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-   -   Feeling sad....disappointed...angry (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4482)

dragonflysky 12-18-2010 07:49 AM

Feeling sad....disappointed...angry
Met my poly guy online a little over a year ago. He is living with a partner. (He's hetero, she's bi, and I'm hetero, female) It was the first I'd ever heard of poly. At first I was "No way. Not for me. Fine for others." But then as I did a lot of reading and talking with our guy I became much more open and receptive to the idea. I told him at various times, however, that I wasn't interested in being a "secondary" partner, but in becoming part of a poly-family of sorts with a possible sister-wife, brother-husband combination. I was interested in shared decision making, etc. He said he never wanted me to be a secondary partner either, and he was the one who had raised the idea of a core poly-family with me in the first place. (With the idea that people could have relationships of various types outside of this core family.)

One of my concerns above and beyond the whole sharing of sexual partners, etc. was how one ever found the time for multiple partners. I raised the issue at the time with our guy specifically, noting that I'd found it hard when I had been married, raising children and working part-time out of the home to find enough time for myself, my partner, and my children, much less considering how to add additional partners into the mix. (Although I did have good friends I got together with once in a great while.) He didn't see it as a problem, feeling like there was enough love to go around and that it would all work out.

So, we eventually met in-person and hit it off well. I meet his partner and she and I hit it off well as friends. We lived 7 hours a part, however, which made things challenging. I made the decision...after talking with them...to move closer to them, and did so this past September. I did NOT move ONLY to live closer to them, but it was definitely a major factor in my decision to move. I had been wanting to move to a warmer climate with easier winters anyhow, and where they lived fit this criteria, too. I had to find a job in the new area first before I would move, which I was able to do.

I lived with our couple for one month while looking for an apartment in the town where I worked. (The town where I work is about 64 miles from where they live.) When I moved in with them it was with the understanding that it was a temporary living situation. I thought maybe I could find a place to rent in the area where they live and commute, but that drive was just too long for me to make on a daily basis.

I found a place in the town where I work and moved out. I must admit it was very hard at first because I was used to seeing our guy...my couple..on a daily basis. He and I had slept together every other night on the average. Our time together wasn't always exclusive to he and I. It often involved other family and friends which I was ok with. It was just nice to be around him and the family. (She has a 9 year old son from a prior marriage, so there's parenting responsibilities involved. She also was working and going to college up until early this month. He said things should settle down better after she graduated...which she did on Dec. 9th)

He reassured me that although we certainly wouldn't be able to see each other daily, that he thought we would be able to work something out where we could get together on one week night and that we also had weekends at their place or him at mine.

Now....he tells me last week that he doesn't have the time and energy to commit to any kind of scheduled or regular contact with me. I was asking for once a week, with me being willing to do the driving, and willing to be flexible enough to spend the time with other family members involved, too. (I'm single and have my children raised and out of the home, so I have greater flexibility.) He said he hadn't meant to ever mislead me and that he was sorry, but he underestimated the energy his new job would take and even though his partner has graduated she'll be starting a new job which is challenging and stressful...etc...etc...etc. He says his love for me hasn't changed. He'll see me "when he can".

I'm sick at heart and I'm hurting bad. Just needed to vent. Would appreciate a few words of caring and support if anyone has a few to spare. :(

Somegeezer 12-18-2010 10:38 AM

It's sad that you won't be able to see him as often as you can. Unfortunately, things like that happen sometimes. I'm not sure what you can really do, but to keep talking with him about it and trying to figure something out.

dragonflysky 12-18-2010 01:03 PM

Thanks SG. Yes, unfortunately, things like this do happen. As for continuing to talk about it, he told me he doesn't want any pressure from me about it and things are as they stand now.

Somegeezer 12-18-2010 01:35 PM

Hmmm. That sounds weird to me. =/ I mean, it's only my opinion here and have no facts to go by, but it sounds to me like he only wants to see you when it is convenient for him. It doesn't sound like a very good relationship. =/ The fact he doesn't want to talk about it makes me feel worse about it. After all, you moved miles from where you were to be closer to him [as one reason for your move at least]... If you can make an effort to be closer more often, why can he not do the same?

dragonflysky 12-18-2010 04:25 PM


Originally Posted by Somegeezer (Post 56180)
.......Hmmm. I mean, it's only my opinion here and have no facts to go by, but it sounds to me like he only wants to see you when it is convenient for him. It doesn't sound like a very good relationship. =/ .......

