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-   -   My partner became very intimate with another friend in a way that it hurts myfeelings (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4438)

Imagination 12-11-2010 07:36 PM

My partner became very intimate with another friend in a way that it hurts myfeelings
(This is a cotninuation of "How to turn a monogamous relationsship into an poly relationship or a friendship?". I started a new thread to focus more on the present situation)

Me my partner Claudia (we're together for a year and a half now, she is in her mid twenties, I'm in my late thirties) and our friend Jan had a few threesomes yet without involving sex and I felt - everyone - felt very good about it.
I'm quite upset now, because Claudia, Jan and me met another time and this time Jan and Claudia had sex the first time. This I even encouraged them to do. What bother me is, that I felt left out and
I didn't really feel turned on anyway. And lately (the past one/ two weeks) Claudia was not so interesteted in me sexually and now she left for a few days to her flat and still, we didn't sleep with each other.
(Claudia and my sex life used to be many times really fullfilling, sometimes not so great, very much depending on how the two of us felt like)
Claudia and Jan rather say, that their relationship is a friendship with a sexual part as well.

What happened during the past weeks:

May be I didn't care very much about myself. Claudia was recently not very happy at all about the me mentioning that I would like to get involved with other women (despite our threesomes). Well, first she said may be but I really don't know how I would feel, when there was another women with the two of us. I guess then I insisted too much and I wanted to have the right to get involved with any women I liked (which was stupid) and then she blocked off. The last I said was, that I would at least inform her, before I did anything. She keeps saying that it was Jan and my idea to get intimate with her (which is true) and that she is not sure about it at all, yet she certainly enjoys it.
Another problem for me is, that it is not so easy to find another women who feels attrackted to me.
Only once in a club (I was there on my own) about two weeks ago, I got talk to a women I feld attracted to. She asked me after we had talked about ten minutes if I would come with her. Then I told her I had something else to do (bacause of Claudia) and that I would like to see her sometimes again, but we didn't exchange numbers.

What happened the night before our threesome + what happened to Jan in the past days:

Yesterday (before we had our 3 person rendevouz) I went toa party with Claudia, and it was really good, especially for Claudia, who didn't go out for a very long time due to her paranoia. This time it worked and she really enjoyed it. There was Jan also and his ex girl friend Stephanie. He lost her a few days ago, because they had a threesome (he, her and one of his best friends - Patrick). Then comparable to my situation above, she had a lot of fun with Patrick only. But she left him, because she said, she liked Patrick more. This was very hard for Jan, even though Patrick and Stephany don't go out with each other. (they all were at the party). So for sure his liason with Claudia made Jan feel much better and Claudia, too. It was great to see her having fun at the party and having caring people around her and - more or less - seeing hear enjoy having sex with a friend.

What happend after our last threesome:

After Jan left I noticed that there had happened a shift between Claudia and me. A lot of tensions seems to have vanished and now it was more the other way around than usually. I felt said and kind of angry. She caressed me and tried to support me. Only to have sex she didn't really want to.
Now I feel like I don't want to be intimate at all and I would like to come to terms with myself and with what happened. Yet I'm happy that Claudia became more relaxed and more confident about herself and that she talked of going out again or go for a weekend trip.

What now?

It would be nice if someone who had simmilar experiences may be could dissolve a little bit all this emotional chaos for me? I guess I should be patient now. I feel better now already, reflecting everything while writing it down is a good thing as well. I mean if there would be the chance to start something like a love affair with may be a friend I might do it right away. But no one knows if this will happen.
And I forgot to tell, I suggested to Jan and Claudia, that they meet each other without me, when the want to have this kind of engagement.

I feel kind of sad and empty now but I feel that I will learn from all of this.

Imagination 12-12-2010 04:00 PM

I feel better already, just to socialize with some friends and people I know, without even talking about it, helped. This whole story is ridiculous.

MonoVCPHG 12-12-2010 04:40 PM


Originally Posted by Imagination (Post 55605)
This whole story is ridiculous.

Nothing about this is ridiculous. It reflected something that was very real to you and I think you discovered something important and beneficial to you.

"I feel better now already, reflecting everything while writing it down is a good thing as well."

Thanks for sharing that process :)

Imagination 12-12-2010 09:33 PM

My partner said that she couldn't have imagined doing something like this and that she learns a lot from it.
Entering a new area of course can cause some trouble and sometimes communication goes the wrong way. I'm confindent we will both grow from this process of new answers and questions and... I feel this brings challenges and dynamics to our relationship.

redpepper 12-13-2010 06:58 AM

sex can be tricky and really can move people beyond the energy that once was there before it. I am forever changed when I have sex with people, which is why I don't have sex unless I am certain that it is the right choice and in knowing that things will likely change afterwards for me.. sure enough they always do. At least so far in my life and I haven't known that to look like it will budge from that... never know.

Time my friend, give it some time to settle in and see how the dynamic changes. It might be temporary or it might be the end of your triad and turn into a vee, or end entirely... you never know, but all one can do really is wait and take each step as it comes... keep talking too.

Imagination 12-14-2010 04:36 PM

This - making love changes everything - I noticed from time to time, too, but forgot to think about it. I wonder why making love changes a relationship so much?

Even the vibrations between me and Claudia and me and Jan have changed in a strange way, hard to explain. One could say, we became more sensitive with each other; I feel touched by it, hurt in a way that opens up my mind. Somehow I might have been moved out of a stable but static set of mind. Yesterday was a particary creative day for me.

Imagination 12-16-2010 06:05 PM

Wh can't they meet without me?
The situation improves and Claudia is visiting me right now. But what I don't understand: Why do Claudia and Jan want to meet only, when I'm there, too?
they can't give me an answer. I mean it is great to be together as three once in a while, but why do they want to be with me each time? May be, they don't want to get too close, don't want to hurt me? As far as I understand (yet I see it may be more) the sexual experience is kind of an centre point - especially for Jan - of their friendship.
I don't understand, why they refuse to have that experience without me, I would be perfectly allright and do something different I enjoy, instead.

Kkaaww 12-18-2010 04:57 AM

I have been with my wife for a long time, 12 years. We began trying to find a girl for us both about 2 years ago. About a year ago we had a young girl move in with us and it has been a disaster.
The new GF has tried to turn everything into a competition. Who gets laid first, and when, who controls the remote, where we eat at. It all started with the sex and went downhill from there. I realize that im not being as detailed as you were but I thought I would share and let you know that you are not alone in the fact that this is VERY COMPLICATED

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