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-   -   It seems the seasons always return... poly/mono (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44887)

daoist 04-16-2013 06:14 PM

It seems the seasons always return... poly/mono
I'm soon to be 55. I've usually identified as poly since age 21.

My SO is 41. She's just out of a 20 year sucky monogamous marriage.

We were introduced over a year ago by a mutual friend and after being friends, became lovers. She thought "she'd just fuck me for a while". We fell in love and are having the best relationship of both our lives. Intimacy from day one unabated and the sex just keeps getting better and better, every time.

Now, in the beginning, she was okay with the poly idea because "we weren't serious", but once we became "serious", she became uncomfortable with it. I've been very okay with that as I've let go of a lot of labels and ways of self categorizing myself over the years. To be honest, I've been incredibly happy being monogamous with her!

A time or two since we've been together, she's had "flirty" conversations with other men and she feels very uncomfortable about them. She had one just yesterday with a guy she knew in high school who found her the other day on Facebook. Now we all know flirty conversations are harmless and good for you! But she feels guilty and conflicted when these things come up.

I imagine that one of the reasons she's uncomfortable is the thought that if she explores relationships like these, I should be able to as well and she's not okay with that. I'm sure there are other things (she has moral programming from an Xtian upbringing for example).

She confessed having the conversation to me this morning via e-mail. It occurred last night. She said she feels very uncomfortable about and really wants to talk to me about it.

Now this guy lives many states away and the likelihood of anything much coming of it seems minute. It seems a very safe place for her to explore these feelings. I'm pretty unattached to any outcome. I love her to pieces and know how much she loves me and want her to have whatever makes her joyous and happy.

I guess what I'm looking for here is some advice on how best to make her feel okay. That these feelings are natural and good.

She says she doesn't understand opposite sex friendships. I googled that a bit this morning an seems like a lot of research says they don't work, that sex always comes into it. Not sure how I feel about that as I have more than one platonic relationship with former lovers. Maybe former is the key to that?

Anyway, I think it would be very good for her to explore these feelings an eventually even to explore things physically. She's VERY attracted to women and I think it's almost be a shame for her to never express/explore that. I've pretty much "been there, done that" with regard to about every relationship/sexual scenario you can name, so it's no big draw for me to bed two women. But 20 years of largely sexless monogamy? Sheesh.

Looking forward to discussing this today if you have time.



Marvin 04-16-2013 06:27 PM

Hello James
I would forward her a copy of this post... It seems to me that you are a very grounded, non-threatening individual who is comfortable and secure in your relationship. I cannot see why she would be so hesitant or worried about bringing this forth unless she is not giving you the while story.
For what it's worth try giving her a little extra reassurance (it sounds like she needs it) and possibly promote this friendship if that is OK with you.

All the best


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