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-   -   When SO wants her own.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4410)

Seekinganswer 12-05-2010 03:29 PM

When SO wants her own....
 
Hi everyone, I posted our story (search for 'Struggling to breathe') a couple of weeks ago. Thank you all for the support and sound advice you gave. So this is where we are. We're almost 5 weeks into our poly journey 2 weeks of those, my husband and his SO broke up for about 2weeks. Mind you the break up was a relief for me as the tension was driving me nuts.SO felt like a 'third party'and the sticky point was that she felt that her needs were not met and that she was happier during the affair than when it came out in the open. According to her, my husband was more attentive and now seemed that everything revolved around me. During our many discussions, we had agreed to take things slow as I needed time to come to terms with the affair they had for 9 months. In addition to this, she wanted reassurance from me that at some point I should be okay with them having kids. I am not interested in that as we already have 2 kids and told both of them so. She did not like this because it was too restrictive. My husband on the other hand would would like to have kids with her and eventually have her move in to her house on our estate, but only if Im agreeable to it. We have talked about this at length and in the end she said she would like to have her own man and have the freedom to do what she wanted with him including having children. So she broke it off.

Anyhow, they have since made up since 3 days now but this time my husband says we should stop focusing on future plans but just enjoy each other' company. So has also promised to relax and go with the flow and not make any demands. She goes out and meets other people instead of sitting and waiting for my husband. Anyhow, I feel though that leaving such matters hanging to 'enjoy and see how things develop' is kind of vague. I am the only one opposed to the 'future plan' and maybe I'd be more comfortable if we have a clear idea of where we are heading. I think Ive had just about enough of the surprises.

Still surprises continue, its sunday and she called today because she wanted to see my husband. My husband works at least 11 hours,6 days a week and as his assistant SO is with him all day. I work a few doors away and can see him whenever I want. The kids on the other hand see my husband a utmost an hour or 2 before bedtime and sunday is the family day we have. I feel this is unfair for both my husband and SO to have a sunday evening yet they had spent a night together this week already. I do realise that spontaneity adds to the fun but given our family situation, we need to schedule so that everyone especially the kids do not come short. How do you handle the time management?

Fidelia 12-05-2010 04:02 PM

I haven't read your blog posts, but from what you write here I want to say this:

The children's needs come first, and they need to spend time with their dad.

All the adults in a situation can speak for themselves, but you and your husband must speak for your children.

If your metamour is experiencing a crisis of some kind, taking some time away from the kids may be warranted, but it should be clearly understood by all parties as a special circumstance and not something that can be a regular occurrence. Because your children need their father, and there is no substitute for his presence.

If she is just missing him and desperate to be with him, sorry. The kids' needs come first. Besides, she enjoys the lion's share of his time already.

That's my advice for the immediate question at hand. If I may speak to the broader situation, I would strongly caution you that your metamour may be a cowgirl looking to cut your husband out of your herd. She has already stated her desire for a man of her own. And she wants yours. I would watch her actions carefully to determine whether she is moving to cut you out.

SNeacail 12-05-2010 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fidelia (Post 55040)
If I may speak to the broader situation, I would strongly caution you that your metamour may be a cowgirl looking to cut your husband out of your herd. She has already stated her desire for a man of her own. And she wants yours. I would watch her actions carefully to determine whether she is moving to cut you out.

This was my impression as well. Her comments seem very selfish and all about her and not about her love for your husband. This women says she wants children with your husband, but doesn't think twice about pulling him away from the children he already has. What's going to happen if she gets her wish and has a child with your husband, will your children be abandond for the new ones?

Now the part of me that always wants to think the best of people is saying, that it's time for a sit down with all three of you to have a serious discussion about boundries. Sometimes, it takes a situation to develop before any of us realize that there could be a problem. It's time to voice your observations, not through your husband but directly to her and him together, maybe they are both so deep in NRE that they just don't see it, maybe not.

Seekinganswer 12-05-2010 05:44 PM

Thanks Fidelia, we have talked and talked ourselves hoarse about our situation mostly about SO feeling left out. My husband says we do more talking than doing things but you are right, we are going to have to set up boundaries. I think the talking is something we have to accept if this is to work.

