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-   -   When a Man Wants Me to be my ONLY sexual Mate (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44111)

SweetSensations 04-04-2013 04:38 PM

When a Man Wants Me to be my ONLY sexual Mate
 
I am in a DADT with husband who no longer wants sex and I have been upfront about having 2 mates from the beginning but had not followed through with sex with both mates. Another man would only have sex with me once every 2 months so I sought after someone who would fill in those gaps. All was great and my first mate just kind of faded into the background.

My second sexual mate has been with me for 4 months and mostly sees me once a week when he is in town on for business. When I had sex with the first mate over spring break my second mate is feeling slightly jealous and possessive. Here is what happen when I did meet with my second mate during sex.
It seems as if he is claiming his territory. Almost immediately he told me to lay down. He told me he was going to show me what it was like to be wanted. Almost no prep, no foreplay, no fellatio. I He put me on the corner of the mattress entered and started pounding. He asked if I was okay, I'm sure I was wincing or he would not have said anything. I said yes, I just need a little time to get used to you. He started saying this pussy is my pussy no one else's. Tell me baby this is my pussy. I said "It's your pussy Daddy" He said tell me it is my pussy only. Say it. "It is your pussy only daddy." No one else's? "No daddy it is no one else's, only yours" Then he said do I take good care of your pussy? "yes daddy you do" Well then don't share my pussy with anyone else. "okay daddy, it's all yours."
Then later that night I told him. You were claiming your territory by making me say it was your pussy. He said yes, I did it when you were very vulnerable state.

How do I regain the freedom to still have a sexual relationship with others and as little hurt as possible. What would my dialogue look like with this man?

AJ1 04-04-2013 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SweetSensations (Post 194662)
He said yes, I did it when you were very vulnerable state.

Can you elaborate on this? The way it is phrased makes it sounds like it was premeditated - which would be really manipulative.

SweetSensations 04-04-2013 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AJ1 (Post 194668)
Can you elaborate on this? The way it is phrased makes it sounds like it was premeditated - which would be really manipulative.

I can't, as I have no details. I am sure his intention is to move the direction of one mate. I told him I felt sore after our session. He said good, you won't need another man if I keep you sore. He has a great need to feel wanted/needed as he also does not get sex at home.

BoringGuy 04-04-2013 05:57 PM

Maybe he thinks you like it rough. You should talk to him about your wants, needs, and limits.

SweetSensations 04-04-2013 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 194672)
Maybe he thinks you like it rough. You should talk to him about your wants, needs, and limits.

About 45 minutes later I am preped and can handle rough. He was so interested in showing me good lovin he forgot or his mind was in a different space. No biggie it may be part of claiming his territory. I adore him anyway and it won't kill me to be sore.

BoringGuy 04-04-2013 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SweetSensations (Post 194675)
About 45 minutes later I am preped and can handle rough. He was so interested in showing me good lovin he forgot or his mind was in a different space. No biggie it may be part of claiming his territory. I adore him anyway and it won't kill me to be sore.

So he sees you as "his territory"? You're ok with that? Is there a D/s dynamic to your relationship with him? It won't "kill" you to be sore, but do you WANT to be sore? Some people do like being sore after sex because it reminds them of the great sex they had. But it doesn't sound like you really enjoyed yourself. It sounds like you're tolerating this treatment but would rather have it done another way.

SweetSensations 04-04-2013 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 194676)
So he sees you as "his territory"? You're ok with that? Is there a D/s dynamic to your relationship with him? It won't "kill" you to be sore, but do you WANT to be sore? Some people do like being sore after sex because it reminds them of the great sex they had. But it doesn't sound like you really enjoyed yourself. It sounds like you're tolerating this treatment but would rather have it done another way.

He seems like his is claiming his territory by placing me on the corner of the bed, forgoing fellatio, me riding him. Then once I am on the bed he started pounding and saying this pussy is my pussy no one else's. Tell me baby this is my pussy. "this pussy is yours daddy". Tell me this pussy is only mine. "this pussy is only yours daddy"

We have a shared sensual Dom/Domme relationship. We switch sprinkled with small amounts of pain. Mostly sensual bondage with toys for each of us.

CattivaGattina 04-04-2013 07:20 PM

This is how it sounds to me, if things aren't right let me know.

But it sounds like he got you into pretty much a state of subspace where you'd agree to things and then used that to make you have this agreement that it doesn't sound like you want.

That is not a healthy relationship. My recommendation would be meet with him somewhere where you know you wouldn't be getting back in bed, like a coffee house, and explain to him that you agreed only because of where he put you and that is not a relationship dynamic you agree to. Remind him that you were already poly when he started seeing you and if it's not something he's okay with anymore that's fine and you two can work towards a mutual break up but that he does not have the right to use a subspace like state to try and change a dynamic.

nycindie 04-04-2013 08:20 PM

I would ask him if that was just sex play for the bedroom or if he actually really expects you to be "only his" for 24/7. In reality, you only belong to you, and if you want other partners, his idea that you belong to him is farfetched and a misplaced demand. Don't put up with being dominated and treated roughly if it is not done in the way you want. What he did sounds invasive and presumptuous to me. If any sex partners of mine wants to play it rough, or get me to be a little submissive, they usually ask first and see what I'm comfortable with before actually going for it. It's supposed to be safe and consensual, with agreed-upon limits beforehand, not forced on you.

Honey, you shouldn't be that desperate for sex to just let any guy do whatever the hell he wants with you!

I didn't have sex with my husband for over three years and wanted it very, very, VERY badly when we split up -- but when I started dating, I knew I was still in charge of who does what and how! D/s is supposed to be for the sub's benefit, and it doesn't sound like you benefited at all. He does not seem like someone who would be healthy, sane, respectful, or safe for you to get involved with! And your posts about it make you sound like a deer caught in the headlights - you better snap out of it fast or you'll get run over!

AnnabelMore 04-04-2013 10:53 PM

You asked how a dialogue with this man might look:

You: I want to talk about what happened when we had sex the other day. It seems to me like you were using that encounter to tell me that you wanted to be my only lover. Is that, in fact, what you want?
Him: Yes/maybe.
You: Ok. I hear you and I respect you, but that's not what I want. In the moment, I said yes to the idea of being just yours, because, as you pointed out, I was in a very vulnerable state. However, you deserve to know that I don't intend to hold to that. I prefer to make decisions rationally, like this, not in the heat of the moment, so if you want to make decisions about our relationship together in the future please talk to me like this. I'm going to have other lovers if it feels right, because that's what I think is best for me, and I would encourage you to do the same. Knowing that, do you still want to continue our relationship?


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