Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Just not into husband's girlfriend (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44744)

counterclockwise 04-14-2013 03:07 PM

Just not into husband's girlfriend
I think the two of them would like me to be into her, but I'm just not.

I entered this arrangement honestly, thinking, given that they had a long-term friendship with romantic overtones, there was a solid chance we would have a great three person relationship. After getting over the initial insecurities (this is our first non-monogamous attempt) and a bit of grieving of expectations, I've eased into this. It makes me happy that he loves someone else, and I don't doubt his devotion to me and our family (14 years together, 9 married, two kids, great careers, stable and healthy home life). And after spending many nights laughing and generally enjoying each other's company, I came to the conclusion that I am just not attracted to her. She is physically beautiful and very sweet, but I don't find her interesting at all (which is a must for me, romantically, sexually).

I think my conclusion bums out my husband. He's disappointed. I think he had some sort of kumbaya fantasies about how this would work out. But I can't force feelings.

She is kind of part of our family now (no, the kids have no idea that she is anything other than an aunt of sorts), so there is no drawing of strict lines. But I quite simply don't want to have sex with the two of them. They are welcome to each other alone (I still struggle with this but not much) and obviously husband and I have no intention of changing our arrangement. I like hearing about what they do, but I don't want a three-way relationship where none exists (at least to me).

What can I do to make them comfortable? I'd ask "is this normal?" but that's a dumb question. I guess what I want to know is if any of you with more experience can tell me what to keep my eyes open for, how to be careful of their feelings while respecting my own wants.

Marvin 04-14-2013 03:26 PM

Greetings counterclockwise
I don't know what feelings that are worried about? It sounds to me like you have given them as much latitude to pursue their relationship as they need. Is it that you don't want to have a sexual relationship with them that bums your husband out? Your family sounds like it is built on a solid foundation and that each of you communicate well with each other.
If a sexual relationship (i must clarify that i dont assume that either of you desire a purely sexual relationship with another that does not involve deeper feelings and connection) with you and another is what you and you husband desire then why do you not pursue the person that meets your needs as well as his?

counterclockwise 04-14-2013 03:33 PM

I guess I mean that I'm going to have to let them know I'm not game for sex with the two of them. I've already told my husband. He was disappointed and kind of sad, but glad I was honest so we all know where we stand.

You bring up another good point - I am not interested in her emotionally either (nothing beyond being respectful and polite). Their relationship has been professional for many years and emotional for most of them, romantic once a couple of years ago when he and I were on very rough terrain, and now we've decided as three adults to allow them to indulge that emotional and physical connection openly.

I was invited into their relationship. I just don't feel connected to her, though I did give it a really good shot. I guess part of me is disappointed, too, that our first poly relationship attempt resulted in me not feeling connected - but I certainly don't blame the two of them. It's just not there.

Husband is worried that it will be awkward now. Maybe I just say that we can get together during weekend days for fun with our kids (they adore her) but sexual sessions will need to be confined to her house.

Marvin 04-14-2013 03:46 PM

It sounds to me like this "first attempt at a poly relationship " was fostered from an episode of your husband cheating on you a while back ..?? That's not exactly the best approach to starting on this path I so- no wonder you aren't exactly feeling any deepe connection. What do YOU want? Poly relationships are not strictly a guy and two women.. Ask yourself if he would be OK if the roles were reversed. Not to say that this arrangement won't work out- if you are both genuinely committed expanding your relationship and you desire/ need a connection in order to proceed then get out and find the person that is right for you.
She and your husband have thier relationship, you and your husband have yours, you and (someone?) have another relationship, maybe there is a another connection there that I don't see.
The point is that you have to decide what you want and need. Once you are comfortable with that and you and your husband have discussed this , then go and get it.
It really doesn't sound to me like you need to be worried at all about your husbands feelings or this other woman's - I sounds like they are quite comfortable as is.

counterclockwise 04-14-2013 04:21 PM

I suppose that is a shaky start. But it seems to be working. I'm new! I suppose I joined this forum so I can gauge where I am, where we are, what's solid and what's not.

At this point, I feel fine. I feel stable. I have no other person in my life right now but the door is open. I want to have a full and rich life. I want to have the freedom for both of us to have intimate relationships with other people, but only as they naturally come along. I'm not going people-shopping.

counterclockwise 04-14-2013 04:24 PM

To clarify: he didn't cheat on me. We filed for divorce in 2009. We got back together three months later and have been great ever since (that was a rough year - I'd just finished law school, bar exam, and my father died; I think I was a mess all around and my vice is anger). They dated while we were apart. I saw people during that time as well (none of whom I'm interested in now).

counterclockwise 04-14-2013 04:26 PM

But, again, you make a solid point: maybe I'm not "into" her because I don't trust her entirely. I'm not sure.

Marvin 04-14-2013 04:47 PM

Ah- I understand. Good for you that you were able to work things out. It sounds like you are a very stable individual and it sounds like your husband and yourself have communicated your feelings to each other
I should clarify that when I say to and get it I don't mean to insinuate that you should go people shopping - more that you should take care of you.
I'm happy for your relationship that you are each mature enough to proceed with your decisions to be open to new ideas - that's not particularly easy given society's norms.
The situation that you have now is perfectly acceptable as long as it is acceptable with you. If its not then it simply must change.
If there is a trust issue between you and her that is probably something that should be brought to the table- sooner rather than later. She sounds like friend of yours as well.

BoringGuy 04-14-2013 04:56 PM

You don't need a"good reason" to not be sexually attracted to someone. Just because you're bisexual doesn't mean you want to have sex with anyone who is available. Tell your husband "no" means "no" and for him to quit pressuring you. I'm assuming he's pressuring you because you said you told him you're not interested in fucking her, yet here you are on this forum asking strangers if it's ok for you to not want that. Sheesh. His dick needs to stfu because that's what's doing the thinking and talking for him.

counterclockwise 04-14-2013 05:17 PM

BoringGuy, you just made me spit my drink out. Hahahaa! Awesome and at least partly true.

I knew I joined this forum for a reason.

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:53 AM.