@Sneacail: these boundaries or restrictions are the reason SO broke it off because she said she needs her freedom to do what she wants. However since this week, she says she is no longer focusing on the babies and is in for the fun now. So now my husband feels like he needs to take care of her and I believe he is afraid he will lose her if he does not pay attention to her needs. But if this taking care of is eating into family time with the kids, I am not willing to accept this.

SNeacail 12-05-2010 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seekinganswer (Post 55048)
However since this week, she says she is no longer focusing on the babies and is in for the fun now. So now my husband feels like he needs to take care of her and I believe he is afraid he will lose her if he does not pay attention to her needs. But if this taking care of is eating into family time with the kids, I am not willing to accept this.

I'm back to my original impression - cowgirl!

redpepper 12-05-2010 07:45 PM

Cowgirl.

end of story.

she is being selfish and not practicing good poly ethics if you ask me... where is the empathy in this? There isn't... me me me... that is all I get from this. I don't think this woman is the right fit for your family and I don't think you all are a good fit for her either. She seems to need a man that will be okay with her having lovers, but is dedicated to having kids and being there 24/7. There is nothing wrong with that, but your man is not the one who can fulfill that.

She already had the "baby chat" with him and the "moving in chat" after a REALLY short time. She has other plans for his life and she has made that clear... good for her for communicating, but the plans are not going to work out with him.

The only way I can see this working is if your husband becomes a tersiary or a partner that is an addition to another that fills her needs... therefore, being available during your family time would not be on the table at all and she would have to go elsewhere for that need to be met.

Seekinganswer 12-06-2010 09:06 AM

Thanks Redpepper.
Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 55063)
Cowgirl.

end of story.

Yes, that was my thought when this talk about babies came up. However, the baby talk was during the affair time before my husband had told either of us of the poly plan. Their relationship basically had developed up to a point where the next step was getting a house and starting a family. It was only after the affair was in the open that my husband explained to both of us about the poly future with all of us under one roof. Before that,SO had believed that a life with my husband meant we would have to divorce for us which he never promised.

I had a talk with SO and she reassured me again that she is happy for now to enjoy my husband's company and will not focus on the baby talk or move in. She does not have other lovers but goes out with friends when she feels like without expecting my husband to be there 24/7 for her. The agreement htey have is that when she does find someone else, she has to tell my husband before becoming intimate with this person. I find that reduces on the pressure all round because until recently, she felt discarded when we had to go home to our kids and she spent nights alone.

I agree that in terms of her need to have kids, we are definitely not right for each other. We wont hold her back if she finds someone for marriage and kids. The only trouble is, I dont think my husband will ever be ready to give her up if the time comes or if indeed she wants to move on herself. In terms of safety, we are safer with her than going on the 'hunt' for the right one as in our part of the world, HIV/AIDS prevalence rates are scaringly high especially among married couples! Even more scary is that there is now a younger generation of people born with the disease and are not aware of their sero status while unethical doctors have been known to forge negative results upon receiving money.

Seekinganswer 12-06-2010 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 55063)

The only way I can see this working is if your husband becomes a tersiary or a partner that is an addition to another that fills her needs

Still on the safety matter (HIV/AIDS)as mentioned in previous post, this option would be suicidal.

Fidelia 12-06-2010 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seekinganswer (Post 55095)
Still on the safety matter (HIV/AIDS)as mentioned in previous post, this option would be suicidal.

I have to disagree on this point, Seeking. It is possible to establish safe and stable poly relationships between healthy adults.

As for unethical doctors forging clean reports, I would think that one way to solve that problem is for all partners to reach agreement as to which doctors to trust, and all partners to go to those doctors for testing. Another possible solution would be for several partners to go together for testing, and arrange that no partner would ever be alone with the doctor or staff, thus precluding the possibility of under-the-table shenanigans. Neither approach demonstrates much trust in the partners or doctors involved, but in situations where you have reason to doubt the veracity of medical records, a little paranoia could save lives.

MonoVCPHG 12-06-2010 04:13 PM

I'm thinking this woman dresses in a cowboy hat and boots. Massive red flags :(


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