Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Is this weird, or am I just a pervert? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4484)

Magdlyn 12-18-2010 01:13 PM

Is this weird, or am I just a pervert?
 
If you read my blog about simultaneous NRE you can get more background about my gf's new bf. Short version, this bf, M, has a gf too, of 3 years. They are in a Domme/sub relationship. My gf is supposed to be sub to M.

Here's the part that I am struggling with. They've had 4 or 5 dates so far, and M's gf has been on every date! And they're allegedly not interested in a unicorn or a triad relationship, it's supposed to be my gf and M, not all 3 of them.

So, they hang out and M's and his Lady's apartment, go out to eat, this afternoon they're all going to Tron together. Whenever they are at the apartment, they all hang out in the living room together. My gf and her M have not had sex yet, but they kiss a little and cuddle a lot. The gf just never leaves them alone! And M never just takes my gf and swoops her off to the guest room for some private couple time.

The thing is, my gf is fine with this slow pace, and M's gf being there. She says partly because she has me for release, she's OK with the sexual tension and flirting and constant stroking M gives her to her hair and body. In fact, she's enjoying it.

However, it's kinda driving me crazy because I move much faster in relationships. Also this is only the 2nd man my gf has dated since we've been together, and I am on tenterhooks imagining my reaction to when gf and M finally do have sex. And I am just suspicious of M's gf's motives in never leaving them alone. If I were her, I might hang out for a while, but then go to the computer room or leave the house altogether, so gf and M can fool around on the couch, which might naturally lead to sex. I can see how M might feel self conscious to just take my gf off to the bedroom, it seems so obvious.

Thoughts?

Somegeezer 12-18-2010 01:41 PM

I think if she is happy with it, just leave her to it. If she begins feeling uncomfortable with M's GF being there, I'm sure she could bring it up to M in conversation and they can work it out. If she comes to you directly for some help and advice, then is your time to get your strong word in if you must. =P But everyone seems to be happy with the situation as it is apart from you. Do you talk to M's GF at all? Maybe lightly suggest that "wouldn't it be great for M and my GF to get some alone time, how about me and you go out for a meal that night and let them be together?"... Just my suggestion. =]

Magdlyn 12-18-2010 01:46 PM

Haha, yes, I've told my gf that, that I want to come over and force M's gf to go out to lunch or dinner with me just to give gf and M some alone time! I haven't really entered into a friendship relationship with M or his gf yet, tho. Only met both of them once for about 10 mins when I dropped gf at their place one time. I am feeling shy about asking her to do that with me tho, since she is the Domme of M.

Somegeezer 12-18-2010 01:54 PM

She may be the domme of M, but she isn't to you. The worst she can do is say no. =]

Magdlyn 12-18-2010 06:53 PM

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Going to date one poly partner, and the other partner won't leave the couple alone. She doesnt seem jealous, she's fine with them being affectionate, but she just won't go do her own thing and let them have some couple time!

Oh well, they're all out as a 3some right now. Maybe things will be different when they get home from the movie. Heck, even if she just went straight home so gf and M could go out to dinner alone for once!

OneUncagedBird 12-18-2010 08:08 PM

You are anxious...
 
I think you are anxious because you want your gf and M to get the sex part over with. No one is unhappy in this situation but you. You love and care for her but she has to be allowed to make her own choices and in all reality her own mistakes. If they do end up asking her to be in a 3 way relationship she can make that decision on her own, yes? She just needs to be let alone about it. If you push her too hard she will react against what you are saying and any fears or discomfort that she feels herself will be buried because she is managing your intense feelings. It is obvious you love and respect her, now you just need to give her space to figure this out herself. I am sure she is smart enough to do that herself.

Erin 12-18-2010 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 56178)
They've had 4 or 5 dates so far, and M's gf has been on every date! And they're allegedly not interested in a unicorn or a triad relationship, it's supposed to be my gf and M, not all 3 of them. The thing is, my gf is fine with this slow pace, and M's gf being there. In fact, she's enjoying it. However, it's kinda driving me crazy because I move much faster in relationships.

I don't mean any disrespect at all when I say this, but it sounds as if you are trying to map out her relationship with him. If she is okay with the other woman around, then that should be left for her to decide. Perhaps he is exploring the idea of unicorn/triad. I suppose if your gf was in a harmful situation, then you'd have every right to try to intervene or have the authority to provide your input. But so far their relationship seems harmless and flirtacious. Perhaps she is exploring the options of the other woman in the picture. It is hard to determine what is really said during their times together. When they do decide to have sex, it'll be for the right reasons and at the right moment. Until then, you have to trust the process. It is, afterall, about her, not you. And I don't mean to sound rude when I say that. :)

Somegeezer 12-18-2010 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erin (Post 56243)
I don't mean any disrespect at all when I say this, but it sounds as if you are trying to map out her relationship with him. If she is okay with the other woman around, then that should be left for her to decide. Perhaps he is exploring the idea of unicorn/triad. I suppose if your gf was in a harmful situation, then you'd have every right to try to intervene or have the authority to provide your input. But so far their relationship seems harmless and flirtacious. Perhaps she is exploring the options of the other woman in the picture. It is hard to determine what is really said during their times together. When they do decide to have sex, it'll be for the right reasons and at the right moment. Until then, you have to trust the process. It is, afterall, about her, not you. And I don't mean to sound rude when I say that. :)

I don't think it sounded rude at all Erin. I agree. It is her who decides whether or not she wants this other woman there. It's good to let people out to do their own thing and just leave them to it. Like I said, if she comes to you asking for help, then you should feel free to give your advice and opinion on the situation. But it seems she is happy and having a good time right now. Let it be. =]

ray 12-18-2010 10:27 PM

I think Magdlyn has a point though. There are moments where A decides to come along on something and not that I mind but I'd hoped to have alone time with O. She doesn't do it consciously to my knowledge but it seems almost like a courtesy thing because it is hard to ask for as the third party. I don't feel comfortable saying, no you need to leave your husband and me be so we can be alone. I think it's one of those things that the couple needs to figure out themselves what they want and what's ok. Then the third can come in and not feel like they have to pull teeth to get those 'courtesies.' But for sure, if she is truly happy with the pace, then that's great.

Magdlyn 12-18-2010 10:30 PM

OK, I appreciate the advice, and it's a confirmation of what I have been doing. I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this situation, where it was supposed to be a one-on-one relationship, but the SO never leaves them alone.

I know it's about my gf and her bf and their feelings, but obviously it's also about HIS gf (as she is always there, "chaperoning") and my feelings as well, since I am trying to understand this strange (to me) dynamic of their group dating, when she is not supposed to be a unicorn in the first place! And she has told M that when they do get intimate, she wants privacy for it.

I am also concerned because LC, the gf, is a charismatic semi-pro scene Domme, used to being in control... I feel like this is all over my head.

ETA, cross posted with you, Ray. Thanks for that perspective, it's what I was looking for.


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:20 PM.