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-   -   He flips out when we try to be alone together (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44896)

KerrBear 04-16-2013 08:58 PM

He flips out when we try to be alone together
 
My husband has been unhappy and has had some bursts of anger towards my bf. I only get to see my boyfriend on weekends and usually only for a 24 hour period. I have only gotten two times to be completely alone with him, otherwise my husband is always present. I desperately want and need alone time with my boyfriend.

At first, we were not allowed to talk on the phone with each other. I am now allowed to but grudgingly. My bf and I are both gamers and we talk through the ps3 with Bluetooth and a cam. This way, I get to hear him and see him and I love it. But my husband got totally pissed off by this and stormed out of the house, called my bf while I was cam chatting with him so I saw and heard the whole ordeal from my bf's perspective. He said nothing to my husband but "Hey, buddy." but put the phone up to the mic so I could hear and my husband sure gave him an ear full.

I don't know how to make this better. My husband has expressed that he is not wanting me to leave my bf and even encouraged us to stay together when I was pissed off and decided it would be better if I just abandoned the whole thing. My husband realized that I would be terribly unhappy and, as he works with my bf, it would really not solve anything at all.

My husband has since apologized to me and my bf for flipping out on my bf (this has happened a few times at this point) but I'm not allowed to have any alone time with my bf. Last night, I spent all evening with my family and my husband. My husband went to sleep and i stayed up late like I always do. I woke up my bf so I could cam chat with him because I missed him terribly. While cam chatting with him for the second time ever, my husband wakes up and has to sit there and watch us like he's chaperoning. Ugh!

I wish I could find him a gf so he wouldn't be acting like this. . . How do I get him to stop and realize that I do still love him? That he gets me all week long and I only want to see and talk to my bf? That we do need some alone time together. . .

graviton 04-17-2013 12:23 AM

He sounds completely incapable of trusting you. He either is mono or overly controlling. How about moving your relationship forward by attempting to ignore his presence. Maybe he will grow bored or uncomfortable once he realizes that your relationship with your boyfriend has absolutely nothing to do with him.

Dagferi 04-17-2013 12:46 AM

You need to seek marriage counseling. I have a feeling hubby is not ok with you and your boyfriend. He is just playing a long. And something truly ugly could be on the horizon.

If you want to keep your husband are you going to be able to take a step back from your boyfriend and work on your marriage.

SSmith 04-17-2013 01:20 AM

Being the man on the other side (the husband) he is playing along because he loves you, but he is resentful that his loved forced him into the position. He is in a lot of pain.

Icewraithonyx 04-17-2013 03:33 AM

I agree with SSmith and I'm also a mono husband to a poly wife. This is not "I'm ok with polyamory" behavior, this is extremely upset behavior.

Counseling would be a good idea, communication is an absolute must right now! If things are too intense for face to face, maybe writing letters? Wife and I had to do that at times to give ourselves time to cool down and not just lash out back and forth.

KerrBear 04-17-2013 04:04 AM

Here is some background information on what is going on.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44205

I initially made the rule of no phone calls because he had been talking to a girl he had just had a casual encounter with and I liked reading the text messages. They were hot to read and it was a game for us.

I found out he was calling her and I wanted to know what they were talking about. At first, he didn't really like that rule because he liked talking to her and thought it was a silly rule. It was never really enforced because they just stopped texting and talking soon after. Not because of me, but mostly because my husband isn't a big texter and I don't think the two of them clicked much outside of sex.

Fast forward and I wanted to talk on the phone well after we had been texting for weeks and even after we had physically met for the first time and were together. My husband didn't like that I was actually physically talking to him because it took the thrill of reading the text messages away.

Now I realized why he wanted to chat on the phone but even then, mine was different because my boyfriend isn't just a sex partner. I actually have feelings for him and we really wanted to hear each other to help get us by.

I'm also trying really hard to curb my desire to be with my bf every weekend. The video chatting will help my boyfriend and I float by to a time when we can have a weekend together without my husband getting upset by it because there is not enough time for him. . .

When the three of us play together, we are happy. I don't really think my husband is mono, seeming he has a desire for other women. This is why we are/were swingers. He actually really loves watching me be with another man and has never had an issue before. This is just different because I love my bf and he's also having issues with the guy being his co-worker. I don't really understand completely why this is such a big deal to him, but he's explained it that it's because he has to look at the guy all day long and think about it. . . "That I'm married to him more than you. That I only get six hours of freedom from him when I go to sleep," hubby's quote.

I don't really even consider myself a swinger anymore. I did not find what I was looking for in it. I found my boyfriend out of my actions as a swinger but now I have no desire at all of being with anyone else other than him and my husband. .

