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lizzygirl2412 04-13-2013 04:34 PM

I went on this forum because my husband and I were interested in possibly finding "a third". I had no idea that I would run into judgemental people.
Yes I am a submissive and anyone who knows anything about being a submissive knows it does not make me a doormat or his "pet". nor does it make me stupid. We have the relationship we have because that is works for us. We are in hope of possibly finding another person that would be just as happy with us. Not someone to own or a new "pet"
someone with feeling and hopes and dreams and just like he and I do for each other we are in hope of supporting her in these things also. We dont want to just find someone to have a quick roll in the hay with. We would like to date her, be her friend and offer our love, friendship and support in any way we can.
Maybe my relationship isnt what anyone else would want but it works for us. I came to this forum for advice to make sure I was not "dragging" someone into my relationship with unrelaistic hopes.
Thought this was the one place we would not be judged!!
Take care!!

ImaginaryIllusion 04-13-2013 05:16 PM


I understand that you might be a little put off by the rather frank and pointed feedback you have recieved so far. However, you indicated that you were doing your research and looking for advice as you were unsure of what happens next...

It just so happens that what you and your husband are looking for is not at all uncommon. There are lots of people out there looking for a third, usually bi-woman to add to a pre-established couple. Hell, my wife and I were very much the same. What we found was that finding a single woman to meet those expectations was exceedingly difficult to find. (Not impossible...we know people where it's happened...but it's vary rare that it works out that way) And the more specific or unusual your arrangement is to begin with, it reduces the possibilities even further.

One thing about the forum here is that people here generally won't lie to you. They will give you the raw unvarnished truth as best they can...and sometimes that's a disappointment to the fantasies we may be holding about the future. Often that truth will be blunt and unforgiving of the fantasy.

As for the judgement you may be feeling...no one here knows you, or your situation as well as you do. They can only run on the information you provide. So if you're not providing all the info, they'll fill in the rest with assumptions. And if you carry on with your research, here or elsewhere, you'll find out where a lot of these assumptions are coming from. Google Unicorn Hunters anywhere and read some of the stories, and you'll see why. As I said, there are many couples seeking a third. And unfortunately, there are plenty of testimonials from the thirds who have tried out these arrangements and been burned by the experience.

It has nothing to do with your fantasies, or intentions...but there is a lot of cynicism about it in the community...and be it on this forum or elsewhere in the poly world, that is a challenge that you'll need to deal with if you carry on with the path you've chosen. My best advice is to take the time to understand the experiences of the people who have tried this... both the couples, and the thirds, both the good and the bad to get a better understanding of what things might work...and more importantly what landmines you can avoid...and do it before you bother prospecting for anyone, because walking into a situation without proper preparation decreases the chances of becoming one of the success stories.

kdt26417 04-13-2013 07:53 PM

Yes, "unicorn hunters" (as they're pejoratively named) have a bad reputation. Doesn't mean you're one of the "bad ones," just means you "inherited" the bum rap.

You'll find unicorn hunters spoken of with cynicism and/or skepticism on other sites too, but I think another part of it is, Polyamory.com is just such a huge site, so busy, and with so, so many members. You'll encounter some members who will tread gently, some who will not spare the whip, and everything in between. The advantage to this is that you get a wide range of perspectives. The disadvantage is that, well, sometimes you will feel like you are being deluged with judgmentalism. I can't say if it's worth it or not. I guess it is if you can tolerate the unpleasant long enough to get to the pleasant. I've been here about a year. I've had some good experiences here, and some that sucked. Ultimately I stay around because I want to stay connected with the largest poly forum I know of.

I'm sorry you had one of the sucky experiences. I encourage you to try to give the good folks here a chance, they'll come tentatively out of the woodwork when the coast is clear.

Just from reading your one post here, I see nothing wrong with your relationship set-up or what you're looking for. Just be patient, and learn as much as you can while waiting for the right person to come along.

lizzygirl2412 04-13-2013 08:13 PM

Im sorry, I probably should have put the persons post to my post. I was not slighted because my husband and I want a third, I was slighted because my husband "wants his cake and wants to eat it too" and Im okay with that. Also was offended by being refered to as being treated as my husbands, pet and told we should get a dog instead becasue I choose to submit to him as if me submitting is a bad thing....
People shouldnt knock what they dont know is all I was saying.
We will continue on our journey to see what we can learn and what is out there in store for us. Thank you for your positive comments...:)

ManofDiscovery 04-13-2013 08:21 PM

I'm with you OP.

