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-   -   I know its just a garden variety affair, but... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4478)

unwitty 12-18-2010 01:45 AM

I know its just a garden variety affair, but...
 
Warning- long.

I am engaged to N and would consider us to have a happy, healthy relationship. We have been together for four years and are getting married in August.

I met T at work and felt a strong physical attraction. As we began to talk more I really developed some emotional bonds with T. We began to have an affair and are in the throes of NRE.

Honestly, I felt I was going crazy because the thought of loving and caring for two people at once was so crazy. I always just thought people looked for affairs when they were unhappy in thier relationships. I was very happy with N when I met T, but then began to doubt my relationship with N because how could I love two people at once?

N and I have discussed poly because we both have been intimate with other people and we have discussed opening our relationship sexually to others or if something happens, it being okay. We never discussed being emotionally attatched to others because both of us felt that you can't love more than one person at once. I am finding this to be untrue.

I know T wants me to be in his life no matter what. Even just as a friend if thats all I can do. I want to be more than friends with him. For so many reasons that I won't go into now (emotionally and logically) I don't think T and I would really work out if I left N to be with him.

I guess I am just discovering via an affiar that I am poly and monogamy is not for me. N knows that I would like to be open sexually and I know I will have to tell him one day that I am poly, but it terrfies me to lose him.

I am also struggling with the idea of accepting that I am poly. I feel that this is me, but its not the societal norm and I find it hard to go against the grain. I am also struggling because I know lieing is wrong and cheating is wrong, except I am so happy with T. I have some issues with self-harm and don't want to beat myself up so much about my actions and end up hurting myself. I know what I am doing is not poly because that requires you to be honest, which I am not doing. I am also having an amazing time and am very happy with both of them don't want the happy time to end just yet.

Help.

NeonKaos 12-18-2010 01:56 AM

Help with what? What kind of help? It sounds like you already know the difference between right and wrong, but are choosing to ignore it.

unwitty 12-18-2010 02:11 AM

Why can something that is wrong make me feel so happy?

I don't know how/when/if I should tell my fiance. I don't know how/when/if I could ever break it off with my lover.

Jade 12-18-2010 03:45 AM

Love, without honesty, fails.

Ariakas 12-18-2010 05:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwitty (Post 56139)
Why can something that is wrong make me feel so happy?

I don't know how/when/if I should tell my fiance. I don't know how/when/if I could ever break it off with my lover.

I think you can ask that of drugs, alcohol, every wrong decision has an almost immediate and happy payout.

DrunkenPorcupine 12-18-2010 11:15 AM

Quote:

I am also struggling with the idea of accepting that I am poly.
You're not poly. Poly is specifically "consentual non-monogamy". What you're describing is cheating.

Quote:

Why can something that is wrong make me feel so happy?
The short version? Because in everything you mentioned you ignored "How N feels". You mentioned fear of yourself going against societal norms, your feelings to T and N, et cetera.

But not how N would react. Not the pain you will cause him by cheating.

Therein lies your answer. It can feel good because you're not giving regard to how N will be crushed. You might be aware it will happen, but your sense of empathy towards it hasn't kicked in.

unwitty 12-18-2010 03:11 PM

I know what I am doing is not poly. But I feel that I would like to live the poly lifestyle. I just don`t know how to transition from cheating to poly.

Rarechild 12-18-2010 03:19 PM

Don't wait. Tell your fiance what is happening now. You will never get what you want by lying.

Every moment you wait, especially considering that your feelings for T are genuine, is another lie poised to come back and bite you in the ass. Face it.

There is nothing else to do if you love and respect yourself and the ones closest to you.

It's all going to be hard. Everything is hard. Give yourself a chance in hell and be honest.
-R

Rachelina 12-18-2010 04:29 PM

It is possible to transition from cheating to poly. My husband and I have done so (he was the one who cheated). I don't know how long you've been with T, but every single day that you continue lying to N is going to make it more painful to him when you finally do tell him. So tell him, and do whatever is necessary to rebuild trust and heal the relationship. Do whatever you can to make him feel loved. With us it's taken months of talking, and a lot of crying, but I feel like we are stronger than we were before. It will be difficult, but so are most things worth doing.

TheBlackSwede 12-18-2010 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rachelina (Post 56196)
It is possible to transition from cheating to poly. My husband and I have done so (he was the one who cheated). I don't know how long you've been with T, but every single day that you continue lying to N is going to make it more painful to him when you finally do tell him. So tell him, and do whatever is necessary to rebuild trust and heal the relationship. Do whatever you can to make him feel loved. With us it's taken months of talking, and a lot of crying, but I feel like we are stronger than we were before. It will be difficult, but so are most things worth doing.

100% agree. Brutal honesty is the way to go. Lies don't do anyone any favors.


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