LDR Wife wants to open - reunited permanently in a month
I've been with my partner for two years. We have been married for just over two months. We have an active sex life when we're together (2-3) times a day, and I don't feel we have any major issues (we communicate a lot).
I live in country X, she lives in country Y. We met in X, lived in X for three months, and then spent a month apart when I returned to Y. She came and lived in Y with me for 10 months, and then we returned to X up until February of this year, when I returned to Y. We will be living permanently in X next month.
A few weeks ago my wife told me she had a crush on a co-worker. This had happened before. We discussed it, acknowledged it, and I thought it was done with. The next week she said it had grown, and she actively wanted to spend more time around him. We discussed this and agreed that she could hang out with him and cuddle. She said that was all she wanted; affection.
Last week I found a conversation between her and a friend and she outright admitted her feelings for him had developed to sexual in nature, and she wanted an open relationship. We had extensively talked about this before getting married and she said she would never be able to have one. We're both very jealous people, and I know it would tear her apart.
I was admittedly a little shaken, but I knew that we should just openly talk about it and get it out on the table. Going into the discussion I had the disposition that she just missed me and wanted the sexual attention of another male to fill the void that I had left behind. I know, it sounds conceited, but it's honestly how I felt. We talked about it and she said there's emotional and sexual attraction to this guy. I tried being flexible and open, and said that she could be sexually involved with him up until actually having sex.
I set guidelines: I wanted to know what they did (somewhat as an erotic thing, mainly because I was jealous), no sexual photos (which ties into something below), no sexting, and if she believed they were progressing to sex before I got there, we could discuss it then. She was happy about this, and admittedly so was I. I felt like I handled it really well.
The next day I kind of fell apart. The reality of it hit me, and I buckled. I went into a huge slump. I had a panic attack for close to 12 hours, called in sick to work, and just couldn't do anything. We have a mutual friend who is acting like a "middle-ground" (he's a poly), and he was offering us both great advice. I get there in a month, and then we're permanently together, and can start our life together.
The male is her manager. She needs her job to sponsor me so I can stay with her. If they were found out they would both be fired. I feel scared. I tried communicating tonight that I would rather she didn't sleep with him at all, and then when I get there if she still wants to we could work it out. She got upset though and said I was redacting my previous thing of discussing it, and I would just try to talk her out of it when she wanted to have sex with him.
I apologised, and realised I was being unfair. She offered me the same conditions (I could have sex with other women), but I don't want that, at all, and that's not to say she is wrong for wanting it, I just don't. I love her deeply, and I know she loves me deeply, because she trusts me enough to express her desire and need to explore her sexuality.
I feel very lost and confused. I don't know what to do. It's a month until I get there, but I feel like she is in a massive rush to get in his pants. She has felt distant from our relationship and I feel somewhat forgotten about lately. I try to make a massive effort to be involved with her life, and I regularly send her little gifts and flowers, but it's rare for her to even ask how my day has been. I know it's hard to paint a full picture with only one spectrum of paint, but I am trying.
I've met the guy before and that's why I feel even more hurt. He knows me. He knows how in love we are, and I feel like he's taking advantage of our situation (being apart). I don't know what to do. I feel depressed and somewhat demotivated. I'm anxious whenever she's not talking with me, because I hate the idea of her being with someone else while I am not there.
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