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-   -   Is this right for me? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=442)

cricketsong 06-29-2009 08:58 PM

Is this right for me?
Hello, lately I've been struggling with feelings that make me feel very guilty.
I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year now, and we're very happy together. I can't imagine my life without him, we have so much fun together, and I love him so very much.
But I feel as if I love another, as well. He's a person I've known longer, have dated before, and have never actually met. I feel as if he's had an unfair advantage, because he lives in a different state.
I had to choose between the two of them before, and I chose my boyfriend. It was a very difficult choice, and it tortured me for a very good time afterwards. He wanted to cut off communication from me, but I just couldn't deal having him out of my life. We ended up staying friends, and still talk every day. Ever since I had to choose, I've been struggling with these feelings. I feel so guilty for still loving him, even though I already have a wonderful boyfriend. I feel like such an awful girlfriend, and it's really beginning to get to me.
I've been reading up on Polyamory, and I am interested in a V. But I don't know how I could even bring that up to them. I feel so selfish for considering it.
I guess I'm just asking if I'm really as awful as a person as I think I am, and if something like this could work for me? And, if it would, how I could bring it up to my current boyfriend, and the other man I love?

MonoVCPHG 06-29-2009 09:10 PM

You are not awful at all so erase that thought from your mind. You do have to be open and honest with both of them if you want to have this. I mean completely honest. There may be pain and even loss but continuing to essentially love two people seperately will probably cause you more grief in the long run. You really don't want to end up in an affair atmosphere with the other guy wether it is online or in person. Does your current boyfriend know of your friend and how you talk to him everyday?

Take care and don't beat yourself up:)

cricketsong 06-29-2009 09:20 PM

Thank you very much for your reply. :)

As of right now, I'm not sure if he knows that I talk to him every day. I am pretty sure that he still knows that I'm friends with him, though.
I guess I'm just afraid that if I bring this up, they'll think I'm trying to take the easy way out, or just want "two boyfriends because I can" neither of which are true. That, and I don't want to cause anyone any pain, and I can't imagine this not doing some of that. So I'm scared he'll think that if I love another person, then I can't possibly love him.

What would be the best way to bring up the subject of Polyamory with them?

MonoVCPHG 06-29-2009 09:27 PM

I'm not the best person to ask about this...there are better suited people on here for that question. My Life Love Redpepper or Mark might have some good insights. I'll speak to her about you and I'm sure she will help.

Take care and keep reading..there is probably a few ideas on here already :)

redpepper 06-29-2009 09:41 PM

Hi there. I think you are on the right track in doing some research and coming on here. There really is no need to beat yourself up. You have been given the gift of being able to love. There is only good in that. How you go about loving so as to not hurt others but allow them to feel its wealth is the key. If they chose to avoid your love by leaving then that is their chose and is their loss.

I think that directing both here and telling them both that you would like to try poly out is a good way to start. Show them your thread and then wait to see what they say.

Good luck my friend. You are on the right track.

cricketsong 06-29-2009 09:50 PM

Thank you both very much.
I guess the only way to see will be to try.
It's going to take a lot of strength to do so, but I'll try to muster up all of my courage and direct them here.
I'm going to continue doing my research, and see if this is really right for me. So far, I believe it is. When I look back on my past relationships, it makes sense.

Quath 06-30-2009 02:56 AM

You could casually mention polyamory and see their gut reaction. Maybe give it a couple of days and mention that you find it interesting. At that point, they maay start questioning your interest. You could just state what you want and desire. There will be a lot of talking, but hopefully they will give it a shot.

You are not awful for wanting this. But it does take courage to go after what you desire.

Mark1npt 06-30-2009 04:55 PM

Cricketsong, you have found yourself right where many of us poly people have been. A major conundrum.....As Redpepper and Mono have said, do not beat yourself up over this. You are who you are and if you are a person capable of loving more than one person at a time and living in a more fulfilled, completed, harmonious bliss, that's great. But, just starting out as you are, you need to be upfront with these two guys and get their feelings out on the table. I am struggling with my wife on this matter because she and I both found out many years into a marriage that I was poly and now I'm asking her to change who she may be inside, and that's very tough and unfair of me to ask of her. Believe me, if I had realized 30 years ago that I was poly and wanted to live or even could live, this way, I would have given her a heads up then and saved her a lot of pain and heartache now. We are still trying to deal with it and work thru it. She is a wonderful women for loving me so and being willing to try, but there are very few of those around today.

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