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-   -   New and wanting to do this the best way possible. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44899)

alternativevirgo 04-16-2013 09:26 PM

New and wanting to do this the best way possible.
 
Hello all. I'm new to polyamory, but have been leaning towards it for a few years now. My husband and I have discussed trying polyamory off and on prior to our marriage. I had reservations because I have problems with real/perceived abandonment and I know that I will need LOTS of reassurance throughout the process. Right now my husband and I are in a place where we'd like to take things slow - get to know a person, build up some trust, and then slowly start a romantic/sexual relationship. We've already tried including another person (male) with me as what you would call a hinge (even though I have been encouraging these two to become friends and hang out without me around). However that's a moot point because this person has decided that he's "in a weird place" and would like to put this "on hold".

Since my husband and I are new to this, we are still trying to figure out stuff: are we ok with one of us being a hinge or would we prefer a triad, how can we approach someone one/both of us are attracted to without freaking them out, etc. Can someone who's been doing this for a while tell me what it was like for them in the beginning and lessons they've learned. I'd definitely would like to know if you guys think there are things my hubbs and I (and new people we meet) MUST talk about during this beginning stage or if it's more realistic to learn as we go. That friend that decided to put things on hold really hurt me, so I'd like to go about this a little wiser next time around. Thanks!

hyperskeptic 04-16-2013 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alternativevirgo (Post 197535)
Since my husband and I are new to this, we are still trying to figure out stuff: are we ok with one of us being a hinge or would we prefer a triad, how can we approach someone one/both of us are attracted to without freaking them out, etc. Can someone who's been doing this for a while tell me what it was like for them in the beginning and lessons they've learned. I'd definitely would like to know if you guys think there are things my hubbs and I (and new people we meet) MUST talk about during this beginning stage or if it's more realistic to learn as we go. That friend that decided to put things on hold really hurt me, so I'd like to go about this a little wiser next time around. Thanks!

Welcome to the forum!

It may seem odd for me to say this but, in one sense, at least, you're already doing this the best way possible: you're thinking and talking; you're open to various possibilities; you're paying attention to your own reactions and to the needs and responses of others in whom you might each/both be interested.

My wife and I decided to be polyamorous a couple of years ago. Our model is to be independent in developing relationships with others, and to see what happens.

One of the most important lessons I've learned, so far, is not to be too attached to any particular outcome. I'm currently not involved with anyone outside my marriage (at least, not involved in anything other than friendship), and my wife is struggling with reduced expectations regarding a guy with whom she's been involved.

For my own part, I'm okay with the way things are, now. I'm open to possibilities, but I am not requiring myself to have a girlfriend, or to be the hinge of a vee, or the angle of a triad, or any particular thing.

I do wish my wife's would-be boyfriend would wise up and see what a good thing he has going with her, but that's out of my control. In the mean time, I'm helping my wife work through intermittent heartache.

That, by the way, is a marvelous discovery we've made: far from fearing abandonment, we celebrate one another's successes in developing relationships with others - including friendships - and we help one another deal with the setbacks.

kdt26417 04-17-2013 02:31 AM

Hi alternativevirgo,
Welcome to our forum.

I happen to be in a poly-fi V (MFM) and I am one of the "arms" of the V. It has worked out really well for me (and for my two companions I think), although we had some rough years in the beginning. I think relationships can be difficult in the beginning, and this may be especially true of poly relationships.

I think love is always a risk, and it is hard to think of advice that would protect you from getting burned in the future. The best you can do is take things slow. I personally recommending developing a platonic friendship first, then if it turns romantic, great, but it doesn't have to. Plus that way you can have the "poly talk" while things are still platonic, and it's not as "weird" for the new person.

Like hyperskeptic said, you're probably pretty well already doing the best things you can do to make poly work. I think part of the problem is it's such a "new" relationship model in our world, people don't know how to respond to it.

I hope reading and posting on this site is helping (and will continue to help).

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

nancyfore 04-17-2013 03:33 AM

Hi Alternatevirgo...

I'm Nancy and my hubby and I were (until recently) in a V with him as the hinge. I think you can read and read and you'll still find yourself experiencing things that are new or you'll need to read more about. Alot of talking is in order all through the process of finding someone and while working through abandonment issues.

We started out thinking that we would only welcome that wonderful "unicorn" that everyone is looking for and soon found out that it just wasn't what we were given to experience. So we have learned not to limit ourselves to our own grand ideas of what life should be like and just "go with the flow" as they say...

Good luck with what ever path you choose, and you'll find alot of info here that will be super useful.

Nancy


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