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-   -   of my insecurity (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44630)

KayFin 04-12-2013 07:01 PM

of my insecurity
 
Hi,

I would love to start my first real post with something else than a rant of my own insecurity.... but this is recently been on top an troubling me quite a lot.

Background:

I am in a poly-relationship with a bi-woman who has a bf, been together for 1.5 yrs now and going to marry next summer. The three of us live together and as far as I know there is no trouble in this setup.

Troubling part:

I have a dear friend of mine with whom we are very competetive. She and I need to top each other in just about everything, she is just a tad smarter than I am (jury is out on that though) a lot more successful than I am, I am a tad younger and bit more beautiful (well I like to think so) and more artistic...

My partner is quite attracted to my friend and has opened discussion of her intrest on my friend, who is interested in my partner...

So my trouble is this: I do not believe that limiting my partner would do any good, those two people are attracted to each other and I believe I should not stand in their way... and here comes the BUT,

But I am not as secure as I may seem, my partner knows about the competetiveness of me and my friend and still wants to pursue... It all boils down to my insecurity, how to learn to handle jealousy and insecurity when there is close party as the third party?

well might be a bit more of a rant than a real question, but if it wakens any thoughts I would love to hear them

Kay

NutBusterX 04-12-2013 08:22 PM

triple threat
 
Hi KayFin,
I'm at a loss for advice to give on your situation. I'll definitely be following this thread, though. I had never considered the compounded inner trouble potentially brought on by the stack of insecurity+jealousy+competitive nature with a friend to whom your love is showing interest. :eek:

One thing I know as fact is that our journeys tend to make us bigger and better people in the long term. The sum of poly existence for me is "Big feelings, Big bruises, Bigger rewards." That being said, the torture of being in the blood and guts of the sometimes trying present isn't easily soothed by promises of a happy future.

Big hugs for you though. I'm sure someone has some good advice and they'll no doubt be along shortly.

Best of everything to all of you,
Jim

Nox 04-12-2013 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NutBusterX (Post 196447)
Hi KayFin,
I had never considered the compounded inner trouble potentially brought on by the stack of insecurity+jealousy+competitive nature with a friend to whom your love is showing interest. :eek:

I have no advice. I do know how real it is though. I refused to introduce my best friend to my girlfriend for 6 months because I knew he'd steal her. He didn't steal her, but he did date her very shortly after we broke up.

I was..... not happy.

KayFin 04-12-2013 09:00 PM

Thank you,

My friend is not one to steal a partner but thing I fear is that if we end up having relationship with the same person it might bring out our competetiveness in a very disrupting way.

Worst case scenario: breaking romantic relations and a long friendship

as things are now, I will wait and see how things unfold doing nothing to push it forward or to stop it....

nancyfore 04-12-2013 10:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KayFin (Post 196454)
Thank you,

My friend is not one to steal a partner but thing I fear is that if we end up having relationship with the same person it might bring out our competetiveness in a very disrupting way.

Worst case scenario: breaking romantic relations and a long friendship

as things are now, I will wait and see how things unfold doing nothing to push it forward or to stop it....

The only thing you can control is what you do. If you know that your personality issue is being to competitive with this friend, then stop doing so. Find your own hobby, find your own inner peace, learn to be happy with you and what you do and stop your behavior.

I had a jealous issue with hubby's (nutbuster (jim)) most recent ex. I totally believed she was better than me, skinnier than me, prettier than me, and I knew it was MY issue.. Talking with him helped ALOT.. It really did, but our talk only came after a complete melt down of mine and my feelings of insecurity, jealousy, etc.. I felt that if pushed I could not compete with her, and frankly I tend to shut off/down emotions fairly easy so I would not have competed with her, I would have and eventually did cut off any feelings at all I felt for her and let the entire situation go out of my head.

So this will take alot of personal work for you, but you can do it..

Hugs..

Nancy

NutBusterX 04-12-2013 10:57 PM

Whether it be your partner (she loves you) or your friend (she cares for your friendship) I would think each of them would be thankful to know your thoughts as they change, intensify, your feelings get yucky, etc.

I'd sit back, work to understand my feelings, and wait for the appropriate time to discuss them. I think its important to do so as things develop, though. That is a moire proactive approach than waiting until your heart feels like it's breaking.

:)

kdt26417 04-13-2013 03:12 AM

Sometime soon, I think I would have a three-person talk: you, your friend, and your partner. I would tell them I am worried about how the competitive element will play into this, but, that I'm willing to give it a try. Find out what thoughts they have if any.

It might be good to schedule a talk such as this once a week, or once a month. During each talk, discuss the status of competition in the friendship and if it is making things bad in the romance area, and what can be done to make that easier. Be honest in saying that you always felt somewhat inferior in your competitions with your friend.

Keep tabs in your own mind of how it's going. What is your emotional state? Is the situation making you a nervous wreck? If so, you may have to step away from it. Unless your partner would honor your wishes to cut ties with the friend, and I'm not sure how you'll feel about that ethically if you can do it.

Hopefully I'm making a mountain of a molehill, and this competition thing won't have any serious effects on your romance with your partner. I just know that I've had a friend, who, for a long time, I wanted his approval, and couldn't seem to get it. That kind of a friendship can be a sad, sad riddle to solve.

Hope this helps,
Kevin T.

AnnabelMore 04-13-2013 02:25 PM

I would just say to your partner -- "Of everyone you could get involved with this, she will be the hardest for me to handle. I know you're attracted to her, but it would mean so much to me if you didn't pursue it. I don't want to limit you, but I'm just seriously worried about what this will do to our relationship. That said, if you feel like you really have to give it a go, I'll do my best to be ok."

Derbylicious 04-13-2013 03:55 PM

What I'm wondering is what would you and your friend be trying to "win" from this relationship? You say that you are competitive with her but not exactly how you see this competition playing out. Would you be looking at ranking time (which can be doled out evenly) or looking at ranking emotions (which are extremely difficult to quantify)? Could you look at your relationship with your partner as separate from her relationship with your partner? Your partner is with you for a reason, as long as your partner still choose you it really shouldn't matter WHO else they are choosing.

KayFin 04-14-2013 02:07 PM

Well, I have controlled my own insecurity quite well this wknd, and actually I am just sitting back and letting things take their own course.... I feel that had I talked to my partner about my insecurity she would have pulled back just not to hurt me... And i really do not want to limit her.

So today she went to my friends place to talk with her and as much as I try I really can not honestly say I want the outcome to be that they get involved together. *I do realize it is about my limitations as a person* But on the other hand I do know that if something starts I will be cool with it and it will be ok in time.

I am bit anxious today but making myself busy is good way to deal with that.

Thank you all for the respods this far, I really appreciate the input I have gotten from you all

Kay


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