Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Being a poly male is hard (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4414)

polynHR 12-07-2010 01:02 PM

Being a poly male is hard
 
Hi

Like everyone else here, I have read a few post and replied, now its my turn to ask for advice.

My wife and I have been learning and living the poly lifestyle for about a year. In this year she has met several potential partners. However, in the year I have met none. Why is it difficult to meet potential partners as a male?

I've tried several avenues, however, I haven't had any luck. Yes I've chatted with several women however, that where it ends. I even attend a few parties in hoping of finding a potential partner. Living in Colorado its seems there are not a whole lot of poly women out there. So I'm left feeling hopeless, confused, and rejected.

:confused:

Magdlyn 12-07-2010 02:06 PM

It's true, women do get hit on more than men. Men are just more aggressive.

But there's a flip side. I've been separated and dating for 2 years. In that time, I met and partnered with a lovely woman (I'm also a woman). She's great, but we are both bi and poly and looking for others to add to our lives.

I've dated about 2 dozen men and only 2 of them have worked out long term (about 19 mos for both, and counting). There is a degree of commitment there, but both relationships are somewhat long distance and we see each other less frequently than I'd like.

Of all the other men, I've had my heart knicked over and over again. Most of them have been commitment-phobes, cheaters, users, players pretending to be poly, outright liars, depressed, arrogant, self-unaware, or just plain boring. The so-called Doms were sexually repressed dom-asses and the subs had such low self esteem it was a turn-off.

And I've tried to be very picky and screen each one as carefully as I could online before meeting in person! Now, I see I've got to have even higher standards. So, you see why women are shy about dating. Men can be such pigs. :(

Somegeezer 12-07-2010 02:13 PM

I think it is definitely just a case of the majority of men making the rest of us look bad. It's unfortunate, but we can't really help that. Eventually you will find others. Just don't give up on it.

Danny40179 12-07-2010 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 55155)
Men can be such pigs. :(

*le sigh* So true, but as Somegeezer said it's the majority of men that make the decent ones look bad.

PolyinHR, in my experience I've found that there aren't too many women out there that are interested in poly. Mostly because of what Magdlyn said in her post. A lot of guys who say they are poly are only saying that as a means to cheat or pull some other stunt. When you have those kinds of men in our world, it's going to completely turn people away from this lifestyle.

It may take some time, but you'll eventually find someone. Just think about how awesome it's going to be when you finally do. :)

Good luck!

nycindie 12-07-2010 04:32 PM

Breathe and let it happen the way it does
 
Perhaps your focus should be more on the dynamics of your relationship with your wife when one of you meets someone, and let that slowly sink in and see how adding a person to the mix effects you both. Just because you two chose to learn about and embrace polyamory doesn't mean you each now must find a lover or potential additional partner at the same time! Life doesn't necessarily happen that way. It's not likely to happen without some kind of attempt to force the issue, but if you did both start seeing additional people at the same time, it would be a HUGE change to your current relationship. I think it could be a very good thing that finding someone happens slowly, whoever it happens with first. Why not let it happen when it happens, and if it starts out with just your wife finding another partner, then take the time to absorb the new dynamic. It will affect you. Don't let yourself become frantic about trying to keep up and have the same things at the same time -- it will never be the same anyway, you are two different people just starting to allow a new way of living. It is more likely that if you relax about it, and not worry about competing to get there, you will be more attractive to someone new anyway.

redpepper 12-07-2010 05:43 PM

I've had a similar experience to Magdyln.

I spent a good two years searching for a man that was as decent as my husband. Mono was a rarity. A HUGE RARITY!

I dated upwards of 50 men in a couple of years, some of which I shared WAY too much with for what they were worth and that is my one regret. I needed to be loved, cherished and appreciated treated with respect and instead I was used. I gave them a piece of me that they did not deserve and it pains me that women do this more often than not. I respected them and was willing to cherish and love them.... it disgusts me now to think of it.

It was Mono that changed me. He pointed out that my body is a temple and should be honoured and respected, that I should be honoured and respected. He has set the bar so high that I doubt there are as many men with as much quality as he... in return he has made what I give quality also. It has been a real gift. One of the biggest of my life.

It's really quite simple, be respectful, don't be selfish and really pay attention with your whole heart.... I don't know why more people don't get it. To me, having really thought about what I expect and what I can give I find that I just really don't have time or tolerance for most people because I expect a certain level of quality in our interaction... I hope that doesn't leave me lonely one day, because it's very hard to find.

I think that really, men have been treated badly, so then treat others badly and quality is lost. Women expect that men are going to give them a half ass amount of attention and love and they give a half ass amount back because of that expectation. No one wins...

There seems to be a real lack of investment and vulnerability that people in general give because they are fearful, and they have every reason to be. With some dating sites, daters and the attitude that cheating and casual/non invested sex is the best option, the quick fix, the temporary high, there is little reason to pay attention (this being said after plenty of discussion about how casual sex can be fun and nurturing... just so you know that I know the difference). It's almost become better to be numb, apathetic and lazy when it comes to interactions with others. Either that or just don't have interactions.... .

sad, very sad.

NeonKaos 12-07-2010 06:44 PM

I don't see this as a man vs. woman issue at all. There are men with low self-esteem and there are women with low self-esteem. If people would make the effort to be honest with themselves, a lot of the superficial game-playing would fall by the wayside.

Sure there are different messages sent by way of mass-media and popular culture as to what society's "expectations" are for a given gender-role, but since those expectations are skewed against non-monogamous relationships for ANY individual of ANY orientation, I'm hard-pressed to draw the conclusion that it's easier or more difficult for men or women to find suitable partners in a polyamorous context.

The grass is always greener over someone else's septic tank.

polychronopolous 12-07-2010 07:25 PM

I have always found that a good way to meet people is not to try. Being motivated to make connections tends to make most people JUST too eager to come across naturally. Someone who is happy where they are and content just to BE has a great chance of having people see then for who they are which tends to make one far more attractive to anyone who is open. Meh, that sounds more like dating advice which is probably not what you were going for. I'll shush now :P

Phoenix

Somegeezer 12-07-2010 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polychronopolous (Post 55189)
I have always found that a good way to meet people is not to try. Being motivated to make connections tends to make most people JUST too eager to come across naturally. Someone who is happy where they are and content just to BE has a great chance of having people see then for who they are which tends to make one far more attractive to anyone who is open. Meh, that sounds more like dating advice which is probably not what you were going for. I'll shush now :P

Phoenix

+1
I make friendship my top goal. Anything more is a bonus. =]

redpepper 12-07-2010 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Somegeezer (Post 55200)
+1
I make friendship my top goal. Anything more is a bonus. =]

I look at this differently but get what you mean. I don't see it as a bonus, I never liked the term "friends with benefits" because that indicates that sex is a bonus and that other friends are less in some way. I prefer "intimate friends." This to me indicates the nature of the friendship rather than the quality... as if sex denotes the quality.

I have a friend that is an 87 year old woman, she is a greater and more dedicated friend of mine than the guy friend I have that on occasion I play with... see what I mean?

I think part of the problem with our culture is the pedestal we put sex on. It sends the wrong message about a persons worth, especially women. Somehow women have it in there head, more often than not it seems, that there worth as a partner, and now even as a friend (!) is based on the sex the put out... that their worth as a "bonus" is based on sexuality not on how good a friend they are.


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:54 AM.