||04-09-2013 02:09 PM
Poly flip...marriage in trouble!
The last 6 months of my life have been paradigm shattering. The transition, in it's entirety, is the amalgamation of a variety of intense life happenings that is beyond the scope of this thread. I have posted before regarding my situation...but something happened to my account and all my posts were wiped. So apologies that i do not have the energy to completely reiterate my story...but instead i will try express an even more succinct summary.
I am a 34 yr old poly male, married 5 years, with 2 children. My wife went along with a poly marriage until recently when i expressed my love for my girlfriend...now my wife is undecided, leaning toward the mono side. My girlfriend is open and incredibly patient.
Things are a little complicated for us because we are going through difficult times financially and my wife is suffering from depression (and apparently has been for the last 7 years...of which i have only just found out about). I recently complied with a request from my wife to put my relationship on hold with my gf to seek marriage counselling. After a short time, my wife told me that it had been wrong of her to ask that of me, and that i could do whatever i needed to do. My wife is living away from me at this time, which is more a product of trying to get a house ready to sell and to provide a bit of space from each other to aid the healing process. I have begun to see my gf again...and although she was a little rocked by the game playing that seemed to be going on...has moved forward and is actively nurturing our relationship once again. My wife has pretty much shut me out completely...and regardless of both mine and my gf attempts to try and connect with her to establish boundaries...she just says that she can't do it at this time. When i try to broach the subject with my wife she essentially says that it's too painful to talk about because she is too focused on healing her own depression at this time. When she speaks to other people...apparently the story is that her depression is because of my poly. The consolation is that we have managed to ensure that the kids are happy and looked after throughout this whole process...but our marriage is looking and feeling very shaky for me.
The best way to share with you exactly WHY it is feeling shaky...is best summarised in the below post from GalaGirl...who has offered many great insights on this forum (thank you!):
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
ON MONO-POLY RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBILITY Pt 3: Bad Reaction of the Mono Partner Alienating Ethical Poly Person Sharing Vulnerablehttp://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...10&postcount=8
I always wonder what sort of foundation the relationship/marriage has if just talk can blow it apart. And what the poly person is supposed to do. Pretend they don't have polywiring? Where do they go to express it? Are they happy knowing they are married to a mono partner who is supposed to love them who actually... only loves some of them -- the parts that are "acceptable" only? Is the mono partner happy knowing about this side of their poly person now? And knowing deep down that they wish they never knew it because they rather NOT love the whole person and now have to live knowing this darker side of themselves?
So this describes what i am going through. I guess it's extra confusing considering that originally, my wife was actually poly...and consented to me pursuing a relationship with my gf...and suddenly she flipped and changed her mind. Now she says she's not poly and she doesn't approve of my gf...even though my gf has been nothing but kind and caring toward my wife. I love my gf...she brings so much to my life. My wife is my wife, and the mother of my children, i will always love her and i am committed to working things out with her. But when my wife displays no attempt of wanting to work things out (unless they are practical things like scheduling, etc), tells me that she loves me but treats me coldly, and displays an overall sense of selfishness...i am no longer feeling loved by her.
Is this a case of my wife simply going through the throes of learning that she is not actually poly...and she is just trying to deal with jealousy? Or is something deeper going on here? When is enough enough?