Should me and my wife just call it quits?
I am a mono trapped in a poly relationship, she wants it, I do not.
I love her dearly, but when isn't love enough? Every time she fools around or sleeping with one of her partners I feel cheated on, literally sick to my stomach. It doesn't turn me on in any way whatsoever to think of her with her partners (all female). Attempting to compensate I try to begin my own relationship but I feel nothing and more then likely will let it fail. She tries to urge me to be "open" but I feel like it's her way of not feeling guilty if we are both doing it, if that makes any sense.
The reason I have not it quits yet, is because I cant put my finger on what is bother me.
I am not especially jealous, I see the person as competition more then anything else. I have no problems personally attracting women to me, so it's not a confidence thing. I have no issue with the lifestyle in itself, just the thought of her being with someone else makes me ill.
I want her to be happy, and it's almost like I love her so much I wanna leave her so my feelings don't mess with her poly "inner self".
TLDR - I am miserable, I dont want her to be miserable to make me happy. And Id do anything to save us and figure out how to work through this.
Do you have children?
If you don't have kids, and you are that distraught, but cannot figure out why, some time away might help you figure it out. A couple of weeks or months with no contact might make it real clear that whether you don't want to live without her or better off not together.
Sometimes people think they want something or don't want something, and they are so sure about it until they don't have it or until they get it.
Of course, it would be a much much better if you could figure it out without doing that. But if truly have honestly talked yourselves blue in the face and you there are no more words to say, what else can you do?
Just make sure you really cannot communicate any more than you already have, because it is human nature to fool ourselves into believing we did everything we could, but I find if I am being real, for me anyway, if I am not careful I'll take the easy way out. Which would be to claim I can't take any more, but unless I am really at my wits end, it is more like trying to pull strings to get my way.
What does your wife say when you talk to her about it?
Have you asked her to take a break with her partners for a little while so you can work through your feelings?
Starting other relationships isn't going to help with the problems of the current one and it isn't really fair to the women you would be in a relationship with.
One of the tricks is figuring out how to learn deep inside that you aren't in competition with her lovers any more than you're in competition with her friends.
It isn't easy at all. I'm struggling with it the evening... again. But it's less than normal, so there's hope.
It is up to you.
Is this a HARD LIMIT? Like polyshipping is just NOT your cup of tea and never will be? No amount of time will ever change the fact that for you, you like your romances to come in a monoship shape?
Is this a SOFT LIMIT? One that could change in time because the problem is not polyshipping in general but HOW she is doing it right now? You have objections to some of her polyshipping practices?
Since sex is the trigger... is it her moving too fast into sexual relationships before you can know/trust the person with your beloved? Unsafe sex practices that put you at risk? Something else? Is the sex share poking you not in your "Physical health bucket" but in your "mental health" bucket -- arousing jealousy things like fears of abandonment or other kinds of jealous like how you fit into her life NOW?
If you know deep down it is a hard limit... let her go. As hard as it is, choosing an end point and short term break up suffering is better than no-end-in-sight continual suffering. :(
If it is a soft limit and you really want this for yourself too, perhaps schedule an honest talk about the HOW she approaches polyshipping right now and what could be improved so you can feel physically safe, emotionally safe, mentally safe, and spiritually safe. So you can work toward being comfortable and happy in polyship.
Hang in there!
Drill down to the essence of what is underneath your discomfort. Keep asking yourself "why does this make me nauseous," "why do I hate it," "and why did I consent to this?"
Here are some ideas (you don't have to answer them here, but these are just food for thought, for further self-examination):
Hope this helps you. Have you done any reading about poly? I recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
I am doing this by cell phone, so forgive spelling andIll try to answer all the questions.
We have 2 kids, six and two. We recently spent 6 months apart and we came back together wanting the relationship to work.
We communicate very well (this time, the first time not so well) and she understand my feelings and was the once that directed me to this site.
The poly was not rushed, she has had 2 partners in the last 3 years.
She says she told me she was poly going into the relationship (I don't remember) and the first 4 years of us being together we were mono, she then decided she wanted the poly lifestyle. So after a kid and wonderful mono relationship I was forced to accept her as poly.
I am unsure if I have a soft or hard limit. I will never be apart of a triad. That isn't for me. If I formed a relationship with someone else of my own, it would be so I would be more like her. Not because I actually cared for the person I was in a relationship with. (Which is unfair to everyone)
Sex is the trigger but I don't know whether its unsafe or not, to save myself pain I refrain from asking about it at all, she is a lesbian and has only had relations with woman, so I don't know how unsafe that can be.
(you + [wife) + GF]
The wife is the shared sweetie hinge person in the "V."
The question is if you want to STAY in this polyship like it is.
It seems like you may be facing this question:
You could examine more deeply like NYCindie suggests, to determine if you have a soft or a hard limit on this.
Then if it turns out to be a hard limit? It just IS. A monoship is your preference for relationship model so you can feel best in.
Neither shapes are right or wrong in general. But when you guys do not match in desired shape? It's not matching, and not compatible. :(
Have you both talked it out? Considered if breaking up IS the most healthy thing here for all parties? Don't avoid having the conversation just because it is scary or sad or...
Could accept this is just a stinky time right now for BOTH.
Could decide to speak to FUTURE then -- where is the path to a less stinky future for both then? So both can arrive there? What is each willing and not willing to do?
Thanks for the replies everyone, sadly this thread hasn't helped me at all. It just repeat things I already know and questions I've already asked myself. Thanks for your help though. I will continue browsing other threads and see if others experiences will help me more.
The only question that really matters is if it's a soft line or a hard one, all others are irrelevant really.
Thank you again.
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