No wonder I can't stay committed!
I am so excited to be opened up to a world of people who understand what I am going through. I am writing to share and make connections and see if anyone else has experienced a similar path...
I grew up Christian and have had many monogamous relationships... Serial monogamy pretty much. As soon as my eyes wandered I would jump ship and follow my new love. Sometimes the two overlapped but it never occurred to me to suggest to my partner that we have an open relationship. I always assumed it would be completely unacceptable.
Since leaving Christianity I found one partner who offered me a good relationship, but I still cheated. We had a child and stated together for our child. Rocky at best, traumatic mostly, it ended finally with an abortion :(. We parted ways and for three years now, my life has unfolded beautifully. My daughter is now 4, her dad and I share time half and half and I am free to love.
But only now am I starting to realize enough is enough. I can't commit to one person anymore when I know that's not my style. I would rather stay single.
I have remained single for 6 months now as I figure "me" out. The fact is that I just love life and don't want to be owned, nor do I feel anyone should be "mine". I think it's amazingly beautifully to open our hearts and connect.
I have had my own jealousy battles in the past. I am Scorpio sun, Virgo moon and Cancer rising... All emotion, all creative, all LOVE. The jealousy I recognize now realizing that it came from the insecurity of knowing that I myself see the beauty in others and want to connect, knowing that there is not only one single person who can I will love the rest of my life. I look forward to sharing my love and always making new connections. It's not out of a sexual prowess either... I can have that if I want. Connecting deeply is what interests me more.
I continue to date but have learned to be honest and not commit. Now that the polyamory community had been opened up to me, I feel so peaceful. I now feel like I can be me without shame.
My daughter is loved and given all she needs. I am happy and not weighed down by someone's need to possess me. Now time to meet people who would like to share and be honest too!
My mentor told me I am here in this life to learn partnership because that's what I desire. I think having someone to share life's struggles and joys would be wonderful! For now I know that being alone is better than hurting more people by my choices.
I hope to start meeting more poly friends to help me along the journey!
Does this resonate with you?
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