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-   -   Finally, like minded people in the world! Hi all! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44485)

StumpedPoly 04-10-2013 06:26 PM

Finally, like minded people in the world! Hi all!
Hello All,

My name is Donna and my husband (primary) is Jeff. I have always had the belief that we can love more than one person without that love overshadowing the love of another. The more I realized that there were others out there like myself and there was a word to descripe relationships that believe what I described, I decided to open up with my husband and tell him what I had learned about polyamory and would like to give the lifestyle a try. So, we are new to this, but have spent much time discussing it and reading about others like ourselves.
I have always been a cheater. Sadly, for many years I felt more like JUST a wife and a mother than an intimate partner to my husband. The things I could tell other men, I didnít have the guts to share with Jeff, it embarrassed me. I donít know why, thatís just how it became. I think a lot of it had to do with not being comfortable with my sexuality and in my skin. Needless to say, meeting other men, building relationships and friendships with other men helped me learn how to be more comfortable with my sexuality, and learning to love myself for me helped me learn how to be comfortable in my skin. About 6 months ago, our marital problems came to a head. I had felt like I had fallen out of love with Jeff long ago, he had enough of me sneaking around with my friend, and we had become roommates. (OMG we were lucky if we were being intimate once every 6 months. It was bad! We could go days without speaking to one another and rarely more than a sentence or 2. He had been talking to a girl, . He showed me the emails and messages and hers as well. He had been talking to her for a year in a friendship tone. She was 43 and never been married, never had kids and lived alone, YIKES! Needless to say, she thought there was a whole lot more going on than there was. The man has got radar for crazy women, me included. The one I speak of though honestly thought she and Jeff were in love and he was going to leave me to start a relationship with her. He was floored, and had no idea that she had been thinking like this lol He didnít realize there was a problem until she mentioned that, I sure was on Facebook a lot! Uhhhh this is about the time I got a tad angry. Who was she to be looking at my Facebook and making judgments? I finally sat down and wrote her a very polite and kind note thanking her for her friendship to my husband and letting her know that he and I had made the decision to be in an open marriage. She thought in her mind that the only reason her and Jeff could not be together romantically was because of me and our marriage, to which I explained to her, Jeff was free to see whoever he wished. Wow!! She wanted it her way or no way at all, he had to give me up! Which is fine I can see how a woman would want that, but she blamed me that he wouldnít be with her. Needless to say she trashed a year long friendship they had been building because he chose to stay married to me. Anyway, during all of this is when we both decided that if there was another woman in his life friend or more that it would make me feel more comfortable if she could at least acknowledge the importance of my position in his life. They didnít have to have an intimate relationship with me, but I do find it important that we can at least acknowledge and respect one another.

The more we talked and opened up comfortably about our wants, needs, and desires, I finally opened up that I would like to have a girlfriend. A girlfriend that we could both share a relationship with individually and mutually, it was not necessary nor a demand that he had to choose women who might be interested in me. I am and was completely fine with the idea of him having a relationship with another woman that didnít involve me intimately. I absolutely love that you converse with us individually and as a group. I love that in some ways we are all sharing the same conversation and in other ways we are sharing individual conversations! I must tell you, just in case you have had any concerns or fears, you canít do anything wrong when it comes to talking to Jeff. So when it comes to the relationship you might share with Jeff whether it is friendly or more intimate, just be you and go with what feels right. , I encourage you to be flirty and romantic, and use any of your girly whiles that you choose. If could have it my way, I would prefer if there were a romantic relationship between the 2 of you that the 2 of you explored that part first, before involving me, but again , its completely about what makes you (the girl) feel the most comfortable. You have the reins here. We both just want to make you feel comfortable and special because you are special to us, regardless of our relationship blossoming intimately or just in a friendship tone.

I have never been intimate with a girl. Iíve always desired the opportunity to, but can be very picky or the women lol There is a part of me, now after meeting and talking to girls that makes me understand why men stutter or get fumbled up when trying to talk to a girl he likes. Jeff and I have talked on this topic many times and there are a few things we have agreed on completely. First, our dream is to find a girl that we can, above all, be friends with. Our desire to have a girl friend is not about gratification first. Second, she is not a play toy for us, she is much, much, more. We want her to feel as though she is our equal partner in and out of the bedroom. No discussion is off limits. Third, an intimate relationship with Jeff does not require her to be in an intimate relationship with me. Fourth, I am his wife that will never change. Fifth, you cannot be discarded by Jeff or myself in a relationship just because a jealous tendency might arise. Wee chooses who we wants to have a relationship with intimately and not intimately, not for one another. Our opinion matters of course, but it does not dictate. At this point in time, I am not sure I am able to have an intimate relationship with a woman in the bedroom without Jeff present. That is my choice at this time, not his, and certainly is not set in stone. As I said before, no discussion is off limits. Another thing we agree on and take seriously is the health and wellbeing of your family and ours. We will always be completely honest about any partners that we may have outside of a relationship that we may share with you at some point. I currently have one other partner, but he and I have not been intimate in 6 months. He is married and his only partner is his wife outside of me. Just as your familyís health and wellbeing is important to me, and my families, so is my friend and his familyís health and wellbeing. I am not currently looking for a male secondary, as one male primary and a male secondary are enough for me currently. Also I am not posting this as an advertisement. We are new to this and seem to live in area where the mere topic of polyarmory is taboo. We have had a difficult time meeting and talking to others who are likeminded in our area.
We would love to hear from others and possibly make new friends, learn new things, etc. I have a pic of myself on my profile and will add one of him and I together soon. We look forward to meeting and talking to all of you and sharing our journey and adventures as well :)

NutBusterX 04-10-2013 06:59 PM

Hi, Donna. Its nice to meet you. i am Jim.

StumpedPoly 04-10-2013 07:02 PM

Hi Jim,
Nice to meet you as well :)

kdt26417 04-11-2013 12:11 AM

Greetings to you Donna, and to Jeff too. I hope you will enjoy your time on our site. You can visit our Dating & Friendships subforum if you like, we have many interesting boards and threads, and you are welcome to post any thoughts or questions you have at any time.

As far as finding local poly people in your own area, I wonder if something will turn up if you google "Indiana polyamory." If not, I have other links I can suggest to you if you're interested.

Sounds like you and Jeff have been on quite a journey together, discovering more about yourselves and each other. I hope you will find Polyamory.com to be a comfy haven where you can learn more and share and help other people as well.

Glad to have you aboard.
Kevin T.

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