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-   -   How do you avoid distraction? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4407)

nycindie 12-04-2010 09:54 PM

How do you avoid distraction?
 
Hi all, so I am curious about something. How do people in a poly situation manage not to be distracted by the dynamics of one relationship when they are in the company of another? I mean, I had a long conversation with someone last night and I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it and more stuff I want to say to him, and tomorrow I am going out to meet another friend for brunch, and I have a feeling it will be hard not to keep thinking about this.

I know it's all about being present to what is and living in the moment -- believe me I have lived for 15 years always trying to practice that -- but aren't there times when one person in your poly relationships seems to dominate your thoughts and gets in the way of relating to the other(s) with whom you are also involved? For me, relationships can be so heady and all-consuming sometimes. How do poly people handle this?

vodkafan 12-04-2010 10:36 PM

I can only speak from a mono point of view- but I noticed early on that my wife has a sort of transition period when she comes home when she is a bit quiet. It sometimes lasts a couple of hours. The other guy says she is the same there when she first arrives and when she is getting ready to leave. It is as if she needs to get used to us again. It is not a problem as long as we don't expect too much interaction when she first arrives.
I know this doesn't answer your question fully but it is kind of related I think.

Fidelia 12-04-2010 10:45 PM

Breathe.

Be here now.

Love one another.

Pay loving attention to your partner's needs, and to your own. Love forward with love, respect, and integrity. Trust them to do the same. Somehow it all works out. How? I don't know; it's a mystery. ;)

Tonberry 12-04-2010 11:22 PM

I don't find it different from thinking about a loved one when you're out with a friend... It would only be hard if I had to hide it. Usually I talk about it, the reason why I'm thinking about the other person, what we did last time we talked, etc.
And then I enjoy my time with the person I'm with. I'm not sure how it would work with both of them being here, since the holidays will be the first time with all three of us being in the same place. I'll tell you how it went after the holidays are over, I guess!

Breathesgirl 12-05-2010 01:01 PM

I've actually had to think about this! lol

I talk about it. When I'm with Possibility I talk about Breathes & vice versa. It doesn't seem to annoy them although I haven't thought to ask.

There's nothing wrong with letting your partners know you are thinking about them when you're with the other, unless you're obsessively thinking about them then I would think some serious introspection would be in order so you could figure out why you were obsessing.

Somegeezer 12-05-2010 05:52 PM

Even in all my previous mono relationships, I often thought about others. It's natural. But it generally only happens when I'm not doinf much and my thoughts are left to wander. When I'm out doing something with someone I love, my mind is fixed on them. I don't know how or why, but that's just the way it works for me.

redpepper 12-05-2010 07:36 PM

I like what Fidelia said; pay attention to your partners needs and then your own with this one. Talking about it with them can help, but it isn't always appropriate, so make sure you have your timing right or that you should be talking with them about it at all.

There is a lot of sucking up in poly... at least until later... it's part of good boundaries I think

idealist 03-23-2011 01:38 AM

If I have lover A on my mind while I'm with lover B. I talk to lover B about it. If I am able to share an process my thoughts, I feel resolved and more able to be in the moment!! Good luck with things!!

Ariakas 03-23-2011 03:49 AM

I have a really hard time with this, in fact it is something i am learning constantly... I don't have a "natural" switch to do this.

I agree with idealist. The easiest way for me to do this is to discuss the situation. Clears my head and helps me focus.

GroundedSpirit 03-23-2011 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 54996)
t -- but aren't there times when one person in your poly relationships seems to dominate your thoughts and gets in the way of relating to the other(s) with whom you are also involved? For me, relationships can be so heady and all-consuming sometimes. How do poly people handle this?

Hey there NYC :)

I guess this is something pretty general - not specific to poly.
When there's something going on in our lives that requires/needs a lot of our mental resources, it's hard to give proper attention to anything else.

The trick for me at least is acknowledging this and calling time out. Then looking at whatever the resource hog is and asking if it REALLY deserves the level of priority I'm allowing it.

The answer to this may vary, because sometimes the need is there and sometimes it isn't. If it is, I don't mind sharing it with someone because at least that acknowledges that in the moment - they ARE an important consideration and that I'm trying to balance best I can.
If I discover that the conflictor is hogging more of my resources than is necessary or fair, via practice I've gotten much better at putting the silencer on it for the moment.
But that's just a skill that comes with practice.

GS


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