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-   -   Triad Relationship/Jealousy: She Can Do That Too? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4444)

Iseeclearly 12-12-2010 05:19 AM

Triad Relationship/Jealousy: She Can Do That Too?
My boyfriend and I live together, we have a uniquely deep relationship and we've talked about a triad relationship as well. I like the idea of sharing our home and support with another person we respect and love to the same degree, and there have been some very good prospects with women we would want to be friends with even if they weren't interested in a triad.

We have had one sexual experience with another woman, and I enjoyed all of it and even enjoyed watching him kiss her. But he didn't have genital sex with her, just me. Now he's mentioned that if we want an equal and fair relationship with someone we respect, they should have say in the relationship too; including whether they want to have sex with him or not. I understand, because if I was a third, it wouldn't be as fun if I was left out in that way, and in truth, my worry isn't that he will fall in love with them more than me.

My problem with the thought is that when I imagine watching him or touching him while he's in another girl, I experience the same feelings as when I walked in on my ex cheating on me.

So many feelings come up involving old self-esteem issues, traumatic experiences, and guilt/jealousy/resentment.
I'm not sure how to bring this up with him, because I understand that in all fairness and logicality it makes sense and is not some big trespass as far as what we've discussed and agreed on so far.
But how can I get over this feeling when the thought is so strongly connected to something that was very real to me, and feeling like it's happening all over again?

Again, nothing else about the triad relationship bothers me. Just the idea of some one else giving him the same kind of pleasure only I thought I could give. The biggest part of the ex-cheating moment and issues thereafter was that I struggled mostly with the idea that he did it because she was more mainstream beautiful than me, and could satisfy some secret desire he needed fulfilled that I couldn't possibly fill.

TheBlackSwede 12-12-2010 06:26 AM

I've always believed that we conquer our fears by confronting them. At some point you have to stop running from something and take it head-on; either it'll be too much for you to handle, or you'll own it. Hell, sometimes it's not even that clear-cut, and you're left with a mixed bag of emotions to sort out afterwards.

I think this is definitely something he should be kept in the loop on... hopefully he can provide the emotional support you'll need to rise above. :)

Good luck,

GroundedSpirit 12-12-2010 07:09 PM

Hi I see clearly,

Yea..........brains are strange organs :)
They're designed to function by making and retaining associations. It's a survival tool and a shortcut mechanism.
This is really, REALLY important to understand in general because if we don't our brains control us instead of the other way around.

Right now you have a stored association with him being sexual with another woman as a negative thing. That's the program (for now). Ok............
But your logical side is telling you that's bunk. It doesn't pass the logic acid test.

So what to do ? Think about it.............

We reprogram the defective association. We replace it with a positive one. This is kind of what I think Svart was trying to say but coming more from a biological perspective. It's just how brains work in all animals. We're big products of our experiences but lost sight of the fact that we ARE in control of those programs. Some are harder to reprogram than others but they all CAN be reprogrammed - if we want to put in the effort. In this case the effort should be minimal and the benefits substantial :) Tell him to PLEASE do her and rub his back (or something) while he's doing it. Feel the passion and absorb it yourself.
Old program erased.........zip :)


redpepper 12-13-2010 06:53 AM

I would find a moment to start talking about this and really get to the very real and vulnerable experience of it all for you. It will no doubt deepen your bond and I would think that he would want to help with this issue and let you know that he understands... give him the gift of being able to help out and be their for you... there is nothing more bonding.

Imagination 12-14-2010 04:55 PM

Recently, I had that experience. Expect deep feelings. Fear and joy (and to learn more about yourself) and feelings better can be very close together. That's what I feel know. I would do it again. As your partner supports you and loves you deeply, this will make it easier for you.

I guess, we haven't learned, or forgotten, to cope with such situations. It's an adventure, a challenge to share your love in that way and it is for the good of mankind and yourself.

Iseeclearly 12-17-2010 08:11 PM

Since that last post, we've found this girl who seemed perfect for us and really liked us both. I was able to get over the first hurdle of worrying that he would have sex with her, and it was a great experience when we did, but just last night, I became very uncomfortable because he "laid his seed" in her (while I was there, of course). I told him it was ok at first, and then admitted it REALLY made me uncomfortable. But he was so hurt, he felt like a pervert or some kind of bad guy like he pressured me or something.

I spent all day thinking about it, wrote down some very negative things about our triad that came from a negative place, and then I realized the problem is that I'm not as emotionally close to her as perhaps I should be. I felt unequal because I knew he and her were more comfortable with each other than I was with her. So, I'm going to try and get closer to her, so that the next time it comes up, I'm glad to share my love and lover with her. I already respect her and enjoy her company a lot, it's just the bonding that was missing, y'know?

One of you made me realize I'm very lucky to not have a pervy boyfriend who wants a threesome, but a sensitive man who supports me no matter what, in whatever kind of relationship. If it really came to it, he would ALWAYS chose me over anything. But because I love him and I love and respect her in a different way, I want them to both be happy, and to be happy with them. She really does like us both and she's a sweetheart. I think we could all grow substantially from this arrangement. I already know I have!

Thanks all, you really helped!

nycindie 12-17-2010 11:09 PM


Originally Posted by Iseeclearly (Post 56107)
I became very uncomfortable because he "laid his seed" in her (while I was there, of course).

Do you mean he came inside her without protection?

OneUncagedBird 12-18-2010 03:24 AM

I am happy for you. It is amazing what open communication and self examination can do. You can get through anything by having those 2 things. Good luck and congrats that you like her so much!:)

GroundedSpirit 12-18-2010 03:44 PM


Originally Posted by Iseeclearly (Post 56107)
............ I felt unequal because I knew he and her were more comfortable with each other than I was with her. So, I'm going to try and get closer to her, so that the next time it comes up, I'm glad to share my love and lover with her. I already respect her and enjoy her company a lot, it's just the bonding that was missing, y'know?

Hey ISC,

Pretty typical - don't make a thing of it. It's wise to try to eliminate ANY expectations because things rarely follow the little path we dream up in our mind. Then when they don't we're open to disappointment or disillusionment.

Remember, every day is new & different. However things went down with the 3 of you will go down differently next time. Just stay open to however that is and bask in it.

"Bonding" is a funny thing. You can't force it. It will come of it's own accord when the circumstances dictate. The key is just being ready & open but without expectation. If you are open in your heart it will come - probably when you least expect it. i.e. it may not be in bed :)

Happy holidays - enjoy.


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