I used that expression with him in response to him at the time, e.g., "when it is convenient" in addition to "little or no effort" and he was insulted telling me it wasn't about effort or convenience. Said he was "run to the ground" and just "couldn't commit to any schedule, calendar, boxes", etc. Yet when I next go to their house he is busy putting up outdoor Christmas decorations. Now in my world in a relationship of declared love...poly or mono....outdoor Christmas decorations be dam#ed for the time being! There's always another year when things settle down for what I consider to be "extras" like that.

My couple then decides to write me a letter together to "better help me understand the poly lifestyle". To my knowledge there is no ONE poly-lifestyle, and I was living and working off the explanation he had given to me as to what they said they wanted in terms of a core poly-family with outside relationships. (Having said all along I didn't want to be in a poly-relationship with him as one of those "outside" or secondary relationships.) I think he just got in over his head and didn't like admitting that he wasn't currently up to living the reality of the poly lifestyle he had said he was interested in creating. He said "if he hurt me he was truly sorry because that was never his intent." IF???.....Get real! That's where some of the anger comes in. They appear to be blaming me in some ways for being upset due to my "lack of understanding about the poly lifestyle" and he questions the fact that I'm hurt by all this??!! I just wish he'd take some ownership about the whole thing in terms of admitting he screwed up. Maybe not intentionally, but never-the-less, screwed up in over-estimating his abilities when I originally raised concerns about adequate time and attention for everyone when it came to poly.

Somegeezer 12-18-2010 04:52 PM

Well it seems you're on the same track as me. My advice would be to let them be and just get out now... Find someone who appreciates you and can be bothered to give you the time you need. Tell them politely it's just not what you want and wish them luck in the future. Being nice is a great way to piss them off for what they did whilst still being the good guy throughout. ;]

OneUncagedBird 12-18-2010 08:02 PM

That sucks. It is so hard to make sacrifices for someone when you think the state of your relationship is one way and it ends up being something totally different. I feel for you because it sounds like he is being very selfish in all this. Not only is he willing and ready to let you make all the sacrifices, but he is willing to let you take all the heartache and responsibility if it doesn't work out the way he wanted. This also makes me think you care more for him than he does for you. I agree with SG, you need to let him go and find someone or several someones who actually treat you with consideration and respect. If you really want to get to him, act like it is no big deal and tell him you are letting him go. He may not come after you, but it will sting in the end. Sometimes people like to have those around them cling to them because it makes them feel good. I wouldn't put it past him if he allows you to make all those sacrifices and then expects you to just deal with his choices, not making it about choices you make together.

MonoVCPHG 12-18-2010 09:02 PM

Somegeezer, I'd say you are right one the money in how you read this situation and offered great advice my friend :)
Dragonflysky, you deserve more. Perhaps finding a more primary partner closer and maybe maintaining a seconadry relationship with this guy would work. Get things back on your terms.

Take care

Somegeezer 12-18-2010 10:11 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 56233)
Somegeezer, I'd say you are right one the money in how you read this situation and offered great advice my friend :)
Dragonflysky, you deserve more. Perhaps finding a more primary partner closer and maybe maintaining a seconadry relationship with this guy would work. Get things back on your terms.

Take care

Thank you. It's good to know my advice is not just mindless rambling. =P

redpepper 12-18-2010 10:20 PM

I don't think he is into you any more.. at least not enough to make the effort it takes to have a relationship of any substance. It seems to me that either you accept what he has to give or move on. It's sad, but some things come to and end. He seems to want to do a common poly thing and that is just to let it string a long until whenever... it seems until someone comes along that he obviously has time for and its obvious that he just didn't want to make time for you...

Not all of this has to be bad, you can still be friends of even intimate friends... it just sounds like you status in his life has lessoned...

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