One year as a quad!
This is my first time posting anywhere, since we're not actually out...but as many of you will probably know, it's hard when you're really happy with a new relationship and can't shout it from the rooftops :-)
My wife in I entered (or maybe stumbled) into a polyamorous quad with another couple about a year ago (we're actually talking about celebrating our one-year anniversary soon). The other woman is an old ex-girlfriend of mine from years and years ago who I had seen a bit over the past couple years (illicitly, I'm ashamed to say). My wife met them before the truth came out about me and my gf, and against all odds she and the other man really hit it off...they became fast friends immediately and fell in love. When the truth came out, we had a few choices: cut off contact in the usual way and deal with these feelings forever; or try to make it together as a group. We chose the latter.
It hasn't been easy...early on, envy and jealousy were really difficult to get through. We had a lot of group talking and slowly worked our way up a physical intimacy scale -- I credit my gf for taking charge of the situation...she's amazing -- and really trying to make it work. Every time things seemed like they'd fall apart, we all realized how sad we'd be if we lost this opportunity. At one point, my gf claimed there wasn't really anything between she and I, and I almost jumped ship. She freaked out and realized how desperately she wanted to be with me. Another time, we went a bit too far in physical intimacy, and three out of four had issues for a few weeks...but we took some steps back and eased back into it.
We all have kids...and that has been interesting as well. We all really love and care for each others' kids, and we hope we're doing right by them. Only one of our children, a near-teenager, knows what's going on after catching one of the "opposite couples" kissing. We talked through it, let him know we all just really love each other, and he's been fine with things.
I post here now because it seems like the quad relationships are rare, but becoming more common over time. What seemed like a pipe dream to all of us a year ago now seems like the only future we'll all be happy with. We talk about possible cohabitation at some point, talk about coming out to family and friends (some family and friends know, but most don't...the ones that do accept us so far), and planning our future together. Our love just seems to get deeper over time, and the possibility of things falling apart seems to fade. I hope that's not an illusion.
We're very happy together, and we love each other very much. I get a little giddy just thinking about it. I'm happy to answer questions about our relationship if they might help others in similar situations, and I will probably be posting questions of my own in the future.
Long live polyamory :-)
Isn't life interesting?!! Good for you! It sounds like all four of you have been willing to do the work relationships require, admit to mistakes, and pick each other up when someone stumbles.
I do have a question. You mentioned physical intimacy had to be toned down and then worked up to again slowly. Has it reached equilibrium? Are you all free to be sexual with whichever partner you wish, and as freely as desired, without insecurities or incriminations surfacing? Or are there certain things still not allowed, or specific rules in place about sharing yourselves sexually with each other?
I've always been curious about quads. There are a few other members here who have been involved successfully in quads over time. There are some threads with their stories here, if you do a search. Thanks for sharing yours with us.
And since I know there's newer polys that will read this, I want to make it clear that while there's definitely a sexual side to our quad, we love just as much the times we sit together on the couch, snuggling and watching movies. We often cohabitate for several days in a row, like over weekends or school holidays. The girls run errands, proudly calling themselves "sister wives" The guys ("brother husbands") play video games and get lunches together. When one of us travels, we say goodbye to everyone and try to see everyone as soon as possible when we return. We take road trips together, we arrange opposite date nights on a rotating basis, and we long for the next opportunity to bring our "family" together.
We're all friends, and we all love being together.
I hope posting this and talking about it will help other quads or couples considering a quad realize that it can work. It makes me sad whenever I hear about a marriage destroyed by "cheating", because beating down the cheater or breaking up the marriage don't solve anything. You have to understand the root of the problem: people can love more than one person. We've decided to run with our love for each other and we're better for it.
Welcome to our forum.
I find that in each poly configuration, each person added means more challenges and more rewards. So you deserve kudos for hanging in there through the complex difficulties, long enough so that you can enjoy the rewards now. Most often I find a V or triad (poly units of three people) is the most a poly family can typically handle. My poly unit is a case in point, we are an MFM V. And we had some rough years in the beginning too. Luckily things are a lot smoother now.
I'm glad you're onboard with us, and I'm sure you'll be able to give and receive much via reading and posting, and with your experience gained and any extra help you may need getting through new snags.
Have a look around on our various threads and boards; see what calls to you. It is great that you could join us!
Thanks Kevin! It's great to have somewhere to talk (mostly) freely about our lives together.
I'm so happy for you and it really is nice to read something positive. It makes me smile to read that you are all so happy, and I dont know any of you..lol
Yes Quads do seem rare indeed. I find myself searching very hard on this forum for others in the same situation as my own.
I am part of a closed Quad. Our group is somewhat unique I think. Both couples are originally monogamous with no one having any experience in polyamory, open relationships, etc... We both have families and keep this a complete secret. Both couples have been best of friends for years before anything happened. Oh ya, we also are neighbours. The guys are straight, the girls... straight-ish :-)
We are about a year into it now. LOTS of ups and downs. The ups are amazing and the downs are sometimes horrible. The closeness and love we feel for each other has helped us through the tough times. Jealously, possession, insecurity... bla, bla... the forums here are packed full of the same problems for good reason. This type of relationship requires a ton of work, patience and above all communication, even when its the last thing you wish to do.
One really important issue that we continue to work on is the speed of which each member wants to go forward. We found the hard way that its best to move as fast as the slowest person(s). That way everyone stays happy with far less problems. It can be tough to hold back but for us it is the only way it works.
Another communication trick that works well is the 4-way group text. No more he said - she said. Thoughts and feelings are always out in the open and always clear to everyone. Also, no one speaks for anyone else, and everyone has a responsibility to speak up or shut up. Sounds harsh but its sucks to have to worry about what other people may be thinking... it makes you nuts and it simply creates problems ;-)
Our Quad is on an upswing atm... we have had lots of "fun" together lately and there is talk of moving forward allowing secondary relationships to build on their own. Like you we are all very happy but always cautious at the same time. My marriage has never been better, communication and intimacy is greatly enhanced. I thought my marriage was awesome before but now... incredible!
The togetherness, love and support everyone gets in a relationship like this is hard to explain. The funny thing is that some members of our group refuse to label us. There is a fear using the terms like Polyamory, BF, GF, etc... so far its not used (accept for me :-)) Yes, I get in trouble for that.
Our greatest fear is making a mistake... getting caught and eventually having to come out. It's probably always seems worse in theory vs practice but holy cow I can't imagine how difficult that would be to explain. Its sad really but its also no one business either.
Glad you are having fun... we are too!
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