As for counseling, I'm not sure if this is necessary right now. My husband and I still communicate. I am sharing all this with him right now. I have nothing to hide from him and I don't hide things from him at all. We really do talk a lot and we don't really fight much either. This is why he is screaming at my bf and not me. . .

Right now, I think my husband needs to learn how to change his thinking because he's suffering by his over thinking. It's not really anything me and my bf have done, it's his mind that is messing with him. I think he knows this as he has admitted it to the most part but still wants to blame me or more so blame my bf. He doesn't really trust HIM very much but he says he does trust me.

Anyway, I'm not too sure what will come about. My husband is not a violent guy. He vents and then he's moved on from it mostly.

At work, the two of them are friendly but my bf does get on his nerves sometimes. Mostly because he's a rather eccentric character and my husband is more down to earth, so they have a personality crash from time to time. He even thinks he's a "Goofball" and my bf certainly can be at times. . .

Sigh. I don't want to hurt my husband but I don't know how to turn the feelings I have for my bf "off". Frankly, I don't really want to either. I am really happy right now and my heart feels so full. That doesn't mean I'm not caring of my husband's feelings either. That's why I'm here trying to figure out how to make him feel better while keeping what I need as well.

nancyfore 04-17-2013 04:16 AM

Is he having trouble with the move from swinging to relationship? Maybe the change scares him.

Maybe he thought casual sex was/is ok but developing feelings wasn't what he thought it would be and is now wishing it could be back to swinging again.

Can you put your bf on hold or leave things as they are or even step back a bit until your hubby can work through his issue? I know its not what you want to do but if its what you need to do are you willing to do it?

AnnabelMore 04-17-2013 04:18 AM

"still wants to blame me or more so blame my bf"

Blame you for what? What is it that's making him so upset, exactly? Can he articulate it?

KerrBear 04-17-2013 04:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx (Post 197592)
I agree with SSmith and I'm also a mono husband to a poly wife. This is not "I'm ok with polyamory" behavior, this is extremely upset behavior.

Counseling would be a good idea, communication is an absolute must right now! If things are too intense for face to face, maybe writing letters? Wife and I had to do that at times to give ourselves time to cool down and not just lash out back and forth.

Nothing has ever been too intense for us to talk face to face. We rarely ever fight and when we do, it's usually never screaming and stomping around. We mostly just sit down and talk about things. The problem is, my husband sometimes beats around the bush what is okay and what is not. He says it's okay to do one thing and then acts like he was never okay with it to begin with. It's very confusing. . .

We all three have sat down and talked about things but husband continues to be upset.

Also, my husband is not mono. (He reads my posts and agrees that he is not mono and doesn't want that for our marriage). We are swingers and became swingers when I caught him in bed with another woman a year after we were married. Even before we were married, he has expressed wanting a more open marriage. Now that I've embraced it, he's feeling the backlash of it.

It's probably a pretty sucky feeling. Probably pretty similar to what I was feeling when I caught him and had to change my way of thinking so that I could keep my marriage and my mind. I had to learn to be in an open marriage. Now the tables have turned a bit and things have changed. Now he (and granted all three of us) have to learn how to be in a poly relationship. My husband is just much more vocal about his changing than I was. . .

KerrBear 04-17-2013 04:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nancyfore (Post 197605)
Can you put your bf on hold or leave things as they are or even step back a bit until your hubby can work through his issue? I know its not what you want to do but if its what you need to do are you willing to do it?

What does it mean? I know I can't just stop loving him. I did read this to him and he wants us to "pull back the reins a bit". I don't know how to do this or what this even means. He is okay with us going out sometimes but is not specific about when.

He is more okay with him coming over here so my husband is there to watch. This is okay and we have fun with this, but we really would like our alone time too. Husband says we have our entire lives to do that but eventually my bf is going to want to find a wife and I'm not going to be as important to him. I want to enjoy our love when it's young and fresh but I don't want to hurt my husband either. . .

Quote:

Originally Posted by nancyfore (Post 197605)
Is he having trouble with the move from swinging to relationship? Maybe the change scares him.

Maybe he thought casual sex was/is ok but developing feelings wasn't what he thought it would be and is now wishing it could be back to swinging again.

He's mostly just taken aback by how quickly I developed emotions for him. I'm the first woman my husband has ever loved, but I have been in love a few times before. I understand that love happens very quickly for me but I don't necessarily fall in love easily. Just that when it does happen, it's fast and hard.

My husband also fell in love with me quickly, but he's not really understanding how this would work for me and someone else.


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