I'm afraid this can be a very judgemental place and there are certain characters whose only point in life seems to be to demonstrate how smart they are and how stupid you are.

There are some great folks too, but I mainly communicate with them via PM. Actually that's about the only value I've got from the site.

lizzygirl2412 04-13-2013 08:22 PM


ManofDiscovery 04-13-2013 08:32 PM

Private message. If you click on a person's babe you'll see the option there.

lizzygirl2412 04-13-2013 08:36 PM

Thank you

hyperskeptic 04-13-2013 09:03 PM

There may be a few people here who are judgmental, in a harsh or arrogant sense of the term, but mostly the main contributors to this forum are just really, really honest, sometimes to the poin of bluntness.

There's also a great deal of awareness of ways in which the language we use to talk about relationships - current or hoped-for - can embody unhealthy, disrespectful, demeaning or even toxic attitudes toward people, whether the writer is aware of those attitudes or not.

It seems that, when some regulars in this site detect such hidden aspects of language, they are quick to point them out. The terms in which they do so - the bit about the dog, for example - may seem harsh, but are really meant to be instructive, in the way formal logic is instructive.

It's not aimed at you as a person - we don't know you - but at the language of what you posted.

Take it as a call to revisit your own posts. Could it really be that he language you used to describe a gf (current or hoped-for) be just as easily used to describe a dog? If not, then by all means point out the difference! Instruct us!

But if so, then maybe you could try to reframe your hopes and expectations, to express them in more adequate language. What do you really want other than, say, loyalty and companionship? What might you owe the other person other than shelter and food?

If you are challenged on this site - and I've had some real "tough love" from people here! - look at it in the most positive light: if you have a chance to think some of this through, here, subjecting your hopes and values a trial of words, you may be more successful in approaching relationships of all kinds in the future, or at least in avoiding some of the more easily avoidable mistakes.

FullofLove1052 04-13-2013 09:09 PM

Hello doll.

I hope you do not let that stop you from posting and/or feeling welcome. The beauty of a forum it is great for many things. The curse is that some people might some judgemental or highly opinionated. That is the drawback. You have many personalities mixing.

As someone who has been poly for many years, I guess my one piece of advice is that when you are exceedingly specific about what you want, you limit your options. You have to be mindful of how you phrase things. What do YOU have to offer this person? What does your husband have to offer this person? What kind of relationship are you seeking? You have to take into account that she has wants, needs feelings, dreams, wishes, hopes, etc. How you approach or phrase what you are seeking can determine a person's reaction.

Unicorn hunters or married couples who seek a third person to spice up their relationship are frowned upon. You are on the odd end of the poly spectrum with what you are searching. Know that there is nothing wrong with what you are looking for. It is one of those things where you should take heed and actually absorb what people who have experienced it actually have to say. Too often, that third person ends up getting the short end of the stick or a bum deal. They start feeling inferior because this marriage or long-standing relationship has been in place for 5, 10, 20 years. It poses the question of, "Should a person who has only been here for two months have as much say or as many rights as person who has been in the relationship/marriage for 20 years?"

It is nothing personal, so let it go and take it with a grain of salt. I skimmed through your thread, and the advice that was given by a member was that instead of seeking a person, you should get a pet. What I took away from that is that you should think about what you have to offer that person, and would they be getting a fair deal? You said that you and your husband both travel. That means that she would have to be accustomed to one or both of her loves being away at a time. Would this person be able to have other loves outside of you and your husband? Would this person be with him while you are away and vice versa? How would it work upon your return or his return? How would timing issues be worked out. You have to consider time constraints as well. I am sure the poster did not mean anything negative. I took it to mean that you have to think about those things before bringing a person who has feelings and needs of her own into it. That is all that I took from it.

There are some good people on here, so I do hope that one response that you did not particularly favour or care for will not stop you from seeking further advice. Most people on here are very honest and blunt. They do not tell you what you want to hear. They tell it like it is and what you need to hear but probably never wanted to hear. I appreciate the tough love from time to time. Sometimes I need that. Either way it goes, I sincerely wish you well. :)



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