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-   -   Trying to find my way in what I think is an unhealthy relationship. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4439)

Coco 12-11-2010 08:48 PM

Trying to find my way in what I think is an unhealthy relationship.
 
Dear Friends,

i have been in a master/slave relationship (as a slave) for about 6 months now. I fell in love with my master, "A". He is recently divorced, with two kids and really in a funky place. We also have/had an open relationship. In theory, A wanted me to be his primary partner, and I wanted the same with him. but he really couldn't handle much of anything in terms of commitment and, as time has gone on, he has really freaked out.

At one point, he would say 'i love you', we would see each other about twice a week, we hung out with each other's friends. It was wonderful. And I loved our very intense sexual relationship. I know he felt the same.

But he recently has been freaking out about his inability to really be in a relationship, and has backed away. We took a 'break' that has meant that he texts me about once a week. I saw him once last month, but we only had sex and he left. It breaks my heart. I want more. I have communicated this...and this is the critical fissure between us. He wants to keep me on the line, keep me around, perhaps for when he feels better, but he is basically absent from my life. But he won't even say that we have a "relationship." He is afraid of that word.

I wanted to arrange to meet with him to give him a Christmas present I bought for him months ago, so I texted. He responded, saying that, 'now that you are done with finals, i can make some time for you. how about lunch on Monday? Have you been a good slave?'

I responded that I can meet on Monday, and I am unsure as to my slave status.

I love him so much, I want to be his slave, it is very hard for me to resist his drawing me in like that, but I know that he is trying to continue the slave/master dynamic, while refusing to give anything on his side. I know he plans for us to meet for lunch, fuck, and then I'm supposed to leave and just be okay with everything.

As a natural slave, I am struggling with asserting my boundaries here. For a long time, he has been unable to give what I need to feel fully trusting and open in a slave/master dynamic, and yet, because I felt some of these things with him in the past, I find myself hanging on, hoping that he will change. He wants to keep me on the line like this, and it is so hard for me.

I have worked very hard during our 'break' to re-evaluate myself and think about how I can enforce my boundaries in this relationship. THe truth is, he seems to have no consideration for my boundaries.

I am seeking your advice in how to be strong when I have such a proclivity towards weakness, particularly with him.

Thanks for your advice,
Coco

Fidelia 12-11-2010 09:27 PM

Coco:

This man is being honest with you. He does not want or is not ready for a relationship.

You are exactly right that this is an unhealthy relationship. From what you write, the man is using you, nothing more.

For your own protection, drop him like a hot rock. Now.

Here's how to protect yourself. Text him a message along the lines of:

"Dear A-hole: I deserve better treatment than you give me, and I have decided to invest the time I used to spend with you into finding a partner who is worthy of me. If sometime in the future you decide you're grown up enough to want a real, grown-up relationship, drop me a postcard. There's an outside chance I might still be available. Until then, though, lose my number because I'm blocking your calls. Thanks, and c u L8r. Much, much L8r."

Once you've sent the text, block his calls. This may be all you need to do, because he clearly cares very little for you and has little or no respect for you or for himself. HOWEVER, it is possible that showing him the gate may wake him up, and he may decide suddenly that you are the most desirable creature on the planet. If this happens, DO NOT FALL FOR IT! If he calls you on another number, don't answer. If he shows up at your house, don't open the door. If he won't go away, call the cops.

I'm not kidding. From what you write, this guy has serious issues, and you're not strong enough to weather the storm. Get out now.

Breathesgirl 12-11-2010 11:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coco (Post 55551)
Dear Friends,

i have been in a master/slave relationship (as a slave) for about 6 months now. I fell in love with my master, "A". He is recently divorced, with two kids and really in a funky place. We also have/had an open relationship. In theory, A wanted me to be his primary partner, and I wanted the same with him. but he really couldn't handle much of anything in terms of commitment and, as time has gone on, he has really freaked out.

He is recently out of a long term relationship. He needs to give himself time to grieve & learn to live singly again. Let him have this space. He may not realize that that's what it is he needs, a LOT of people don't realize it.

Talk to him on Monday at lunch. Tell him your decision to move on with your life, that as much as you love him you love YOURSELF more so must honor your relationship with yourself and do what's best for you.

Quote:

I love him so much, I want to be his slave, it is very hard for me to resist his drawing me in like that, but I know that he is trying to continue the slave/master dynamic, while refusing to give anything on his side. I know he plans for us to meet for lunch, fuck, and then I'm supposed to leave and just be okay with everything.
Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that this kind of relationship does NOT work for you.

Quote:

As a natural slave, I am struggling with asserting my boundaries here. For a long time, he has been unable to give what I need to feel fully trusting and open in a slave/master dynamic, and yet, because I felt some of these things with him in the past, I find myself hanging on, hoping that he will change. He wants to keep me on the line like this, and it is so hard for me.

I have worked very hard during our 'break' to re-evaluate myself and think about how I can enforce my boundaries in this relationship. THe truth is, he seems to have no consideration for my boundaries.

Coco
Enforce your boundaries by not texting, not talking to him, block his email, etc. Tell him your boundaries. Write them out if you need to. Once he stops receiving your texts, phone messages & emails he'll maybe, MAYBE get the hint that you're serious.

Be strong. You can do this.

It's not easy telling a Master that you are exercising your right as a human being to walk away from a toxic relationship, I've been there.

Remember the Little Engine that Could. "I think I can, I think I can" eventually he did make it up that hill. So will you.

Take care of yourself & move forward one minute, one hour, one day, one month at a time. Baby steps.

FitChick 12-12-2010 10:35 AM

The others are right,this IS an unhealthy relationship,and you need to do the best for you and cut it off. He needs time to comes to term with whatever is going on in his head,and being with someone else won't allow him to do that,no matter now 'nice' or 'good' you are.

Time to take care of you xx

OneUncagedBird 12-12-2010 07:41 PM

At this point, all he wants is sex. So, that is all he considers you good for. If he was ready for something more he would go for it. Guys generally go for what they want healthy or unhealthy. It is usually pretty straightforward and there are no subtle innuendoes or feelings like in the movies. If he wanted it, he would be up for it. At this point you are hanging on cuz you can't let him go. Not the other way around. He is just getting out of you what he can for the time being. Sorry, wish it wasn't like this for you. And wish what I was saying wasn't the truth especially since your feelings are so strong. But, you have to protect and take care of yourself. You CANNOT leave it up to someone else. That will end up even more miserable and unhappy. I know because I have been there. Good luck.

Magdlyn 12-18-2010 10:46 PM

"Dom-ass." Next!

Fidelia 12-19-2010 03:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 56265)
"Dom-ass." Next!

*snap* :cool:


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