I'm R - been married to M for a year but we've been together a little over 5 years. I've been lurking for a while and decided that I should make an intro. I've been using this forum as a major information hub as I explore this part of me that I simply do not understand.
In highschool, I was the girl who had only friends who were guys, and I was extremely emotionally attached to each one of them, as well as physically. We were all best friends and I loved each one of them dearly.
As I got older though, that part of me... that ability to really connect with certain male individuals really scared me. So after I got married (to a different person than I'm with now) I really distanced myself from every male I knew. I've completely shut men out of my life, because I was afraid of what my heart and my brain did whenever I had the opportunity to really get close to one.
Now, I'm currently in a really good relationship (amazing) and was put into a situation where a relationship has the opportunity to develop. I've struggled immensely with this and I'm still coming out of a hole of self-loathing for my feelings but my husband, M, is so supportive and has told me to embrace who I am. He even told me he had known this about me before I did. Now, I admit that I can't handle the thought of M being with anyone else, which he doesn't care because he's not even interested in going outside of our marriage. This is part of the reason I feel so overwhelmed with guilt, though.
I still carry a lot of guilt for how I am, and that's something I'm still focusing on. Which is part of the reason that I came here, to learn and see. So, hello.
I am Jim. You sound like the female version of me. That is both alarming and reassuring. :D
I'm new here on this site and always looking for friends and people to talk to. Guilt sucks. Freedom doesn't. A big part of true freedom is having a venue and a support system that can handle the truth.
I'm happy M is that for you. My wife is wonderful in that way too.
At any rate, it is nice to meet you.
I carry some guilt myself. For years I was letting my wife down somehow. Surely there was something more I could do to make her happier.
Eventually I accepted what she was telling me. She was getting plenty of attention from me and she didn't need anything else. I wasn't depriving her by giving my attention elsewhere.
It took a LONG time to sink in though. Well over a decade, and I'm still not 100% convinced!
Glad to have you with us.
Love your username; heh; if it had been "frubblywibbles" then I would have been confused! :)
That's awesome that M is such a healing support for you. It sounds like you have suffered from a lot of guilt in the past, and it is nice to find out that it is okay to be poly. Personally, I like the idea that people can have more than just one romantic partner!
I hope you will enjoy our site and really dig in and see what we have to offer. If you have any thoughts or questions you want to share, don't hesitate to post. I have gained a lot from being on this site so far, so I think you will like it too.
Don't be afraid of who you are; you are a worthy person and deserve all the happiness that life has to offer. I'm glad you could join us here.
Thank you everyone. :)
Tonight we had a conversation about that guilt. I'm very open and honest with him, 100% of the time, but he was looking through my phone (consensually) this morning and I actually lied to him about something. I felt so bad all day that I confessed and he admitted he knew it, but he figured he'd talk to me about it later.
In my previous relationship, even having a friend who was a male was a big 'no-no' ... so, I immediately go back to the shame I feel over this blossoming relationship (with M#2 - yes, they even have the same name!). It's almost overwhelming, so much that I felt compelled to hide it... because I've either hidden my feelings or stuffed them, forever.
Jim, how do you deal with it? If you're much like me, how do you balance out those feelings? This whole thought process scares me. I spoke to M#2 on the phone tonight and I feel like I've done something wrong, even though I haven't. It's such a surreal feeling to me.
I look forward to being here. Thanks again. :)
I just read your post from last night, and can completely relate..
I have been told for years and years that being bi was a sin and I was going to hell (ex hubby) and I can't even begin to tell you what bringing up poly was like..lol So I have the compulsion to be very private (secretive). I know it drive hubby (nutbusterx (Jim)) crazy but its almost something that is not under my control (at this moment). I hope to be able to over come that.. Being a Scorpio I understand that part of this is a natural want to keep things private but I want to get to a place that I don't have the first instinct to hide or not speak out about wants, needs, experiences, friends, etc...
I have lied in the past. I have concealed things. I have cheated. I have done these things to people I loved very much. I also did these things to myself, by trying in vain to be something different. I spent years feeling like a horrible person for wanting more. The alternative was feeling unhappy by denying myself more. I thought foolishly those were my only two options and i felt hopeless.
The most honest thing I have ever said or thought is that I am wired to love more than one person at a time. In fact, I often wonder what the absolute finite number of people I can love at once actually is. It's not a goal, but I do wonder.
Start with being honest to yourself. Deadly honest. You know what you like, need, and want. If you don't know, its time for some concentrated sorting out.
Next, be honest with your partners. It is up to them to either honor or object to your wants, needs, and likes. Expect some discussion and don't be shocked when things get heavy. Commit to the process and understand that everyone's feelings and thoughts might change as you go.
I think journaling is a good idea. It seems a decent vehicle to understand and confirm how you really feel and its also interesting to look back and realize how much you've grown. If honesty is the first rule of poly, i think some would agree that growth ability is a very close second.
Also, you might believe right now that M1 and M2 are the entirety of your tangle for now and forever. I started out thinking i had all the rules and expectations and the people involved almost figured out and whoa was i way off. :D
Old guilt from an old relationship or from old beliefs are in the past. You need to leave them there. You have a new relationship (or two) with new beliefs and new values. Its time to step up and adjust your outlook and be open to new possibilities. They are out there for us.
I hope this helps :)
It takes a long time to condition someone. You've been conditioned to feel ashamed (and secretive) about your poly-ish relationships (such as the one with M2). Conditioning like that isn't undone overnight, so have some patience with yourself as you try to undo some of the old secretive habits and open up to M1 a little more. You have to learn to trust people to accept you for who you are. You haven't been able to trust that in the past (with your previous husband), and trust is only built up little by little. So know that even though things feel very odd now, they will gradually get easier.
Journaling is a great idea. We even have a Life stories and blogs board on this site if that would help.
Just know that we're pulling for you here, and M is pulling for you at home.
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