Polyamory.com Forum

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-   -   Couple seeking single bi girl- Silicon Valley (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=444)

We2andYou 06-30-2009 07:34 PM

Couple seeking single bi girl- Silicon Valley

We are a committed couple who have been looking for a woman to join us. We are not looking for the casual "one night fling" so much as a friend with benefits who might grow to be a greater part of our lives. She is 38, white (very), 5'1", 150lbs., funny, caring, and sweet. He is 39, Italian, 5'4", 130lbs., kind, smart, and passionate. We both like movies, are avid readers, enjoy UFC, playing pool, seeing friends and family, and hanging out. We are safe, sane, low-to-no-drama, not out every night and are not looking for a woman who is or who wants to be.

If you are interested, please drop us a picture and a line and we'll reciprocate. Let's see what happens from there!

NeonKaos 06-30-2009 08:56 PM

Green alligators and long-neck geese?

Going once, twice... Anyone? Bueller?


AutumnalTone 06-30-2009 09:49 PM

Some humpty-backed camels and some chimpanzees.

Bats and rats and elephants as sure as you're born...

You ain't never gonna see no unicorn!

Have fun hunting!

We2andYou 06-30-2009 11:45 PM

Did we hold the map upside down?
The above was the very first post we ever placed on this board... and the response we received from a member and a moderator was... less than welcoming. Are we being laughed at or mocked when we're just being honest? Is this how 'noobs' here are treated?

Is what we're asking for really unachievable (here, anyway)? Honest replies are welcome.


AutumnalTone 07-01-2009 01:15 AM

Nah, we're not mocking you. We just find it amusing that so many people decide they want to try on poly for size and immediately think there are lots of hot, bi babes just waiting to take up with a couple. It happens so very often, which can be seen by the way in which it is referred--hunting unicorns.

Seriously, have you considered thoroughly exactly what you're wanting? A bi woman to get involved with the two of you--obstensibly strongly tied to each of you equally--and that she not be involved with anybody else?

First, to expect somebody to connect with two different people equally is unrealistic. Heck, to expect somebody to connect with two different people at the same time _at all_ is unrealistic; any given woman is unlikely to find each of you a strong match.

The two of you are unlikely to find any woman strongly appealing to both of you; likely one of you won't be as attracted as the other. Have you considered how unlikely it is to find somebody who finds both of you strongly appealing and both of you, in turn, find her strongly appealing? (Moving beyond initial attraction, of course, and considering long-term compatibility.)

Then, to expect that a poly woman not be attached to anybody else stretches things further. If she's poly, it means she's into multiple relationships. Yes, there are poly triads to be found in many places (though many more vees when it comes to tangles of three). Most of those also involve outside connections, too--most aren't closed relationships. Of those that are closed triads, most of those appear to have developed organically out of previous open tangles.

So, we never chide people about unicorn hunting out of malice. We're making light of a common show of naivete among those coming newly into the poly world. It's a healthier response for us when compared to ripping out hair out over yet another such appearance. (My hair is thinning without that.)

Further, we don't discourage such a hunt, either. If you can find exactly what you're wanting, we're happy for you! That means you've beaten the odds.

I'll also add that you're more likely to find a unicorn among women who aren't currently poly. Poly-curious mono women are more likely to find the idea of a small, closed group to be a safe way to experiment with poly. I suspect you already know somebody who's both bi-curious and poly-curious, though you're probably not aware of her possessing those traits.

So, welcome to the boards. I don't get to read as much as I'd like due to having to scan for spam posts much of the time I have available, so I've not been able to welcome everybody to the boards as I'd like.

We2andYou 07-01-2009 02:14 AM

Well, gee, Mr. Crow, we aren't stupid, and you were indeed mocking us. The condescension dripping from the first paragraphs of your followup post would confirm as much for most folks who are, well, conscious.

We'd like to preface our fourth (and final) post on this board with one word that we'll save you the trouble of looking up: Polyfidelity, in which three or more people commit to having a closed relationship with each other and not getting involved with anyone outside the group. The term can be found in poly literature, both online and off, going back thirty years. You might wish to look into it. We have, and for quite some time.

We didn't just "decide" we wanted to "try on poly for size", nor did we "immediately think that there are lots of hot, bi babes just waiting to take up with a couple". You presume (and pronounce with great authority) a great deal that is not so.

And yes, we have "seriously considered thoroughly exactly what we're wanting". This isn't our first rodeo.

Most of the rest of your lecture on what is and is not "realistic" is your opinion, and of course, you are entitled to it. But as you (should) well know, polyamory refers to romantic love with more than one person, honestly, ethically, and with the full knowledge and consent of all concerned, and that's exactly what we're looking for. You are simply mistaken when you state that "if she's poly, she's into multiple relationships", unless you mean exactly the kind of triad we're looking for (or more).

The futility of finding the "unicorn" isn't what drove us away from this site today - we knew that part already. It was the conduct of and misinformation spread by a moderator. You mocked us, then talked down to us as though we were stupid and naive and just bumble-stumbled upon your site like ignorant babes.

While we appreciate the intent of your reply, we reject its content.

Everyone else, take care and good luck with whatever you're searching for.


NeonKaos 07-01-2009 12:43 PM

My amusement with this derives from the fact that I see scads of couples looking for the proverbial HBB, but I never see a HBB looking to become involved with a couple.

I concede that the Ferris Bueller remark was not called for.

AutumnalTone 07-01-2009 03:03 PM

If you've been poly a good long while, then you know all about unicorn hunting and you understand the jokes--where they come from and how they're good-natured fun. You would also understand that what you posted reeked of unicorn hunting by folks new to poly.

I suspect, based on your choice to take offense at both the humor and the actual support offered thus far, that you've not as much experience as you say, though I could be wrong. I'm sorry that I caused you such distress in the first place because we do want this to be a welcoming place. It is also supposed to be a happy place, so you'll have to forgive us if we try to include people right away in the humorous aspects of poly life.

Indeed, I suspect it much preferable to crack jokes about unicorn hunting as a way to educate new folk than to simply look at them and say "That's unrealistic." The message is the same, while the manner of delivery is light-hearted the one way and not the other.

I realize some folks won't appreciate the humor, and that's OK. To them we can only explain where it comes from and offer our support in their hunt--which is what I've done in this thread. It is certainly your prerogative to take offense at the humor and sniff at the explanation and otherwise snub the attempts to include you; this may not be a good community for you. I'd rather you stick around.

I have to go scan for spam now. Later.

Scorpio 07-01-2009 04:38 PM

We2andYou: Your thread was sincere and honest. Unfortunately I'm not bi, but I hope you find what you're looking for. :)

Don't be discouraged, keep on looking!

nethergirl 07-05-2009 03:21 PM

Also let us not forget what happens to the 'third' the hbb who is brought into the relationship and then kicked to the curb when one side of the couple becomes jealous or doesn't get along with the third. in many cases couples seeking polyfidelity with an outside woman always see themselves as the first and most important relationship - there is never a true equality amongst members in these cases. the outside woman is often a sextoy to their boredom.

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