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-   -   New to Poly and also writing a paper about communication (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4450)

letrace74 12-13-2010 12:48 AM

New to Poly and also writing a paper about communication
Hi I'm new to Polyamory,

I think I've always been polyamorous. In the past I have found monogamy confining and not true to my heart. Recently, a friend and I had a discussion and took our friendship a step further. This has also coincided with a new spiritual practice which has aided in my communication with him an now, our other love, her. I love him and her and they see others, at this time I'm open but haven't found anyone. As I grow in this relationship, I'm confronted and get to toss out my old ideas of mis/communication, thank goodness! Listening to my heart in such a new way is a freedom I never knew was possible. YAY! Anyhow, I am also a student, writing a paper on the benefits/ downsides of communication in relationships. Specifically, I am interested to hear others' experiences if they have found that communication in their poly life is better/ or not quality wise than those of past monogamous relationships..if there is even a comparison. I look forward to reading your thoughts on this.

Jodi 12-13-2010 04:31 AM

hi, there's another polyamory site, called coffee perculations or something likethat, but there's a section where there are articles to read. sorry i can't write more, sleepy.

DaylightStirring 12-13-2010 05:25 AM

Love you question, my husband and I are not practicing poly yet. But I've found a huge freedom of communication since we started discussing it. I'm not sure I could relate exactly where the positive communication specifically lies. But I feel an overwhelming sense that the opportunity to share our true feelings and desires (unedited for monogamy's sake) has really brought a new depth to our relationship. Desire for connection with multiple partners puts a huge (sometimes unacknowledged) strain on monogamy. Forcing each partner to constantly reassure the other that they are not leaving. While my husband and I operated under monogamy, things I may of said and felt had to contain constant reassurance that I'm not leaving. For example,

Husband: I got offered a job in Florida...but I love you, so we should talk about it together...I'm not leaving you

verses poly may sound more like this

Wife: My old coworker took me out to lunch today and offered me a job with his new company. Husband: That's so great, this is what we've been looking for.

Those are just my thoughts :)

redpepper 12-13-2010 07:15 AM

I suggest you do a search in the tags for "communication" on here and see what you find... there is also a sticky called "communication workshop" that might helps. Have a look around as there is lots to read on all of it I think.

letrace74 12-13-2010 07:33 AM

Thank you Daylightstirring, I really could hear your joy in that reply. Nice perspective. And Redpepper, I will check out the "Sticky". Thanks again.:)

GroundedSpirit 12-15-2010 03:35 PM

Hi Letrace,

Well, here are a couple ways that I feel trying to navigate a poly lifestyle improves our general communication skills in relationships in general.
Poly kind of forces us to get some open discussion out on the table about two very sensitive subjects. These are subjects we often avoid to some degree - at least to dig in deeply & honestly. There are carefully constructed masks & images we learn to present to people to cast ourselves in the best light. We learn to tell them what we feel they want to hear/see. But that leaves important parts of ourselves hidden and some of those parts are critical to maintain healthy relationships with others.

The subjects are of course sex & love. Two very tricky subjects for most. They are words we use all the time but don't often take time to really understand & define.

Poly forces that to change ! If it doesn't, the house comes tumbling down on your head pretty fast.

As it does change you discover that the skills you learn about open, honest communication have a wealth of other applications ! In a nutshell, your communication style and approach will never be the same.


cheyennenovo 12-15-2010 06:58 PM

Polyamory doesn't require advanced communication skills any more than monogamous marriage does. BUT if you choose to develop them, either approach to loving will be enhanced.

I personally believe that a monogamous marriage can survive longer without solid communication skills than a poly marriage. But in either case:

poor communication = doomed loving

Your mileage may vary.


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