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-   -   To Bi or Not to Bi; That's the Query. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44210)

ATX 04-05-2013 09:43 PM

To Bi or Not to Bi; That's the Query.
 
Let's dive in:

My husband is opening up to his curiosity about the same sex. He has taken his time getting comfortable with being able to vocalize his wants from another man.

While wanting to explore his bi-curiosity, we are also just opening up to polyamory and we aren't sure how to describe what we want when it comes to adding a male prospect.

He says it isn't the sex that attracts him but sex organs. He says he doesn't find males attractive, but useful in a sexual way. This is not to say he doesn't understand that entering into a polyamorous relationship will include a relationship with another male. He just wants that to be a friendship. A straight friendship. He says he enjoys his intimacy with me and has no desire to kiss or cuddle with a man.

My question is: Is he straight and just likes being fucked by and messing around with guys occasionally or is he a certain degree of bi? How do we explain or express our wants and needs to our prospects?

I hope I wasn't convoluted. Thanks for the help in advance!

-ATX

Magdlyn 04-05-2013 09:56 PM

There's a scale. I think Kinsey did one, but any bi or queer person can tell you where they fall on it. Completely straight, completely gay, or somewhere in between.

I find a lot of guys just want the cock of another man, not the whole man, no kissing, cuddling, dating.

That is why god gave us glory holes. Put your penis in hole in wall, get a bj! Voila! Everyone goes home satisfied.

Marcus 04-05-2013 10:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATX (Post 195015)
How do we explain or express our wants and needs to our prospects?

Like this...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATX (Post 195015)
He says it isn't the sex that attracts him but sex organs. He says he doesn't find males attractive, but useful in a sexual way. This is not to say he doesn't understand that entering into a polyamorous relationship will include a relationship with another male. He just wants that to be a friendship. A straight friendship. He says he enjoys his intimacy with me and has no desire to kiss or cuddle with a man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATX (Post 195015)
My question is: Is he straight and just likes being fucked by and messing around with guys occasionally or is he a certain degree of bi?

Is the classification the important part? He obviously has some urges that are not heterosexual... that would qualify as some range of bi-sexual to me. Though I'm not really sure how that helps him deal with the changes he is going through.

In order to find a community that is a bit more related to what you are doing you might want to use the Google to look up some terms. Start with polyamory, and bisexuality, for example.

opalescent 04-05-2013 10:10 PM

Dan is the Man
 
I suggest your husband check out Dan Savage's more recent blogging, Savage Love columns, etc. on this very subject. (Not the stuff when he first started his column - he said some dumb things about bisexuality at first. He's evolved on the issue too.)

He suggests - and I agree - that there are bisexual people who can fall in love with both (or more) genders; there are bisexual people who like sex with, let's say a man with other men, but don't fall in love with male sex partners. There are bisexual people who love playing with sex organs. Let's say a man who loves to give head to another man but really isn't interested in anything more than that. (And I am using a male example because of your husband's situation but I believe this is true of both genders and probably trans folks too.) And there are more variations too - like women who love to cuddle and fondle women but can't imagine being in a relationship with another woman. Or people who are romantic towards one gender but not also sexual towards that gender.

The variations and subtle differences are probably close to infinite.

As long as one is upfront and honest and respectful, it is all good as far as I am concerned. As long as your husband tells potential male sex partners, 'hey, I am only interested in sexual experimentation. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, I'm not gay, I'm not going to leave the wife, I just want to play with your dick and have you play around with mine. Fuck and be fucked. Is that ok?' Do treat the other man respectfully, as a human being - a fuckbuddy is still a buddy, an actual or potential friend.

(As an aside, I personally can't get have sex without kissing. But lots of people work differently than me.)

You may run into bisexual prejudice from straight and gay people. Some gay people (not all but some) think anyone bisexual is 'really' gay and just hasn't figured it out yet. Sometimes that is true - people coming out do sometimes identify as bisexual as a way station identity until they get more comfortable in themselves. But often, bisexual is really where a person lands on the Kinsey scale. Some straight people also want bisexual to just 'pick one already!'. All you and your husband can do is learn about yourselves and each other, be introspective, explorative and be who you are.

And kudos to you for accepting your husband's sexual exploration.

Anneintherain 04-06-2013 06:44 AM

And thats why I'd date separately, so he can figure out what he wants on his own without a convoluted "shit now we all like each other but one of us isn't into it the same way so do we all break up" issue.

I only say that since you say what do "we" say to prospects. If you just support him while he figures out what to say to interests on his own while you are supportive but not pushy, and date on your own, I'd imagine you can just worry about what HE is thinking and feeling instead of worrying about a third party.

Derbylicious 04-06-2013 01:08 PM

Regarding the question of if he's straight and just likes fucking guys or if he's bi, that's really up to him to decide. The wonderful thing about sexuality is that we get to define it for ourselves.

As to how to communicate what he wants from a potential sexual partner, it sounds like he has it pretty clearly figured out for himself already. Just putting it out there like you have here should do just fine. Being really specific about what you want helps to find those people who will fit well with you. (That doesn't mean it will be easy though, the more outside the box what we're looking for is the more difficult it can be to find those people who fit).

ATXGuy 04-06-2013 03:24 PM

Hey everyone, husband here. I really appreciate everyone's thought, comments, and replies.

So just to clarify what my wife said, I consider myself bi, but there is absolutely no attraction to men at all. I'm just a very sexual person, and I'm into just about any range of sexual activity. Kissing and cuddling is more intimate to me, and not something I'm interested in with men.

Also, I'm not interested in dating separately, at least not right now. We have discussed the possibility of that later on, but even then I would only be interested in women in that aspect.

BoringGuy 04-06-2013 09:28 PM

Well, bisexual means biSEXUAL, not biromantic or bi-kissing-and-cuddling. So if you like having sex with someone who has a penis or with a penis that happens to be attached to a human being who is not a mtf trans person, then you are by definition "bisexual". If you need to tell yourself that you are "not attracted" to men, or that you (in this case not YOU-you but the hypothetical "you") don't want to "label" yourself that way, then that's fine. But what you described fits the definition of "bisexual". Just like i don't use the label "polyamorous" when i describe my relationships in words, what i describe DOES fit the definition.

ATX 04-06-2013 10:25 PM

Misunderstanding
 
This post wasn't so much, " how do I categorize my husband?" Nor was he asking. I suppose we were wondering if there were just an easier way to say it. Like a word for it, but there's not and we have had great input on the situation.

It was not my intention to generalize anyone, although now I wish I had worded my question better. Thanks all and sorry for the miscommunication.

-ATX

BoringGuy 04-06-2013 10:35 PM

I didn't mean it like that at all. I was simply giving him (i was primarily responding to his post, not yours because this is really about him and now that he's here i see more benefit to addressing him directly than addressing your questions on his behalf) my permission to use the word "bisexual" even though he doesn't want to "kiss-and-cuddle" with another man. I also wanted him to know that just because "bisexual" is a "label" that doesn't mean it isn't a perfecly good vocabulary word with an existing definition that matches up with how he describes himself and does not automatically carry the "extra baggage" with it unless you let it. And if you acknowledge that extra baggage as something that has power over you, then feel free to not use the word.

That's all. You don't owe ME an apology. However, i can't speak for the other people who have posted in this thread.


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