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-   -   I need ADVICE on telling hubby I'm going to see the new guy... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4425)

whatamIdoing 12-08-2010 08:26 PM

I need ADVICE on telling hubby I'm going to see the new guy...UPDATED at bottom
 
HI all.... well my life continues to be up and down... and interesting...

Here's the latest...

my husband asked me last night if I minded if he went on an overnight trip with our friend C. I don't mind him going with C and told him to go and have a good time. So they are leaving Friday after work (around 6 or 6:30 PM)

C would love to have a more physical relationship with my hubby but he's not really interested. They are very close friends however. In a way I hope it does get physical for them Friday night.

So I sent J an email letting him know I was free on Friday night and if he was not busy maybe we could get together... I fully expected him to be busy.

SURPRISE! He's free. So now I am going to drive up to see J.
This will be our first alone time. AND our first meeting since I brought the idea of my having a relationship with J to my husband.

Husband is a bit jealous. and a bit concerned. and has NO idea that I asked J if he wanted to see me Friday. I have to tell him. I fear a bad reaction.

J and I do not have final plans yet...

I wonder if I should wait to tell hubby when the plans are final
or if I should mention to him I'm going to see J. but we don't know what we are doing yet....

the possibility exists that I will spend the night up there... but I don't know and may not know until that actually happens.

i Probably have left some important points out but that's what I can think of right now....

NeonKaos 12-08-2010 08:47 PM

Condoms are your friend.

whatamIdoing 12-08-2010 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 55281)
Condoms are your friend.


that is a given....

NeonKaos 12-08-2010 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing (Post 55282)
that is a given....

:cool:

SourGirl 12-08-2010 08:54 PM

Honestly, I think you`ll just have to weather the storm. Meaning, he may not be pleased, that you talked to the boyfriend before talking to him. He`s feeling some insecurities currently, and these little things matter. You might not hear what you hope to hear.

In future, when you get a date idea due to schedules all lining up, broach the idea with your husband first. When a spouse is skittish, but trying, these little things really help them feel like they are part of a decision.

Come to think of it, you could still do this. Just be blunt, and say to husband; ' While you are busy, what do you think of me going to see J ?'

You might also give him factual info. A time you will be leaving your house, a time you will be arriving home. Will you stay the night ? Will you want to contact your hubby and let him know you are ok ? All good info.

Then offer to give him a day or so to think about it.

Be prepared to ixnay plans.
Be prepared to be able to make last minute plans.
Be prepared to scramble.


Yes, it does all seem much like you are back in high school, asking if its ok to go on a date with the bad boy. Still, a little goes a long way with these scenarios. Chose your wording carefully.

FTR, I never ask 'permission'.
I always ask what someone thinks, or how they feel. I ask for their input. It means more, and then the spouse doesn`t feel like the 'bad guy' for having feelings.

whatamIdoing 12-08-2010 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Superjast (Post 55284)
Honestly, I think you`ll just have to weather the storm. Meaning, he may not be pleased, that you talked to the boyfriend before talking to him. He`s feeling some insecurities currently, and these little things matter. You might not hear what you hope to hear.

In future, when you get a date idea due to schedules all lining up, broach the idea with your husband first. When a spouse is skittish, but trying, these little things really help them feel like they are part of a decision.

Come to think of it, you could still do this. Just be blunt, and say to husband; ' While you are busy, what do you think of me going to see J ?'

You might also give him factual info. A time you will be leaving your house, a time you will be arriving home. Will you stay the night ? Will you want to contact your hubby and let him know you are ok ? All good info.

Then offer to give him a day or so to think about it.

Be prepared to ixnay plans.
Be prepared to be able to make last minute plans.
Be prepared to scramble.


Yes, it does all seem much like you are back in high school, asking if its ok to go on a date with the bad boy. Still, a little goes a long way with these scenarios. Chose your wording carefully.

FTR, I never ask 'permission'.
I always ask what someone thinks, or how they feel. I ask for their input. It means more, and then the spouse doesn`t feel like the 'bad guy' for having feelings.


WOW awesome information.
and great advice.
last minute plans with J never work.... in fact he said this is so last minute... our first date was planned for January 8th.... DH knew about that and was ok...
I never ever thought J would be free.... hence not mentioning it to hubby... but i should have you are right.....

whatamIdoing 12-08-2010 10:39 PM

well I told him... just like you asked.

he's not excited for me but he's ok with it...

I wish he was not so sad about this...

LovingRadiance 12-08-2010 10:48 PM

Being up front (meaning talking about ideas before they become plans) is always a good idea.

It takes a bit to get over the sense of loss. I'm the poly one in my marriage-and I still went through that when Maca got a girlfriend.

I like to leave him a love letter or something special when I go, somehting that will remind him that I love him TOO, that he's not forgotten while I'm gone.
I also like to bring him back something-a card, a small gift that I picked up while I was gone with GG. Just lets him know that GG and I aren't pretending he doesn't exist, we're loving each other with full understanding of my love and commitment to him as well.

Good luck!

SourGirl 12-08-2010 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing (Post 55292)
well I told him... just like you asked.

he's not excited for me but he's ok with it...

I wish he was not so sad about this...

Well, he will be sad, for awhile. I know for you, It`s hard to go off and have fun, when someone you love is not happy for you. Just know, these things take time. You have to look at the initial phase of dating, as a way to help gain a partner`s confidence. Chipping away one insecurity at a time.

So you go on the date. You do like LR says, and make sure you leave a thoughtful momento for your spouse. Since your spouse is going away, maybe put it in his bag/suitcase.

Surprise your spouse. I always read on these forums about people going on first dates and not wanting to be 'bugged' by their spouse while on a date.

Well why not surprise the spouse and be the one to call and check on them ? See how they are doing. Prove you haven`t forgot them.

Be home when you say you`ll be home. Do the things you say you will do.

All these things truly help build trust, and belief in poly situations. I see many people who will be annoyed their spouse wont trust them, or allow them to be poly. Yet those same people are constantly late, constantly dropping the ball on the little things. How will the spouse ever be able to trust the big things ?


Anyhow,...back to you,...it doesn`t start out easy,..but it has the ability to get easier over time.:)


Edit to note : Superjast is now SourGirl. Family-sniffing has caused a change of name. Sorry for any confusion.

whatamIdoing 12-09-2010 12:33 AM

well I got home and we talked. it's not going well.

he says i should go and do it but that he is not happy and he won't be happy and he's very sure I am going to leave him for J.

I really feel bad here. I really feel that he's being unfair... it's ok for him to go away with a friend for an overnight trip because he doesn't want to sleep with her, it's ok for him to have female friends that he talks to 2 hours a day every day, it's ok for him to text and flirt with others or try to get with other women but the second I want to try to do this for the first time in EIGHT years of being together, he can't deal.

he said he's willing to give it all up.... but I never got MY chance. and I'm MAD


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