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-   -   BF having a baby - thoughts and advice? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4417)

xianny 12-07-2010 07:26 PM

BF having a baby - thoughts and advice?
I've been dating a guy, J, for about 3.5 months. We started things with the understanding of "something casual", and he told me right away that he was married. Neither of us were interested in getting very attached; "just sex" was a perfectly acceptable baseline.

As things go, we get along pretty well, and are starting to be more of friends. We see each other once a week; usually we go have dinner and then he stays the night at my place. He's met a few of my friends and I've met a few of his. I recently went to turkey day dinner at his place. We also found out we have quite a few mutual friends-of-friends, so there's probably an impending merger of friends in the mix.

I've only met his wife, B, once, when we went for coffee and chatted for about 40 minutes. She's very pregnant, due in about a month, and having a rough go of it, so she's tired most of the time and doesn't have much energy for socialising.

I don't really have a specific question, but I wanted to get some thoughts and advice from people more experienced than me. I would really like to be friends with B, but I don't want to impose on her, and I'm unsure as to how to proceed. My instinct tells me to just take it easy and let someone else set the pace.

He has told me that we probably won't have as much time together after the baby arrives, which is not a surprise at all, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But I'm definitely feeling like this is more than "just sex" now, and I feel like I want to be a part of their lives even if J and I are not having regular dates.

I also feel that I want to help somehow post-baby, but I don't know how appropriate that would be, or how comfortable B would be with anything. Gifts of food? Or should I just stay away?

There's a selfish part of me that just wants to be involved, but really I just want to make the whole experience easier for them. It would make me happy to be able to help but I'd be OK if they just wanted me to disappear for a while. I also find myself caring about B even though I barely know her; caring by proxy I guess. Somehow I wish that we'd met at a different time so that I'd have a better opportunity to get to know her.

So... thoughts, advice, anything to help me navigate this period of time to produce maximum good feelings and a minimum of unhappiness?

NeonKaos 12-07-2010 07:32 PM

I bet that the wife/mother would REALLY appreciate an offer of errand-running or house-cleaning, laundry-doing, or watching the baby so she can grab a shower or a nap. These are the complaints I seem to hear of most from people who just had a baby.

If she says "thanks but no thanks", then you've done your part by offering. Just make sure you that when you make an offer of help, you MEAN it, in case she accepts.

LovingRadiance 12-07-2010 07:46 PM

If you want to buy a gift-diapers, in size 1 and size 2 (everyone buys hte small one, babies grow unbelievably fast), wipes (never enough), a gift certificate to get mommy's hair done or a massage...

I don't advise baby clothes-because everyone gets new babies clothes and many of them end up donated having never been worn, because the babies grow so fast.

If you want to be helpful-a gift basket of pre-made meals, fresh fruit and veggies....

And for sure like Neon said-offer to clean can be HUGE-sometimes giving someone a gift certificate for cleaning services-with specified things, like bathroom cleaning, kitchen cleaning, vacuuming etc is less invasive to them than just saying "would you like me to come clean?".

Even if it's for YOUR services-it feels a bit less invasive.

xianny 12-07-2010 07:55 PM

One thing that I might not have mentioned is that I'm almost never over at their place, so I would feel awkward just offering offhand to help with chores or errands. I would like to be in a position to do that though.

They also already have a regular cleaning lady so offering to help in that respect would probably be redundant.

I'm just not sure what would be appropriate in this situation and it makes me feel terribly awkward.

NeonKaos 12-07-2010 07:59 PM

Just tell them if there's anything they need help with, not to hesitate to ask you. You could even put it in writing. Get a "Congratulations on your new Baby" card, and write "I'm not sure what you need, so if there's anything I can do to help out, consider this card a standing offer". Sometimes all people need is to KNOW that help is available. They might not ever need the actual help, but it gives them peace of mind to know it's out there if they do.

xianny 12-07-2010 08:02 PM

That sounds like a really good idea and something that I could definitely do. Thank you!

redpepper 12-07-2010 10:15 PM

I think I would allow her to set the pace on this. New mum's don't take kindly to anyone else meddling with their routines and way of doing things. I know I didn't. Most of the time what people thought was helpful made me want to tell them to fuck off and leave us alone ;) so, ya, a quick telling her that you are available, don't want to be a burden, but would be around more to help if she is willing would be enough. Then drop it.

