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-   -   My two partners are going to meet for the first time next month and I need advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44918)

purelyparadox23 04-17-2013 05:40 AM

My two partners are going to meet for the first time next month and I need advice
 
I am in a V with my long distance boyfriend of 4 years (I live in the US and he lives in the UK) and a great guy who goes to my college who I've been seeing for 5 months. My primary (the LD boyfriend) was actually the one who suggest that we try an open relationship. We were/are very happy together but we're also each others first boyfriend/girlfriend, and when I told him I felt like I missed out on dating he told me I should try it, he supports me 100%. This lead me to eventually start seeing my second partner. I am very lucky to have these two wonderful men in my life, especially because they are both totally fine with the fact that I am seeing both of them, and they are fine with meeting each other.

However, I myself am a bit nervous for them to meet. I think they will get along well enough (my new partner is bi and is a little more enthusiastic about the whole poly thing, whereas my boyfriend is more so just easygoing and likes everybody) but I'm not sure what to do when I have them both at the same time. I only see my primary twice a year, so thus far it has been easy to separate my time with him from my time spent with my new partner. To be honest I have some residual guilt because my LD boyfriend came first and I feel afraid of showing affection towards my new partner in front of him, even though he probably won't mind. I also feel a bit guilty because my feelings towards my new partner are very strong, and I feel like my strongest emotions should be for my primary when they're not. I'm afraid that I will keep myself from enjoying both of my partners at the same time because of this mono-mindset guilt I can't seem to shake.

What have your experiences been? Do you ever feel guilty or obligated to favor one partner over the other? How do you manage time between two partners, and how do you show affection towards two people without feeling guilty about it?

Anneintherain 04-19-2013 12:03 AM

Why don't you ask everybody some questions, first - yourself

What do I want to be able to do to express affection to each of them?

Maybe I'd ask "primary" next since it seems to be them you are worried about. Hey I wanted to ask you about PDA, this is what I'd like to be able to do, are you uncomfortable about any of it? (or comfortable with MORE than I mentioned?)

Then ask your other partner Hey I wanted to ask you about PDA, this is what I'd like to be able to do (tailored, I imagine to include or not include things your other partner already felt OK or not with, and anything they may have added to your initial idea about "AOK with me activities")) are you uncomfortable about any of it?

Then before you get together, let everybody know what to expect from YOU as a shared partner, so there's not going to be weird "should I shouldn't I" issues and you can just enjoy the time together in as relaxed a manner as possible.


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