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-   -   Confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44886)

Janelle 04-16-2013 06:10 PM

Hi! I am a 36 y/o female who recently (3 months ago)asked my husband,P, for a divorce. I was sexually and emotionally neglected for lack of better words to describe it. He agreed and we seperated.

I met T(male) he is in a open relationship with E (female) and i enjoy the time T and I spend together.

Husband wants to try again and I do miss him. However, I am getting the emotional/sexual connection from T. I dont want to give up what i enjoy with T to go back to the same disconnect with husband. How do I approach my husband with the idea this could all work out in a poly environment??

Marvin 04-16-2013 07:01 PM

Hiya Janelle,
Nice to meet you. You know him better than anyone here- I he's insecure, jealous, or possessive I would say he's probably not going to be down with it. Otherwise just bring it to him in a non threatening manner and see how it goes....
One think to think about though is whether you are OK with this same scenario in reverse. .. If he says yeah sure and I would Ike to bring in another woman. Can you handle that dynamic ?

Hope things work out well for you


NutBusterX 04-16-2013 07:32 PM

I'm Jim.
First, congratulations on your relationship with T. :) Best of luck with P.

Marvin makes an excellent point. Additionally, i would consider T's feelings if P agrees to proceed but starts treating you in a neglectful way and falls back into old habits (or worse, new bad habits.) It's terribly difficult to watch our lovers be loved poorly. My two cents. Hope all goes well.

Janelle 04-16-2013 08:23 PM

Thanks & nice to meet you Marvin,

I didn't mention all the dynamics he too has moved on physically not emotionally. I have heard it referred to like this, relationships can be like jobs for some people one job supplies all their needs and it works, for others they need multiple jobs to sustain. I understand this and beleive the husband should get someone who matches the amount of emotional/sexual desire he is able to give. So to sum it up yes I would be fine if he decided he wanted someone more in tune with his needs/desires.

It is a lot of work and T works very hard to make each one happy. I am very supportive of his other relationship, if he has an issue we discuss them in a positive light. He listens when I talk about my husband and there is no negative energy. Maybe NRE? We are definitely not the norm. I think we identify because we have some of the same issues with our primaries. Is that crazy???

Marvin 04-16-2013 08:27 PM

No that is absolutely not crazy. To me it sounds like you are well on your way to a happy poly relationship...If your ex husband satisfies some emotional need that you have but misses the mark in the bedroom then maybe that's how your relationship should be. Polyamory, fortunately, isn't defined by cookie cutter molds- if it's what works for you the. It's right for you. Freedom to spread your love and companionship as far as you see fit.


Janelle 04-16-2013 08:39 PM

Nice to meet you Jim,


It's terribly difficult to watch our lovers be loved poorly.
I know this first hand as I am watching T go through it with E. He loves her and I respect that I encourage that. We are both such givers to takers. Ah but the heart wants what the heart wants. T and I have both been neglected so we have soo much to give each other. It is difficult to watch him being loved so poorly.
Husband thinks because I suggest he form a relationship with someone who is more in tune with his needs that I am pushing him away. That is not true I want him to discover a love out there that loves you for who you are and what you bring to the table.


Additionally, i would consider T's feelings if P agrees to proceed but starts treating you in a neglectful way and falls back into old habits (or worse, new bad habits.)
You're right and this is what I talk to him about. I feel like I have an actual intimate connection that I havent had in a long time. That doesnt always mean sex. Intimacy is very important to me as I was nonexistant before. I don't think husband understands that.

Janelle 04-16-2013 08:53 PM

Thanks Marvin,

Words of encouragement go further than you know!!

Marvin 04-16-2013 08:59 PM

Ok I don't know how to quote something from this ding dong phone but if your husband thinks you are pushing him away by suggesting he form a relationship that meets his needs then he sounds awfully closed minded. If he let you go once I wouldn't get too hung up if doesn't accept you as you are and in the context that you desire (poly I mean)


kdt26417 04-17-2013 02:17 AM

Hi Janelle,
Welcome to our forum.

It is not hard to understand that you miss P, and want to consider his offer to give it another try. I think it is fair for him to accept your relationship with T, especially if he has a new relationship of his own.

Besides that, I think P should have some kind of plan in mind for how things can be better this time around. I would recommend asking him about that and having him think about it and come up with something (if he hasn't already).

I am glad you and T have formed such a wonderful connection. I definitely think you should keep that, regardless of what happens with negotiations with P.

Hope this helps,
Kevin T.

Janelle 04-17-2013 10:24 PM

Hi Kevin, and thanks for the warm welcome...

T and I had a discussion about telling E how involved the relationship has gotten as we are planning to take a trip together sometime in the future. His response today is that she has some concerns as we are starting to share some things (the trip) that they have not shared.

(A lil background info)T and I speak very openly about E well about everything in general. We dont beleive in censorship everyone is honest and nothing is off topic because he makes me feel secure in my place in the relationship. T does not speak openly to E about me. Initially we were just seeing where this went, as time went along he and I discussed filling her in about the progress of the relationship.

I support the relationship with E and T but have no urge to hang out as a group.

Is it my responsibility (for lack of better word) to help her understand that I am not here to "move in" on T. Yet im here to supplement his needs and for him to fulfill mine which works wonderfully?

Is it solely T responsibility? Does anyone here have any insight to this dynamic? I support the relationship....
...my main goal is my hapiness together with T.
...her main goal should be her hapiness together with T
...his main goal should be both our hapiness (PS I told him his job was harder lol)

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