Dad's are kind of not that useful when babies are born. Their roll is more of the go getter, the meal maker, the shoulder to cry on, the laundry doer... and the chauffeur, cause it's firstly all about baby and secondly all about Mumma. About the only thing that is for Dad's at that point is rights to walking around with strollers looking proud of their off spring. Hew will have his hands full.

As for you and this man? I think you are heading into some potentially rocky times. I think he is very wise to have the forethought that he is not going to be very available to you emotionally and time wise. I think that preparing for his absence from your life is probably the best you can do as his whole world is going to change and yours will along with it. It's hard to say where that will lead, but I would think it would be better to be pleasantly surprised when he is available than to be down and sad because he isn't.

It concerns me that you are thinking this relationship has become more than what it started out as. Have you and he talked about this? Does he agree or are YOU feeling this way? If you haven't talked to him about it, I suggest you don't and let this be his move. He is coming up on a HUGE responsibility and the last thing he needs is the woman he has had a friendship with and some cool sleepovers with changing the game on him. You agreed to the casual nature of your relationship and he could very well be done with that in a very short time after baby comes. Prepare for that realization in him. He could either be done, or be just coming over to get laid... both of which are not serving your best interest...

The thing with these casual things is that emotions and expectations and assumptions sometimes get in the way. I had or potentially still have a casual intimate friend that I used to see regularly, but he is going through a divorce and has a mono girlfriend right now and so I have been told he doesn't have time. I am hurt by that. I was there for him during a tumultuous time in his life (several times) and now that his divorce is going through he has no time for me and prefers to spend his time with his new girlfriend, who, btw, was okay with my being in his life, it's him that chose to end that part of our relationship to concentrate on his mono relationship.

The result has been that I made myself available during rough times and when they were over he was done with me for now... My question to myself is, will I be so available next time? Or should I be very careful not to be SO available. This is the second time around for us, where I have made myself a fool for this man and I feel used and unappreciated now as a result. Not his fault, I agreed to the casual part, but now I need to be sure not to d that again, because he means more to me than I do to him.

I would suggest that you make sure that you are getting your needs met. Not necessarily with him, but with other men that are more available. I don't know the story of the rest of your life, perhaps you have stuff going on elsewhere, but a word to the wise.... not that he is a bad man, but he has got the best thing ever in a woman to have sex with while his wife is huge. Most men have to suck it up for years before having sex with their baby mumma's again and this man has you... be careful that he isn't taking advantage of you and that you are getting some other needs met from him or elsewhere rather than turning into a nice fuck every now and then with nothing more... you are worth more and deserve more. If you are okay with helping them out by being the object of sex then great, but it sounds like your idea of moving forward is to mean more to each other than that... be careful with your heart and good luck.

redpepper 12-07-2010 10:18 PM

I just saw the other posts about offering to help. I thought I would take it in another direction .... Maybe you are doing enough to help by being a fuck buddy... maybe offer him a blow job when he comes to you having not slept, barely eaten, being yelled at by his exhausted partner and spat up on and pooed on by his new baby.

Just a thought, it might be something that HE would appreciate and who knows, maybe she will too.

Tonberry 12-08-2010 04:02 AM

I think later on, they will probably really appreciate if you took care of the baby while they go out on a date, every so often. Of course you need to be able to go on dates with him as well! But that would probably be very good for the both of them.
At the beginning though, I assume she'll want to be with the baby as much as possible. Even if you don't go to their place often, offering to do errands would probably be priceless to her. It might feel awkward for you, but they're even less likely to ask you to even if they really need help! So I would say there is no harm in offering.

dragonflysky 12-08-2010 04:23 AM

Maybe I missed something....but exactly how much does B know about you and your relationship with her husband? And what were/are her expectations of a relationship between you and her husband and/or you and her?

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