,

Welcome to our forum (and I say welcome to Lilla and TG also).

It sounds to me like you pretty much did the transition from monogamy to polyamory in a perfect fashion (if there can be such a thing as perfect). Feelings were discussed along the way, boundaries gradually dissolved. We men sometimes have a, "She my woman," thing going, but you seem to have gotten over yours pretty well (and left the club on the cave floor).

It may be that there will be some turbulence in the future, as polyamory isn't always a smooth flight (especially in the first few years). But, if you're like me, you'll eventually find yourself settled into a blissfully boring existence (no drama). Unless you do find another partner, in which the scariness and newness start up again.

Post your story; the Life stories and blogs board is a good place for that. You and Lilla can both post there; TG can post there too if y'all want. It would be interesting to see the story from all three people's perspectives.

Glad you could join us; hope you enjoy your stay here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Lilla 04-18-2013 12:41 PM

Hey,

I'm Lilla, the girl in this, TLC has summed most things up well, but I just wanted to say thank you for the positive responses :). I'm quite a stress prone person and fairly analytical, so that you guys think we are going about things in a good way means a lot.

To add a little more context, TLC is 22, I'm 23 and TG is 26. He is a lot like me in the way I think and commumicate which has been good on several levels. His background is a bit different as he had been single for a long time before I came along. But he knew the score with me and TLC and has been supportive and respectful at every turn. It also helps his best friends are in an MFM triad, so he's seen a similar dynamic work before.

Like all people he has a few trust issues left from exs, but he knows I love him for him and am not going to drop him like a new toy. He doesnt want to cause problems within mine and TLC's relationship, and has said if that ever happened he would want to step back. Me and TLC both respect that though hope this won't come up And at the moment doesnt seem likely. Both relationships have their own dynamics and issues of course. Like it's sometimes difficult not being able to be open with our friends and the dance community. Right now me and TG are on the way to an event TLC couldn't make, and I'm excited for the alone time, but also miss TLC and can feel myself worrying at appearing too coupley with TG around a group of people who associate me as being mono with TLC.

Anyway, drifting a little more into life stories and blog territory now, so will end post here. Thanks again guys xx

FullofLove1052 04-18-2013 02:11 PM

Welcome to you all.

It seems like you are doing things right. Keep communicating and addressing things as they pop up. We are here to offer advice, support, and what-not. You seem to be off to a good start, and you handled things better than most would have. Kudos to you all for that.

Good luck to each of you on this journey!

Hugs,

Ry

Phy 04-18-2013 03:56 PM

Welcome :)

I love to hear about other MFM relationships that work without many problems. I found quite some resemblances to our story and am happy that you decided to share your journey to your current relationship configuration with us.

The analyzing and thinking too much part is totally normal, Lilla (for some at least ;)); don't start worrying about your tendency to worry :D I know what I speak of here :rolleyes:

NutBusterX 04-18-2013 05:02 PM

Hi Lilla!
I'm jim. Reading stories like this one makes me happy. I'll echo Phy in that analyzing and thinking are common and normal for some of us. :)


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